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Adult children.

(32 Posts)
Jezra Fri 28-Jan-22 20:11:17

I love my DS and think he has a great partner. She is lovely. I don’t interfere in his life with his partner, only give advice if it is asked for and always support them in their choices in life whether I agree with them or not. They are adults and it is up to them how they live their lives of course. However, I always contact him, he never takes the initiative to contact me. If I leave it he won’t message me or ask to see me.
Are any others in the same position? I don’t want to live in his pocket but it would be nice if he contacted me once in a while.
It makes me sad.

Kate1949 Fri 28-Jan-22 20:13:57

Same here Jezra. although in our case it's our daughter. It's very sad and upsetting. I think many people are in the same position. I don't know what the answer is really.

FarNorth Fri 28-Jan-22 20:16:52

Have you tried mentioning casually 'How about you calling me next time'?

VioletSky Fri 28-Jan-22 20:25:01

I don't think this is deliberate, I mentioned it to my eldest once and he said that he misses home and he does think of us all but he never does it at times when we are awake to talk too... Then he thinks he will message tomorrow and gets carried away in a new day... And repeat.

Try not to take it personally, you sound like you have a good relationship

Jezra Fri 28-Jan-22 20:25:29

Yes FarNorth I have and he just says he leaves it up to me because it’s always me who gets in touch first. 😥

Jezra Fri 28-Jan-22 20:27:43

Thanks VioletSky, I never thought of it that way. I should be grateful really because we do have a good relationship and that should be all that matters shouldn’t it?

crazyH Fri 28-Jan-22 20:30:59

Jezra - that could be my post. I have 1 daughter and 2 sons. My daughter will probably ring me two or three times a week and it's usually a maximum 2 minute conversation regarding some plan she has or its regarding my 2 teenage GC. As for my 2 sons, they rarely ring. Their wives ring/ text me to tell me what's going on with their toddlers and send me photos. And yes, it makes me sad as well. My best friend's sons ring her regularly, even though they are married with children. I suppose it's just the family dynamics. I am divorced, so they probably feel obliged to contact their Dad as well and then it becomes too much for them. I just put it down to their busy lives. I keep busy with my life and my friends. I have learnt not to fret about it. I see my daughter and youngest son at least once a fortnight. And btw, we all live within a 5 mile radius of one another. TBH, I'm not a great 'phone ' person. I prefer to have a face to face chat, with a nice cup of tea 😂 (Jezra, do you have just one son?)

love0c Fri 28-Jan-22 20:31:22

Jezra I would not worry about this. It sounds like you have a good relationship with them both. Our adult children are both so different. One rings almost daily and always with his problems! smile The other one never tells of problems unless forced to. This one only rings or txt if they need something. However, once grandchildren are on the scene it could well change!! He may never be off the phone. Go with the flow. You will benefit in the future, I am sure of it.

kittylester Fri 28-Jan-22 20:35:19

I feel the same about the children living their own lives but we have a group whatsapp that keeps us in touch in an informal way. Could you do that?

grannyrebel7 Fri 28-Jan-22 20:35:28

That's sons for you, mine is exactly the same. We have a great relationship, but it's always me who has to call him. My daughter on the other hand calls me regularly probably about three times a week sometimes. I wouldn't worry about it Jezra.

VioletSky Fri 28-Jan-22 20:38:18

Jezra I was still thinking about this while I ran a bath, we come at this from a different direction to them..

They have had a couple of decades of watching us be strong, finding a way to overcome all life's issues, always finding time or making time

We have had a couple of decades of them being dependant on us, worrying about all the challenges they face in life, helping them achieve milestones, trying to hide our stresses and struggles to protect them

We are always mum, this is always home and we are always going to check on them and worry about whether they have clean pants on

It's just a normal dynamic sometimes and I expect it will change as they mature or we start to need them

Jezra Fri 28-Jan-22 21:00:26

Thanks for all your kind replies. Yes, I guess that’s sons for you and it doesn’t mean they don’t care. Because I only have one son, I have made a point of not making him a mummies boy. He is kind and caring and leads a very busy life, is young and has many interests and hobbies on top of work and family life.
He never seems to mind me getting in touch and does get in touch if he needs something or is unhappy about things so I guess I’m just turning into an old Biddy and need to lighten up and fill up my life with more things.

FarNorth Fri 28-Jan-22 21:36:37

A WhatsApp conversation, as already suggested, is a good idea as it didn't need both / all the people to be available at the same time.

Sara1954 Fri 28-Jan-22 21:38:55

I see my son every day at work, we get along fine, never really had any problems or falling out with him ever.
But I’m positive that if we didn’t see each other every day, he would never contact us, it would always be the other way around.
I don’t mind, it’s how he is.

Kim19 Fri 28-Jan-22 21:44:49

After I had called at a couple of 'inconvenient' times I turned the initiative on to my son by saying he was the busier one therefore it made more sense for him to call me. Worked so far....... fingers crossed.......

MercuryQueen Fri 28-Jan-22 21:49:48

With my AC, my keeping odd hours is an unexpected blessing. By the time she’s home from work, takes care of whatever house chores and dinner, plus unwinds, she’s often calling between 11 pm and 2am! Definitely not something that would work for the typical schedule grin.

Do you text at all? Being able to drop a quick message for whenever they have a moment works to keep communication going too.

marymary62 Fri 28-Jan-22 21:53:46

I don’t think it’s anything to worry about , sounds like he is loving and caring. Telephone conversations are a bit ‘old hat ‘ and I expect he finds it hard to think about just calling you for ‘no reason’ . I remember my mum used to call me on the dot of 10.30 every Sunday after I left home and I found it intensely irritating ! She also wrote long rambling letters and sent paper cuttings ...... I barely ever rang her or wrote - I was so busy with work, home and then kids . I loved her dearly though and when I was older and she was in her 80’s and 90’s and alone I travelled 3 hours twice a week to see her, bathe her and check the carers were doing what they should. I wanted her to live nearer but she refused - which hurt me at the time ! A phone call is not an indication of anything really - I have two beloved daughters who in their twenties and early thirties rarely called - and then only because they wanted things or needed to tell me something . Mostly we send WhatsApp messages when we have something to say ...... or find a common love of something to talk about. I’m sure your son will be loving and supportive all your life and when you need him he will be there for you. Don’t feel sad that he doesn’t ring you x

Florencelady Fri 28-Jan-22 23:57:03

I have 2 ds and l notice they never call anyone it's all whatsapp etc so it's like phone calls hardly feature in their lives. They do call but its mostly me calling them but l like that as l have picked a time that l am relaxed and ready to chat. I also post random comments to them on WhatsApp which keep the lines of communication open. We have a lot of the same interests in films, sports, politics so comments go over and back depending on what's happening.
They can also message me during work where a phone obviously wouldn't be on. My dd calls me often for longer chats but l feel equally close to each one . When one of my ds was travelling l did have words with him about keeping in touch and he has been brilliant since.
I wouldn't become too focused on who is initiating calls just enjoy chatting when it happens.

mumofmadboys Sat 29-Jan-22 07:22:13

I have five sons and I initiate the vast majority of calls. Sometimes our youngest son calls us but the others rarely do unless they want something! However they are happy to chat when I call. I think it is just a male thing!

Sara1954 Sat 29-Jan-22 08:59:22

When my oldest daughter left home, I would ring her one evening a week for a long chat. Over the years I became reluctant to ring, as busy family life took over, and I didn’t want to become an inconvenience.

Sometimes one of us will ring for a nice long chat, but it’s all mainly text or WhatsApp

travelsafar Sat 29-Jan-22 09:13:55

Same here, apart from my daughter who rings me when she is free and we can be on the phone for over an hour catching up. One way of looking at is that once we would write to each other, then when having a phone became more affordable we transferred to doing that , now it is quicker and easy sometimes to use Whatsapp or texts. Its all part of the progress of life. I try not to worry if i don't hear from my sons 'cos i know i would if there was a problem.

Humbertbear Sat 29-Jan-22 09:29:33

DS calls us from the car on his way home from school on Tuesdays. However, we have had Covid recently so he has been calling everyday. I don’t expect it will last. I think he assumes that having three DC and a dog excuses his behaviour and he relies on his DS. However, he phones his grand mother every day. So I have to forgive him.

Smileless2012 Sat 29-Jan-22 11:00:31

So many mums feel as you do Jezra and I always think it's the quality of the contact you have that matters rather than the quantity.

Before moving to Aus. 8 years ago, our DS lived a 10 minute drive away for 3 years. We didn't see very much of him and there was just the occasional 'phone call. Now we face time usually once a week so have more regular contact with him now than we ever used too!!

HettyBetty Sat 29-Jan-22 12:02:24

We have a WhatsApp group which is used regularly. Mostly just lighthearted chat and photos. Mine aren't the sort for lots of phone calls, only if it's for something specific.

Fleur20 Sat 29-Jan-22 12:18:31

The good thing about whatsapp is that everyone can answer when they have time... a comment or question can just sit there until you have a moment to reply... no interruption... and sometimes can be handy if you need a think about the response you want to make.