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Sex life over

(107 Posts)
JulesSquirrel Wed 13-Apr-22 20:22:28

Hello. I’m wondering how to explain to my husband without hurting his feelings that I no longer wish to have sex. Appreciate any wisdom from anyone who’s been through this. Thank you 🙏🏻

Oopsadaisy1 Wed 13-Apr-22 20:32:14

If you mean no hugs, cuddles and non penetrative sex, then I think you will definitely hurt his feelings.
Maybe have a rethink about what you actually want.

JulesSquirrel Wed 13-Apr-22 20:37:12

Thank you for responding. I love him and care deeply for him. Very happy for kisses, cuddles, affection. Just don’t want anything sexual. We’ve built a home, family and life together and I don’t want to leave, it’s just the sexual side of things (lots of medical, physical and emotional reasons on my part).

Oopsadaisy1 Wed 13-Apr-22 20:55:19

Hope it all works out ok.

JulesSquirrel Wed 13-Apr-22 20:57:42

Thank you, me too.

Elizabeth27 Wed 13-Apr-22 21:40:16

You just have to tell him how you feel. It will be an awkward conversation but will not last long, whereas if you do not talk to him you will probably continue to have sex when you dont want to.

You have to be prepared though to take his wants and needs into account, a physical relationship maybe more important to him than your marriage.

So difficult when partners want different things, hope it works out for you.

snowberryZ Wed 13-Apr-22 21:58:02

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

JulesSquirrel Wed 13-Apr-22 22:07:04

Thank you

Luckygirl3 Wed 13-Apr-22 22:23:30

snowberryZ

Probably not a popular opinion, but the way I look at it, we women often manage to find time to do things during the day that we 'don't want'
Cleaning the toilet, ironing, food shopping, to name a few. None of those things are pleasant.
So if you can find time to do those things, is it really so bad to find half an hour of your time once in a while to keep him happy?
For the sake of the marriage?

Good grief! - I would have hoped that having sex was in a different league from cleaning the toilet! It has to be mutually agreed and mutually pleasurable. Otherwise it is on the level of 2 dogs mating - we are humans for goodness sake.

No-one, male or female, should ever have sex when they do not wish to - there is a word for being forced to have sex against your will. There is more than one way to force someone to have sex against their will - it need not necessarily involve physical strength - it can involve emotional blackmail or sulking. Have a look on Mumsnet!

Clearly there is an incompatibility here that needs talking over; but in the final analysis, you should not agree to having sex with your OH if you do not wish to. Difficult for him if he feels differently, but he should not want to have sex with you against your wishes, or if he knows you are just going through the motions. That is far from normal.

The only way forward is by discussion to see if some sort of compromise can be found. I am sure he knows you are not enjoying it and do not want to do it, so he should not persist without engaging in a proper conversation with you about it to find out what YOU want.

I suffered for years with a man whose brain degenerative disease caused hypersexuality - I was under permanent siege - it was utter misery. There was no way of having a sensible discussion with him about it because the poor man was ill. You do have that option and that is the way to go.

I truly send you lots of good wishes and hope that you can have this discussion and reach a satisfactory arrangement that suits you both. Sexual incompatibility is very common indeed, so you are not alone. There will be a way forward.

denbylover Thu 14-Apr-22 01:46:49

JulesSquirrel

Thank you

In this day and age, I simply can’t believe what I’m reading, have we women made no progress at all regarding our own bodies?
JulesSquirrel. Hi, this is a very personal matter between you and your husband. Talk about your feelings, in a similar way in which you have written here asking advice. Perhaps non-penetrative sex might be an alternative? There are many other ways of which I’m sure you are aware, to bring mutual pleasure. Talking is key here, keeping communication lines open, be open and as caring as your enquiry leads me to believe you are.

denbylover Thu 14-Apr-22 01:48:38

Apologies Jules…my error, I quote was meant to include snowberryZ’s post.

eazybee Thu 14-Apr-22 06:47:47

I notice you write that you wonder how to explain to your husband that you no longer wish to have sex with him.
It would be more appropriate to initiate a discussion with him about your, and his, feelings about sex and see if together you can achieve a compromise before making your decision.
I think it very sad in what appears to be a functioning marriage, when one partner issues an ultimatum over what is/has been an important part of a relationship.

I have at least four friends whose husbands were told in their fifties sex was at an end, and what seemed to me doubly unkind, forced to leave the marital bed and bedroom and sleep in the spare room.
Extra marital sex ensued in at least two cases. Are you prepared for that?

JulesSquirrel Thu 14-Apr-22 06:50:42

Thank you both, I agree that nobody should be forced/coerced/encouragedetc into sex, my ‘thank you’ was in response to someone taking time to respond and I should have been clearer, my apologies.

I am thankful to everyone who has responded. It’s a really difficult situation that I’m trying to pick my way through. We haven’t had sex for a long time but that’s happened without real discussion, just flippant comments and do there’s an elephant in the room that needs to be addressed. I’d also like to stress my husband is kind and lovely but his personality causes me to worry he will assume it’s all his fault and i just don’t want that. Anyway, I’ll reflect on it a little more but I’m coming to the conclusion that a counsellor may help us through this conversation. Thank you so much to everyone for their replies, I very much appreciate you taking time out, it has been helpful.

Esspee Thu 14-Apr-22 06:56:41

To me sex is a wonderful part of marriage so I would be devastated to think it was over.
Are you sure you still love him?

Katie59 Thu 14-Apr-22 07:18:55

Faced with no sex most men that have a sex drive will look elsewhere, cuddles will make it worse because they get aroused and frustrated, so it’s separate bedrooms and live together as brother and sister.
As kindly as you can say you don’t want sex and suggest separate bedrooms and see how it goes but be prepared for a split, it may not happen but no harm in preparing.

snowberryZ Thu 14-Apr-22 08:13:43

I said my opinion wouldn't be popular.
I'm not putting sex on a level with cleaning toiletsgrin
I suppose what I'm trying to say in a bit of a clumsy way is , can't you fund time to do it once a month at least? Even if its mainly cuddles?
Are you happy for him to go elsewhere for sex?
Becauuse that's a very real possibility.

Iam64 Thu 14-Apr-22 08:19:40

A loving, life long relationship is likely to have involved some happy sex. If one partner no longer wants to have sex, it does need discussing but no One should be expected to put up and shut up.
I hope you find contentment together Jules

Galaxy Thu 14-Apr-22 08:20:06

If I was having sex with someone who I found out never wanted to have sex with me it would be devasting. It would make me feel terrible about myself. It is not a good idea to do this if you dont want to.

Shelmiss Thu 14-Apr-22 08:33:00

A lot of the comments seem to be taking the husband’s side rather than taking on board what Jules has actually said, in that there are “ lots of medical, physical and emotional reasons on my part” as to why she doesn’t want sex any more.

So there are obviously reasons for this and it’s not as clear cut as no more sex and that’s that.

Jules I think a counsellor, as you have suggested, would be a good idea.

Esspee Thu 14-Apr-22 08:41:13

There are not "sides" to this situation, as in one side is right and the other wrong. They need to discuss the situation and find a solution which may well be terminating the marriage. It works both ways. If the husband is impotent then the wife needs to decide how she can cope with that.

Katie59 Thu 14-Apr-22 08:43:03

It doesn’t really matter “why”, if he meets someone else it will quickly become an issue, there is no shortage of single women looking for company.

Caleo Thu 14-Apr-22 09:02:14

Tell him a white lie. You have a gynaecological problem with the vagina. This is true as you have to be able to want sex before your glands get ready for sex.

Caleo Thu 14-Apr-22 09:05:47

If you decide to act the part before you really want sex, do use lots of lubrication!

Esspee Thu 14-Apr-22 09:09:13

If your medical problem is vaginal atrophy then that can be treated as can low libido. Have you seen your doctor?

GrannyLaine Thu 14-Apr-22 09:11:48

Goodness what a low opinion some of you have of men! I think to suggest that the OPs situation is likely to result in her partner looking elsewhere is pretty threatening actually.
JulesSquirrel you sound as though you have the right idea in considering counselling about what seems to be a complex relationship and I do hope you find a positive way through this. Its perfectly possible to have a loving, happy marriage where sex is no longer on the agenda.