Sex life over

Surely one of the most important facets of any relationship has to be communication?
IMO, an honest and caring discussion is what's needed here. If you love someone, then surely it's only fair & reasonable to try to explain matters calmly and to find a positive way forward. (Which has to be better than saying/doing nothing, and hoping that your partner "gets the message.")
I'm trying to avoid being graphic, but it needs stating that there are lots of ways to give one another a pleasurable sexual experience, within a "cuddle" and without penetration. If there are medical issues, then I'd seek help /advice.

It sound like you need to speak to a specialist counsellor about this. If you have medical and emotional things to consider, you may be able to get specific help with whatever it is, rather than avoiding something else because of it.

I think you need to have a good long talk as many have said,but in a very gentle manner.
The chances are he will feel you don`t love him as you say and it could be the end of your marriage.
On the other hand he may feel the same,you didn`t mention how often he wanted sex to have put you off it,i don`t want an answer,i`m just putting it out there.
Could you think of pleasuring him without penetration,again just a thought,going by the things you said about how you feel about him.

If you haven’t had sex for a long time and there is no “elephant “ in the room , why do you need to discuss it ? He must have got the message by now

And BTW it is not helpful to brag about how great your own love life is!

Who is this comment directed at Caleo? I can't see where anyone is bragging

Jules's problem is a problem a lot of women have. She must find her own solution . If Jules decides that to lie back and think of England is the best way forward for her personally she has every right to feel it's the best way for her.

We can help by saying all the options she has so she can choose. This is a practical not a moral problem.

And BTW it is not helpful to brag about how great your own love life is!

And just to add to my previous comment upthread, I'm baffled that in the 21st century women should suggest to other women that they have a duty to effectively 'Lie back and think of England'

For goodness sake, Esspee! Dryness is not "vaginal atrophy" .

Problems with dryness can be helped by 1. A good emollient made for sexual intercourse. 2. Imaginatively persuading the man to come quickly.

Esspee

If your medical problem is vaginal atrophy then that can be treated as can low libido. Have you seen your doctor?

That’s a huge leap and an assumption isn’t it? It could be anything medical.

Goodness what a low opinion some of you have of men! I think to suggest that the OPs situation is likely to result in her partner looking elsewhere is pretty threatening actually.
JulesSquirrel you sound as though you have the right idea in considering counselling about what seems to be a complex relationship and I do hope you find a positive way through this. Its perfectly possible to have a loving, happy marriage where sex is no longer on the agenda.

If your medical problem is vaginal atrophy then that can be treated as can low libido. Have you seen your doctor?

If you decide to act the part before you really want sex, do use lots of lubrication!

Tell him a white lie. You have a gynaecological problem with the vagina. This is true as you have to be able to want sex before your glands get ready for sex.

It doesn’t really matter “why”, if he meets someone else it will quickly become an issue, there is no shortage of single women looking for company.

There are not "sides" to this situation, as in one side is right and the other wrong. They need to discuss the situation and find a solution which may well be terminating the marriage. It works both ways. If the husband is impotent then the wife needs to decide how she can cope with that.

A lot of the comments seem to be taking the husband’s side rather than taking on board what Jules has actually said, in that there are “ lots of medical, physical and emotional reasons on my part” as to why she doesn’t want sex any more.

So there are obviously reasons for this and it’s not as clear cut as no more sex and that’s that.

Jules I think a counsellor, as you have suggested, would be a good idea.

If I was having sex with someone who I found out never wanted to have sex with me it would be devasting. It would make me feel terrible about myself. It is not a good idea to do this if you dont want to.

A loving, life long relationship is likely to have involved some happy sex. If one partner no longer wants to have sex, it does need discussing but no One should be expected to put up and shut up.
I hope you find contentment together Jules

I said my opinion wouldn't be popular.
I'm not putting sex on a level with cleaning toilets
I suppose what I'm trying to say in a bit of a clumsy way is , can't you fund time to do it once a month at least? Even if its mainly cuddles?
Are you happy for him to go elsewhere for sex?
Becauuse that's a very real possibility.

Faced with no sex most men that have a sex drive will look elsewhere, cuddles will make it worse because they get aroused and frustrated, so it’s separate bedrooms and live together as brother and sister.
As kindly as you can say you don’t want sex and suggest separate bedrooms and see how it goes but be prepared for a split, it may not happen but no harm in preparing.

To me sex is a wonderful part of marriage so I would be devastated to think it was over.
Are you sure you still love him?

Thank you both, I agree that nobody should be forced/coerced/encouragedetc into sex, my ‘thank you’ was in response to someone taking time to respond and I should have been clearer, my apologies.

I am thankful to everyone who has responded. It’s a really difficult situation that I’m trying to pick my way through. We haven’t had sex for a long time but that’s happened without real discussion, just flippant comments and do there’s an elephant in the room that needs to be addressed. I’d also like to stress my husband is kind and lovely but his personality causes me to worry he will assume it’s all his fault and i just don’t want that. Anyway, I’ll reflect on it a little more but I’m coming to the conclusion that a counsellor may help us through this conversation. Thank you so much to everyone for their replies, I very much appreciate you taking time out, it has been helpful.

I notice you write that you wonder how to explain to your husband that you no longer wish to have sex with him.
It would be more appropriate to initiate a discussion with him about your, and his, feelings about sex and see if together you can achieve a compromise before making your decision.
I think it very sad in what appears to be a functioning marriage, when one partner issues an ultimatum over what is/has been an important part of a relationship.

I have at least four friends whose husbands were told in their fifties sex was at an end, and what seemed to me doubly unkind, forced to leave the marital bed and bedroom and sleep in the spare room.
Extra marital sex ensued in at least two cases. Are you prepared for that?

Apologies Jules…my error, I quote was meant to include snowberryZ’s post.

JulesSquirrel

Thank you

In this day and age, I simply can’t believe what I’m reading, have we women made no progress at all regarding our own bodies?
JulesSquirrel. Hi, this is a very personal matter between you and your husband. Talk about your feelings, in a similar way in which you have written here asking advice. Perhaps non-penetrative sex might be an alternative? There are many other ways of which I’m sure you are aware, to bring mutual pleasure. Talking is key here, keeping communication lines open, be open and as caring as your enquiry leads me to believe you are.