Feel a bit sad and unwanted

It is so hard when you are no longer needed for certain things; a small son saying 'I can bath myself', a daughter insisting she wanted to do her own hair, the last time a DC wanted to go in the pushchair, GC not needing the school run - but then, how else would we have it? If DGC needed you to take him to school past this age, then there would be something wrong, and no doubt we have all seen the elderly parents with a dependent 'child' of about thirty. We want them to grow and be independent - but we don't. This is the sadness of parenthood, that the dear child you adore disappears, and we must learn to let go and love the adult, enjoying them when we can. Take heart skydancer - you are far from alone.

Hopefully these comments will have helped Skydancer maybe she will let us know.

Please don't feel like you've wasted your time; the fact that he can cope means that he has learned how to be independent so that is testament to your DD and the wider family's successful caring. Prepare for a period where adults aren't the centre of the teenager's universe so you become less important but look forward to the day when they start to appreciate you again. It happens, honestly. Just offer to be there if he needs you even if it is for some food and be charitable about it whilst making plans to fill your time with other interests.

This is a difficult transition when they reach the age we need to let them go a bit.

I've solved it by doing activities together. Take him out for lunch or invite him to watch a movie, find a different way to spend time together.

Like I play online games with my children and we chat and play together even when they are miles away.

There is always a way to stay evolved, spend time and be loved and wanted

You are not alone

Your feelings are totally understandable.You’ve not wasted your time though,you and he will always have those memories.
I recall feeling bereft when my dad went to uni,and a dear friend pulled me up short.She said she’d give anything to be in my shoes,her child was disabled and would never leave home or become independent. Growing up and becoming independent is a blessing to given to everyone.
Take him out for lunch a couple of times, let him choose where (within reason) He’ll love it.

Thank you all so much. You all seem of the same mind in that I need to let go. It’s so hard as I enjoy his company so much. My DD doesn’t really understand how I feel as she obviously sees him every day. They live near me so I just want to pop in when I know he’s there. I was devastated when my 2 children left home and I’m starting to feel that loss again. I know I need to find interests but I invested so much in his upbringing that I now feel redundant. I’m a bit low at the moment anyway so hope to feel better soon. Thank you all. I know what I need to do and your wise advice is welcome. Also knowing I’m not alone really helps.

I looked after my grandaughter a lot and we were very close. She's now 18 and only rings me when she wants money! I see her every 3 weeks and she still asks for money (I give her £20 a week spending money). It's very sad ?

I can remember my dad telling my daughter when she was about 15 that she wasn't to worry about her not coming to see him or her granny so much as he understood she was growing up and wanted to be with her friends...I actually cried as I knew how much her grandparents loved her.....Now I'm in the same position and can understand how my dad felt...Got to let them go but they always come back...

Why on earth would you consider the last 15 years wasted? When he was younger he needed help, supervision and guidance. Now he's a young man who doesn't need the same level of care. Isn't that what everyone hopes for their children and grandchildren?

OP

Your last update is all oriented towards you, what you would like to do and how it makes you feel

How about your gs? Your daughter?

You will be ok, this is a phase you will get over, as you did before

I can only explain how I myself feel.

He is reaching adulthood, come at him from a position of enjoying his time and interests rather than wanting to protect him and look after him... Respectbhis choices and decisions now, as long as they aren't harming him or others..

You haven't lost the relationships, it's just evolved

Skydancer, my grandson lived here until he was ten (so like a fifth child to me, really) then moved in with his mum. He was always here in the holidays - and many weekends too - until recently. He's 16 now and spends most of his free time with his girlfriend. It's inevitable and natural, he's just grown up!

I don't feel useless or neglected, though. There are plenty of things to do, many ways to spend my time.

Glad to read you found the support here helpful.

You have a special bond that can never be broken it’s just different,he needs to be treated like an adult show you trust him———most kids like runners suggest you take him shopping for new runners and lunch where he chooses to go and just enjoy this time before he gets a girl friend or goes to University.Kids need their own space,have adult conversations with him,good luck.

I do sympathise, I’m in a very similar position with my now 13 year old DGS. We’ve more or less shared” the parenting with our DD since she was divorced when he was tiny and had to return to her career. He still has his own room here but the time he spends with us is much reduced now. We have so many happy memories of the times we spent with him and are still very close now. The thing is, nothing stays the same, it’s a privilege to see him becoming a sensible, independent young man. Keep in touch with him, show an interest in his life and I’m sure that the bond you made with him when he was little is as strong now as ever. ?

The last of my five grandchildren is now 16 and I haven't been needed for after-school care for a couple of years. Like you, I missed it like fury! But I suppose that as I have been through it before I was able to see it as the natural progression it is. Now, though, when my DD is away for the occasional weekend I am back as taxi driver! Still needed, just in a different way. The point is, we grandparents are always needed in one way or another - even if it is just in the knowledge and acceptance that we are just 'there'. It's such a privilege to have been able to be part of their growing up, isn't it? My 18yo DGD, who is training to be a dancer, has asked me to go with her when she is performing in a place where we lived for a few years when my DD was small. "Then you can show me the places you remember and we can have special granddaughter and Nanny time". Something like this will come to you as well, believe me. In the meantime I feel sure you will find ways to fill what you see as the empty hours and will come to enjoy your 'you' time as well. Lots of love.

Skydancer where does the 'wasted years' come from? Just because your GS doesn't need your supervision or company anymore doesn't mean that all the joy you've had previously is wiped out. And if you really will feel lonely, speak with your grandson and tell him you'll miss him and would like him to come round for tea one day.

Be grateful for the influence you have in your GS life, which is something he may not appreciate now, because he is 15, but he will look back on his relationship with you with love and admiration. Our relationships change but the love and care are always there. You are an important part of his life.

Awwww Skydancer. I so feel for you. I’ve “ got the tee shirt” as they say. Its a difficult path to navigate but he will be back. For lifts, for advice, for help of various sorts. My eldest granddaughter is almost 21 and she pops in for Sunday lunch sometimes, needs lifts to parties, to work if her car is in dock. All sorts. Yes its different, and I often miss the daily “ being needed” but it will get better. I’m not going to say find a new hobby, new interest etc. We know what to do but sometimes need to lick our wounds a little before we carry on. X

I take my teenage Grandsons out for breakfast or a pizza
Never fails to please
And we get to chat 121 for an hour or more.

You have helped provide him the tools to be independent and yes its hard when they want to go it alone. Tell him what a joy it's been looking after him and remind him that you are around if he needs you. I suspect he may just want to explore his freedom and not totally go it alone.Pop round on occasions for a quick cuppa I'm sure he wouldnt mind at all xx

Having worried about one’s own children we then go on to our grandchildren! Just let him know you are there for him at any time and he will be chuffed at what a cool granny he has.!

Skydancer I feel your sadness but it is a natural process. My GS will be 18 in June and hasn't needed my help for some time although when he was upset a few weeks ago it was me he cuddled up to. He is off to university in September and its my daughter who will need me to support her through that transition. His career if it takes off will take him all over the world possibly and I am glad to know I helped him on his way but I wont see him very much. I am sure the love and support you have given your grandchildren will be appreciated as they make their way in life.