Sex life over

Esspee

If your medical problem is vaginal atrophy then that can be treated as can low libido. Have you seen your doctor?

Please do share with us what these treatments are

The only suggestion my GP could make for reversing vaginal atrophy was to use vaginal dilators. That's no more appealing than actual sex to someone who, as well as suffering vaginal atrophy, has had their sex drive plummet post-menopause to pre-puberty levels!

And for libido?

Before the menopause, I naively thought that women in this predicament could surely just lay back and think of England. Oh, how wrong I was.

We regularly have threads on these pages from women whose husbands can’t or won’t bother to have sex, they say it makes them feel unattractive and unwanted. Women have needs as well as men, if one partner looses the sex drive the other has to decide how to handle it.

In my case at 50 I just assumed my sex life was over, problem was that the “closeness” deteriorated, the kids had left home and he didn’t want do the things I wanted to do. In the end we were living separate lives, after 10 yrs I threw the towel in and left, after a few months I met my new partner sex is great and we are very close

As we get older we hope that companionship is enough to keep a marriage together but very frequently it isn’t.

What about a woman whose husband no longer can or wishes to make love? Why the assumption that it is the man who is willing and the woman who is not?

I can’t believe the view of men and mens’ needs some have on here and I am glad I’m not married to one of those uncontrollable types. Good grief! Men are not animals needing a receptacle for their ‘needs’ ,certainly not in later years. If I had a man like that I would show him the door, quick smart. Whatever happened to love and respect ?

Having a medical condition that prevents sex isn't rejecting the partner.

I know many women who have a zest for life which includes an enjoyment of lovemaking.
I also know that many would prefer a nice cup of tea from what I read on Gransnet.
What is sad is when a couple have different needs. It must be hell for the one who is rejected.

I understand exactly how you feel as I am the same. I am not remotely interested in sex and haven't been for a very long time. I feel that at 73 and after 47 years of marriage, companionship should be sufficient. He tells me some women would be happy that their partner still desired them. I am sure there are, but I am not one. I can't believe that there are many couples who still both want this, unless they are new into the relationship. I find myself resenting his approaches. He is a lovely person and I care for him which is why I put up with it but I so want to call it a day. He buys me lingerie that he wants me to wear in bed. I swear he thinks I am still 25. He gets very hurt when I refuse his advances and thinks I don't love him. I can see how the divorce rate is higher amongst over 60's than other age groups. I don't think counselling is the answer as this implies there is something wrong in feeling as I do, and I don't believe there is.

I wish you well with your discussions JulesSquirrel both with your husband and appropriate counselling.

A clear and considered decision concerning relation issues in a marriage would be best made by both of them, not one presenting it as a fait accompli.

eazybee huge assumptions you are making there.

JulesSquirrel has made it clear from the beginning that she has made a clear and considered decision and she is clear that she wants to make things better for both her and her husband in terms of communication.
Far too many people jumping on with what they personally might want in her situation

I am surprised that apparently the husband does not know of the outcome of his wife's consultations with the GP and three consultants concerning her medical issues, and needs to be made aware of :
' the exact situation if things were clear and agreed, boundaries understood.'
Doesn't sound like a very communicative relationship, and it seems to centre very much on what the OP wants, who is accepting of and comfortable with her decision. Poor man.

Esspee

*JulesSquirrel*. May I ask what age you are as that is very relevant?

Not necessarily relevant. She’s already given very valid reasons for her decision. Chances are HRT ( which I’m sure you’re going to mention at some point!), won’t help. Someone medically qualified would have mentioned it, I would think.

I’ve nursed people whose sex life was over in their thirties, due to disability, health concerns.

The question isn’t ‘ how can she achieve sex?’. On the contrary....she wants/ needs to opt out.

Jules. You’ve given us enough to understand where you’re coming from. This is a husband you love, and know intimately. Talk to him. Far better he knows everything, rather than fill the gaps in for himself.

Take care

A colleague of mine went to couples counselling with 'relate', due to their lack of sex, and she was told (in so many words) to do exactly what everyone thinks is outdated.

That is, to "lie back and think of England".

JulesSquirrel. May I ask what age you are as that is very relevant?

I think age is a factor to some extent at least. Affection and demonstrations of this are really important. Caring about each other is paramount.

Sex is part of marriage for the vast majority of couples and your DH probably assumes that that applies to your marriage too especially as it has been happening until recently. It’s a difficult area to explore because you’re “ changing the goalposts”.

I medical opinion has led you to the conclusion that sex is not possible, then that would be the start of your conversation with your OH.

It seems to already be off the table, so I am not clear why you feel you need to state the situation. If he is showing no wish to engage in sex, and you cannot then the status quo would seem to be at the very least satisfactory on both sides.

Hi everyone. Thank you so much for the replies. I feel I need to say that my husband is not the type of man that would seek sex elsewhere. I am not worried that this may happen, nor do I think my marriage is at risk. I won’t be having sex again ever - yes, seen gp and three consultants, not going into detail here but a number of reasons for me to have come to this conclusion and I am accepting of and comfortable with my decision. We already have separate bedrooms due to a medical condition (his). My overriding concern is to not let this ‘wander on’, I would feel better and he’d know the exact situation if things were clear and agreed, boundaries understood. I just need to achieve that in the best possible way for both of us. Thank you all.

A loving life long relationship will be a safe place not to feel pressured into having unwanted sex
Here we are in 2022 with some expressing the view that men have to have sex with their wife or they may leave or seek it elsewhere
Really? Not a very loving or supportive relationship Is it

Caleo

For goodness sake, Esspee! Dryness is not "vaginal atrophy" .

Problems with dryness can be helped by 1. A good emollient made for sexual intercourse. 2. Imaginatively persuading the man to come quickly.

Tell me Caleo when did I say dryness was vaginal atrophy?

That’s right, I didn’t.

I really hate when posters make up absolute rubbish.

Shelmiss

Esspee

If your medical problem is vaginal atrophy then that can be treated as can low libido. Have you seen your doctor?

That’s a huge leap and an assumption isn’t it? It could be anything medical.

Yes indeed it could be anything Shelmiss but vaginal atrophy and loss of libido are the two most common sexual problems post menopause. Please note I said “If”.
The OP has been unwilling to tell us her physical problem so I suggested the most common with the positive message that both can be treated.

If sex has not been on the agenda for a long time, and your OH is not expressing any wish to change - or indeed pressing you - then maybe just let it ride. If it is not an issue, then maybe you do not really need to bring it up. If he brings it up then that is the time for the discussion. It sounds as though you love your OH - I am sure that you will find a way to express how you feel without it sounding like a rejection.

And please do not feel there is anything about you - libido waxes and wanes throughout life and relationships change.

But the whole "lie back and think of England" option does not sit comfortably with me. No woman should ever have to do that.

GrannyLaine

Good post DiscoDancer1975

?

Good post DiscoDancer1975

lots of medical, physical and emotional reasons on my part is the key here, yet you put that in brackets, as if it’s a side issue. This will be impacting majorly. When you’re young, sex can be a distraction...but as you age, I think most women would agree it stops being a distraction.

I really wouldn’t stress over it. You love your husband, and he you. You enjoy all the cuddles...and comfort?

In my opinion, this beats sex any day. Anyone who focuses on that primarily is missing out on a lot more somewhere else I would think.

We’re not teenagers anymore!