How to let go of my adult children

I am sure you will recover and get back on an even keel. Unlike so many others, you have recognised that you have a problem before it causes family rifts.

Families and relationships are all so varied aren’t they?

When my son and his wife were house hunting they often asked my husband for advice. My daughter took it a step further and insisted I accompany her when she was house-hunting so that I could be the ‘voice of experience and reason’ - although she eventually bought a house I hadn’t visited with her and if I had I would have explained why I thought it was too big! ?

The thing is you know there’s a problem and that you are too involved in your adult children’s lives, so well done you for acknowledging that and preparing to do something about it. ??

Personally I felt a huge responsibility lifted from my shoulders when my children flew the nest in their early 20s. I don’t interfere.

Now I think you were saying you find it hard to let go? Oh I completely understand. My children get regular texts from me. My daughter answers as quickly as she is able and I so appreciate that. Also my DIL would never leave me hanging for a response. I have now known her 16 years. My SIL I generally do not message but he would respond if I did. So the 2 youngest sons - 34 and 31. Well they are not so reliable. The thing is, I live alone and have a mental health issue. I am usually trying to break my sense of isolation when I reach out. I am an educated woman and I know I need to build my life up and I certainly try. I find though that at the age of 64 most of those I might reach out to are in a married, apparently settled situation! Generally they do not have much experience of my life with its issues. So yes, I think you need to try a little more to develop understanding of the issues your children may be experiencing as adults. Possibly it would help if you agreed with each one of them.who would initiate the next contact and after how many days.

I have found that because we have always been 'hands off' parents (of adult children) that they often include us in major aspects of their lives including house and car buying and DD who is single and lives alone, often rings just to talk things over to clear her own mind. They know we will give objective advice and then stand back and leave them to make their own decisions.

From the time when my first child was born, or possibly even from before that, I knew that my job as a parent was to enable my offspring to live as independent adults when the time came. I regarded it as my job to let go of them inch by inch whenever an opportunity arose for them to do something even a little bit independently from the beginning of their lives.

When they got to leaving home age (late teens/early twenties), like oldbat1, I felt a little surge of relief that I seemed to have done a reasonable job.

You know that you must overcome this obsession with so much involvement in your children's lives. Posters have warned of possible estrangement if you don't stop expecting daily communications and bombarding your daughter with house details and overthinking all the details of where she might live. I know it is difficult because we love and naturally worry about our children no matter how capable they are, but worrying and needing to be involved to this extent is very unhealthy for you and for your children.

You have already started a thread asking us to tell you that the arrival of your first grandchild will put an end to your anxiety and been told that it won't. You have also started a thread about therapy. I thought you said on the first one that you are already having talking therapy? Apologies if I have mixed you up with someone else. If you are seeking therapy on the NHS I think you will find there's a long wait but your need for help is urgent. You definitely need to see your GP but in the first instance he may offer you medication because that is immediately available. If you are offered it, take it.

You sound as though you are incredibly lonely and have nothing and no-one in your life other than your children. Is that the case? If it is, no amount of therapy or medication is, by itself, going to take away your obsessive interest in your children. You need to do your bit by getting some interests and meeting other people to talk to so that you are not constantly thinking and worrying about your children. You need to fill your mind with something else. Are you disabled and unable to get out of the house, or can you get out and join a club or two which interest you and maybe do a spot of volunteering, which you would find very worthwhile?

I often remind myself that my sons are now middle aged men.
They don't take kindly to me 'advising' them, so I just shut up these days. It's more a case of them advising me now that I'm getting a big feeble...
Seriously, it really is important to learn to take a step back, if we want to keep a good relationship with them.

At that age you shouldn't be offering advise unless they ask for it! Bite your tongue ?.

This2willpass

Thanks for all tesponses. Find it so hard when I don’t hear from them on a daily basis. They r 32 and 35.

You sound like my late Mum. I moaned about it at the time. It nearly drove me potty. I would give anything to hear her now.

I'm finding it hard not to be needed anymore, my children are 30 and 34, I see my daughter twice a week, my son rarely, he's always busy, I would love to have an input in their lives but it is not required by either, but I'm here if they need me x

There is not much I can tell my GSs that they don't know - until it comes to giving a teenage GS a good talking-to! Luckily, that DGS listens to Granny when, of course, his parents. 'know nothing'. My 'boys' (49 and 51) have loads of experience in life and finance that have passed me by and I'm very happy to avail myself of their expertise. Occasionally they bow to mine.

there is a good poem from the book 'the prophet' about letting children go, like the arrow from a bow.Why does a parent not let go? If we see our children going down a destructive route, then as a matter of care we want to intervene.If it is everyday life, then get out of their and our own way.It is a delicate area, we have all seen the effects of interfering families.I once stepped in to save my son's marriage as he was off the rails at the time, do i regret it, sometimes i do.....
would i do it again? no.

Despite my having no expectations of her, in terms of contact, when my daughter left to go to university she only contacted me when she needed me. Mental health issues were fairly constant and I supported her when asked as I got the impression she didn’t want me hovering…. Few years later after a late autism diagnosis, she blames me for everything that’s wrong in her life and has cut off all contact. An emotional evisceration for me as a lone parent with an only child.
I now don’t have a choice.

Let them go and come back to you when they feel that this is what they want to do or you risk becoming a bully by wanting them to do what you think is right.

This2willpass

Thanks for all your posts. I recognise that this isn’t what I should be doing. I don’t know where this has all come from. I think I do need some counselling before I ruin everything. It’s hard though.

Its very difficult to get counselling today unless you are in a position to pay. It sounds as if you are what is known as codependant which is very common today.

There is a 12 step program called CoDa which is free and there are online meetings everyday.

You can just go and listen. It's for like-minded people. I am a long term member of another, well known 12-step program hence I know about them.

Most people haven't heard of them. The link is below to the U.K website which also has the meetings list on. I have done CoDa myself in the past and it was really useful.

codauk.org/

Just also to add! You know its harming you. It's the process you need to stop this. You need tools and techniques to deal.

A + B = C

A = The problem
B = How to deal with it (which most people don't know how to) healthily hence stay stuck in the problem
C = the answer/solution

well done for recognising this is a problem before it ruins your relationships. Good luck with counselling.

Many years ago I was given the advice that the two greatest gifts I could give my children were 'roots and wings'. I understood that to mean a sense of love and belonging and the skills and confidence to find and follow their own path in life. I still think it is the best parenting advice I've ever been given.

Our eldest two - early 30s & late 20s we have long stopped giving them advice unless they ask.

Our younger two - early 20s still sometimes ask for advice! Usually about moral problems and clothes (me) or DIY (DH).

That said, the youngest recently got a new job & didn’t tell us anything about it until they got it. It made me realise how much they really have all flown the nest.

However, I’ve always thought that if my DCs are gone and they lead happy, fulfilling lives with ‘good’ morals we have done our job properly.

We hear from the two daughters in this country in some form about once a week. I think daily would be too much for me. Let me tell you a story and give you a useful phrase. When the date of Pope John Paul 11's funeral clashed with Charles and Camilla's proposed wedding, I, with my organising hat on, started to wonder how it could all be arranged and my husband said, "Leave it to the Vatican." That phrase is now used whenever my over-active mind starts wondering how other people's issues should be resolved. Just think about your daughter's house buying, "I'll leave it to the Vatican" and relax.

When my children were very young, I did a ten week course in a group, led by a psychotherapist, on parenting skills.
It was fascinating and informative, and several key aspects of what we learned have influenced how I lead my life and the choices I make ever since.
One of the sessions was about our responsibilities as parents, and that when a baby is born, he or she is 100% dependent on us.
Our task is to enable the child to become totally independent by the age of 18, or 21, so that they are able to embrace life as independent adults.
They owe us nothing.
I feel that many family problems arise when this is not the case.
Another vital aspect of the course was about realising what was actually responsibility in any situation, and what wasn't. It isn't always easy to discern, but sometimes just being aware of this can provide understanding and insight when boundaries get blurred.

You are not alone - we all want to help our children. but you have done fine job of bringing them up so far - now they will need and want to stand on their own two feet without you tiptoeing along behind them very day- just think back to how claustrophobic you would have found that in your younger days !!
You are only being selfish you know - it sounds as if YOU need them every day rather than vice versa. (If it is vice versa they both need counselling help - fast, now !) Try to fill your own life now - there are heaps of things we can all do so do them while we can ! Try telling you kids gently that you will be really busy on .... day so don't call me- I'll be out !! Then cary on with weaning them and weaning yourself from this need to be hearing from them each and every day. You have done that phase of life (bringing up baby) - now let's move on to the next phase an embrace that just as we embraced our earlier days. It will be better for all of you - promise !!
I once heard that worrying that something may happen has never stopped it happening so why worry - think about it !!

Hooray for you - wonderful phrase. I'll adopt it from now on in one form or another !

I have let go of my daughters life needing to be a specific way. I very rarely interfere in her decisions and generally don’t offer unsolicited advice. If she asks me, of course, I say what I think. I never criticise. Occasionally I do say something if it’s a big thing and although she doesn’t always say much at the time I know she takes it on for consideration. I think always interfering sends the message that ‘I don’t trust you to make your own choices’, and they then shut down. Like we have, our children have to learn from their own experiences and mistakes. We would love our kids to not suffer and our uninvited input can come from there.