How to let go of my adult children

I think I am the other way - my two sons (32 & 34) seem to want my input. They are constantly messaging me - they dump all of their stuff on me and expect me to sort everything out. My youngest son asked me the other why we dont talk as much - simply because we went 1 day without texting!
They are both very independant - but also quite needy.

Going back to 2005 when OH and I took retirement. 2 younger adult sons in mid-20s doing post-post-grad gap year, one for the 2nd time. Older child age 27 had done all that and back living at home. We needed change, downsizing (before they all came back!) and a better climate. House sold quickly and we left for the next 15 years in S France. Children flourished in careers, married, bought homes and even found time to visit us. They stood on their own feet, and it did them good. No regrets!

I cannot imagine interfering in my son's life he would blow a fuse. Why would you anyway? They have their own life, their own children, their own worries and joys. They are not yours but theirs. Get a life of your own and you will be too busy to worry about their problems. If they ask for help however, I am there with a response within minutes regardless what I am doing.

It’s hard as we still feel
The same, they however have other people to love and join their lives, wives children friends, partners… To us they are still our babies but that needed us, a house full of their friends and laughter ect we do need to find our own life as we had ours and now it’s time to be us again. I would like to see mine more but I wouldn’t like to be a mum that tbey are always popping in as I like my own time. Get a dog ? you won’t have time to miss them and will make lots new doggy friends and have company always x

And to add...they now give ME good advice!

Kate 1949, good answer, a few years ago when I was really worried about my daughter, I asked advice and was told children are only borrowed for a short while you can be in control, from then on mind your own business.

I find it helpful to read Kahlil Gibrans' poem, 'On Children'

'Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.

My only child is almost 40 . Married with two of his own children..amazing wife.
He and I have a WhatsApp conversation. I very very rarely message him on the weekend. That his family time. Monday through Friday " hope the bike is going well " " loads of storms today " etc.
He will always reply albeit could be a few hours later. I am grateful that he chat with me like that.
I trust his decisions (admittedly grumble sometimes to OH lol but that is just occasionally)
Also even when I don't agree... He is a grown man with a wife and they are their decisions .

Since my FIL died five years ago, my MIL has rung us practically every day.

We are old (early 60's), she is 86. I usually let my husband answer the phone as she can be on for half an hour. She doesn't always want something, she just wants to chat. She can ring as early at 8am, even on a weekend. We both work full time.

Some days she will come up with some trivial but urgent reason why my DH needs to go around e.g. light bulb gone.

I confess that if I am in on my own and I see that she is calling, I don't answer the phone.

She is lovely but it just gets a bit too much sometimes.

I have adult children but we usually communicate on WhatsApp and only every couple of weeks, unless there is something specific happening.

I would hate to think that my children thought I was needy/a nuisance/interfering.

Firstly, you are not alone, we give birth to them, we nurure them, we protect them, and discipline them. We spend many years being their confident and adviser, it's hard to let go.

Secondly, have your children complained about your 'interfering'? Perhaps your perception is different to theirs, and maybe they welcome your assistance?

Finally if you are struggling to step back, and it's becoming a problem, why not try CBT counselling? And perhaps join some groups that you could focus your energy on?

I let go when they became 18yo.
We`ve always been very close and maybe letting go at that age helped,were here for eachother and we all know that.

Oh bless your heart. It's sooo hard isn't it to let go. We love them sooo much. I really do understand. I don't have any answers really, except that I try to just take myself back to being their age and how I felt sooo grown up and would never have welcomed anyone telling me/advising me what to do! Just as parents have had to do for years, we have to let them live and learn and try our best to only give advice if and when asked what we think and even then I will say, do you really want my honest opinion!!!
I sometimes think it's tougher, certainly emotionally. to parent adult children than when they were tiny! Sending much understanding and a hug x

My 'children' are 34 and 35, they occasionally ask for advice, I give it or I see them about to do something silly (especially my son) - he has a habit of thinking because he expects to get something, win something etc he will; and doesn't have a back up plan. In this case I say...Or- what's the back-up? He umms, as etc then calls a few days later to tell me he decided he needed another approach 'just in case'! Oh good, well done! We go on like that ;)

I hear from my kids every day one way or another. I’m very lucky having lots of social events and holidays with them
I try not to judge them or interfere but offer advice when asked. I am very lucky for the closeness we have. Time is the most important thing you can give someone. I try to speak to my elderly mother every day.

What I made of my life was from my own determination to get what I wanted. This took no time in finding out as neither of my parents had any ambitions for me.
I was to recognise myself in my youngest child and gave free rein.This has to be so far my most rewarding achievement.

When someone is an adult they make their own decisions in life. Unless they ask for advise it is simple...you keep your mouth shut. Giving birth to someone does not give you the right to run their lives forever. If you brought them up well they will be fine....

I have just had to do that with my son - literally. He flew out to Australia the weekend before last.
His method to stop me "interfering" is to just not tell me anything until the last minute !
I only got told he was going "in May" at Easter and the actual date of his flight, 3 weeks before!
It's hard but you just have to bite your tongue and not give your opinion unless it's asked for!

I wasn’t a very good mother largely because of my own upbringing and I thought my 3 would be glad to be rid of me. I brought them up to be independent and they are. However, they now take a lot of trouble to make sure I’m ok so the boot is on the other foot!

I think there’s nothing wrong with suggestions here and there as long as they are only suggestions.
I usually say
Well maybe you could do …
Or if it were me, I’d probably ….
And then I drop it like a hot jacket potato before I over step, especially if my daughters are hormonal. Then I try to keep my big trap shut as I’m a baby penguin in shark infested waters ??

I've 2 close friends with big families of adult children and they're both still running part of their childrens' lives. They talk to some of the children once a day at least - one friend was worried her 36 year old hadn't been in touch for 3 days. Our DD is 38 & lives 3 hours from us, we usually speak once a week unless it's something important & we have a family WhatsApp group for photos. DS lives 2 miles away. He's away working for several months at a time we might hear once every couple of weeks. If he's home on leave, sometimes we see him quite a bit & sometimes not- usually depends on whether he needs the children looking after. We look after them regularly when he's away. We don't interfere in either child's life, they're old enough to get on by themselves after all. I think the fact they were both at boarding school make them less dependent on us. We are of course invited to comment occasionally which is nice although DS is having an extension built but we were shown the plans rather than asked to comment objectively. I wouldn't like them to feel we were interfering which I'm sure can happen.

timetogo2016

I let go when they became 18yo.
We`ve always been very close and maybe letting go at that age helped,were here for eachother and we all know that.

Exactly what I did, they went off to University or to work and did not come back to live permanently with me. I consider that I have done my job as a mother to make them independent and secure adults ready to start their own paths through life.

Up until the first lockdown, we did not speak regularly on the phone, all of us led busy lives, but we got together regularly for birthdays, Christmas, Mothers Day etc and I could always rely on them if I needed help with something in the house.

Then when the lockdown began and we all stayed at home, it was decided to set up a family WhatsApp group so we could touch base every day - I had mentioned that if I became ill overnight or had a stroke, it might be days before I was missed, so now I have to give a very brief “morning” message every day! I find it quite reassuring especially after my TIA last year.

My children do phone more often at the moment to check up on me since my mum died two weeks ago but I expect that will tale off in a while as they are both busy with new jobs and moving house. That’s as it should be in my book.

Hithere

Generally speaking, an adult child knows what it is best for him/her

When parents of AC say "I want what is best for my kids" may translate as " I want what gives me peace of mind regardless of what my AC want for themselves"

this.

The way to do it is to do it. And do it you must if you want to keep your close relationship.

I always found it very difficult when I could envisage they were making a mistake, but having brought mine up to be strong individuals I have to respect their decisions.
Have just made sure I am there if they ever need a moan, a cry or to come back home to get some breathing space when things have gone wrong.
All mine have done better with their lives than I ever did or will do.
Not sure if this makes me sound bad but time mine reached mid 20's I was happy to wave them goodbye.
Some times we hear from more than 1 in a day, other weeks we hear from nobody. I have my life they have theirs. Rarely hear from the men.

Thank you all for responding. I really do appreciate it. Am really going to address my issues.

I only hear from my 2 daughters when needed, mostly for money, the last time I saw them one who lives 10 mins away, and the other an hour away, was last August when I payed for a holiday, they are 56 and 58. I do get texts, emails, and sometimes phone calls, but visits, no too much trouble.
Sorry if I sound a sorry old biddy, but it does hurt, and I am not one for joining clubs, so am quite lonely.