Worried for grandkids!

the best is the enemy of the good.

From what you say, it sounds like your daughter and son in law are doing brilliantly. Probably not much money if she has to work at the weekend, but still happy, and in a great relationship.

Please leave well alone. Enjoy your grandchildren when you see them, and don’t worry about them when you don’t.

HowVery,
why do you say or even cottage pie.
what does the word even there reference.
i agree with your advice, and that of others,
it's just if i can't quite understand something, it runs around in my head.

Treat them like ‘your’ children when they are staying with you.

The rest of the time remember they aren’t yours.

Your daughter's style of bringing up her children is different to yours. My son's ex is raising the children in a similar way. When they come here, I cook something nutritious, like a roast dinner, chicken salad, or even cottage pie with extra vegetables. We also go out for meals, and have something decent then. Could you do something like that?

There isn't anything you can do - be there for them. It's amazing how things can turn out for the best.

If any gran had to hold her tongue it was me with my son and his children . Marriage split when the kids were little, moving from one parent to the other , changing schools many times, both parents lax and indulgent , new partners coming in and out of the kids lives . I thought it would all come to a disastrous ending . Now, the children are 17 and 13, doing really well at school, healthy, happy and perfectly normal. Good thing I kept my mouth zipped shut !

Please stop a moment and consider what your reaction was when your mother or mother-in-law criticised the way you brought up your daughter.

I fully understand why you feel that children should not be shouted at when they are naughty, but you have voiced your concerns and been asked to mind your own business.

So do so, unless you want to end up excluded from your grandchildren's lives.

Reading your post, I would be more concerned about the state of your daughter's marriage than the way she and her husband are bringing up their children, Shouting at children often points to irritation with their father that their mother is misdirecting as she has given up getting her husband to see her point of view about something.

Thanks so much!

Thanks so much. Really helpful and very appreciated

Thanks a million! ?

Thanks Iam64. Your comments were really helpful and very appreciated

Thanks Cold. Comments really helpful and very appreciated

Thanks for taking the time to respond to my post. Really helpful and appreciated

Many thanks Doodledog. Much appreciated. Cathyg

Hi,
I just wanted to get some help and impartial advice. I got that in spades and am grateful for all of it. I’ve found it really helpful. It’s probably just confirmed what my gut was telling me ie “to but out” but it was helpful to hear it so clearly from others ?. Thanks for your thought. Cathyg

Your daughter has clearly stated her boundaries

May I ask why you are coming to a board full of strangers and ask what to do?
This is between you and your daughter and our wishes or opinions will not change anything

I wouldn’t say anything CathyG. My DD sounds a bit like yours in that she doesn’t react well to advice or suggestions and views it as interference and judgement. I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut unless I’m asked as I don’t want to interfere with the way my DD brings up her 4 year old twin girls. I remember that sometimes my own mother would comment on my parenting skills (which I think were fairly good, but I may have been a bit soft!) and I didn’t like it - I resented it, in fact. If your GC are safe, happy and healthy, say nothing. Enjoy the GC whilst you look after them.

Gosh I feel sorry for your daughter - she gets little family time to enjoy with her husband and kids because he works weekdays and she works weekends. She must be exhausted and stressed with her life on the hamster wheel.

I would advise you not to wade into this dynamic and criticize her parenting further as you already know how it will end.

In truth there’s nothing to be done, just be there.

The general rule of thumb is that you say nothing, unless there is abuse occurring. In that case you should really go to Social Services.

You have had your turn at being a parent which is not the way your daughter wants to do it.

Enjoy them whilst you have them, stick to any given instructions and never criticise or you could find you see them less than you would like.

My own children had sweeties on Friday only, we were quite strict on reflection about biscuits/crisps, no I’d say, have a piece of fruit. They’re more relaxed on the snack front, I sometimes feel my grandchildren graze all day. But, they sit at the table, don’t get down without asking and are, of course, wonderful.

I’m fortunate that their mummies accept I’m indulgent about snacks and biscuits. Occasionally one will say, no crocs seeets or biscuits today because they had them yesterday. I’m happy to comply. Like MawtheMerrier, I enjoy indulging my grandchildren. I offer two choices for lunch or tea and don’t insist they eat their vegetables

Our daughter never considered it any of our business how she brought her child up. She occasionally asked for advice which we gladly gave but apart from that we kept out of it. She did an amazing job.

Sounds like a normal, busy family to me. I worked and was exhausted getting home to two noisy fussy boys, and would feed them pizza/chicken nuggets on occasions where I was too tired to fight them eating food they would take against.
I also was guilty at shouting and bargaining.
My son has the luxury of being a part time stay at home dad as dill makes good money, and he even made home made organic baby food, but when gc starts nursery and son starts working full time freelancing again, I imagine there will be a quick descent into chaos, it can’t be helped when both parents work full time and children have so many outside activities.

"she just sees it all as criticism and judgement"

I'm sorry but it is

This is a hard working family that love their children as you said yourself.

Let them parent their way, you grandparent your way (within their rules) and leave it there or you may put a strain on your relationship that breaks it