Husband acting stupid with our adult sons

How old are the sons?

If they they all get on well and this banter and silly stuff is how they like to communicate, I'm not seeing what the problem is..

My dad loved to tell us of his escapades when he was young, I loved hearing them. He used to skip school all the time, but it never made me want to do it. We all make our own choices and don't necessarily follow in our parents footsteps. Please don't worry yourself over it.

We have all done silly or stupid things in our younger days.
Telling our children or grandchildren about this is a way of admitting that we are not perfect and that we do not expect them to be.

It is also usually a way of telling them that we would in many instances rather they did not go down the road we did.

Why do you feel that your husband's stories make it impossible for your sons to respect him? Has he done something really either criminal or morally wrong in his past?

If so, would hiding this be better?

I feel you are worrying about something that you haven't explained very clearly, so our answers may not be helpful.

I also feel that telling you to shut up was impolite, but so were you when you corrected your husband in front of your sons.

In hindsight, don't you think you would have done better to broach the matter quietly to your husband when you and he were alone?

The Male species love banter and I bet they rate there dad for having a life before being a responsible adult. I think maybe just lighten up a little bit and join in and tell them the things you got up to as a teenager. After all we wasn’t born old.

It must depend on the nature of stories of his youth that he is telling them, if it is just fun silly things that boys do - like ringing bells and running away, scrumping, skiving school etc then that’s just part for the course but if it’s something a more serious and he’s bragging about it then that’s a different story altogether. Parents are there to bring their children up to respect and learn about the world not necessarily to become their best friends.

Just let them bond their own way...

For what its worth, while there are things we dont need to burden our children with, its actually a positive to share our life stories with them. Knowing we are not perfect, they learn we do not expect them to be and that they can come to us with any problems in life.

Children dont need perfect parents, perfect parents do not teach how to cope with negative experiences and emotions. Perfect parents dont raise children who can take risks and push past comfort zones.

Let your husband parent his way and maybe teach your children it is ok to mess up and laugh at ourselves sometimes.

We are all human, even parents

Gaunty Helen, Really what on earth do you mean?

I am not sure my DH has ever been one for serious discussions with our children; son, or daughter. It is just not his style.

They are both around 50 now, and any serious talks and discussions emenated from me, or the children. I still have long deep discussions with both children, usually on the phone, about anything and everything, from personal subjects, to political and philosophical matters.

Because you think your husband should be having serious discussions with his sons, does not mean he has failed in anyway because he doesn't, it just means that you are expecting him to be something he isn't. Neither my DH or our son are in to serious man-to-man discussions.

However , ours is a family that does an awful lot of talking and have discussions on anything and everything around the dinner table, or sitting back in the living room in the evening and at various times during our children's youth they heard our family values on many subjects, put forward and discussed in family discussion. This included sexual matters.

I am not convinced that the 'I did this in my youth, it caused no end of problems so don't do it yourself ' is a good way of approaching problems anyway. We just had family discussions, for example, about how unplanned pregnancies outside committed relationships affect the woman far more than the man and that it behove both children never to have unprotected sex or relie on a partners assurances. The discussions would then move onto considering whether you could swim in a swimming pool full of jelly, or whether you would just sink.

But the messages were heard and, as far as I know, informed their behaviour.

I think it’s just men never growing up. My two sons and their dad are exactly the same, quoting tag lines from films and comedy series. If any one of them goes to make a cuppa they are guaranteed to come back wearing the tea cosy as a hat. My gd and I just look at each other and raise our eyes heavenward.

@Honeysuckleberries the dark ages called they want you back !

Well, thank you ladies for your views. I think maybe I didn’t explain fully but no matter.

icanhandthemback, thank you, you get what I mean. When you said your husband told his son how unwise it was re sex, it was because he’d grown up and didn’t want his son to make the same mistake.

It was the fact he did what others told him to do. We’re not talking about his youth - he was in his late twenties. My ES is very independent and would never do that. I would just like to hear him be serious with them more about stuff.

It could be worse, it could be someone else telling your sons of past mistakes to taint their view of them. My husband told his son how unwise it was having under aged sex because the young lady could not legally give consent. His ex-wife's response was to tell him what a hypocrite he was as they were only 15 when they first had sex. Erm, no, he's grown up, realised that there are serious consequences and wants to protect his son from them.
Sometimes it helps your children to see you are a "real" person who made mistakes rather than just a figure of authority. Also, it depends how old your sons are Florencerosie. If they are grown up, they have already have formed their opinion. Mind you, if my husband told me to "Shut up," my response wouldn't be polite. I would expect a more reasoned response!

FlorenceRosie I hope all the negative comments haven't upset you. I sense that you have definite ideas of what a father/son relationship should be. I wonder did you have a father you worshipped? Is that what you want for your sons? You can't change people, so its probably best to let them build their own relationship and step back.

My father used to tell me and my two siblings all sorts of things that he got up to as a boy. Some of the stories were hilarious, although naughty. Shooting a boy in the backside with an air gun when he was eight…

I fail to understand how what the OP describes is ‘acting stupid(ly)’. Is she jealous of the relationship her husband has with his sons? She sounds a bit of a misery and I’m not surprised he told her to shut up.

I don't understand why, if he hadn't a strong father figure to follow, that he would be different.
So much of our behaviour is not really decided by what we have experienced but by genetics!
My son , now in his thirties had minimal contact with his own father from a baby but I can certainly see aspects of his father's personality coming out over the years !
If he can't be "silly " with his sons, who can he with????
When he starts off again (and he will, if only to annoy you) just leave them to it - they are allowed to have fun surely!

Are you perhaps annoyed they get on so well. He’s developing a good relationship with his son, please don’t ruin it for them.
They may both turn against you.

My kids haven’t had a strong father figure ….. they’ve done alright. I taught them to form their own opinions.

I think most of us probably tell our kids & GC about daft things we got up to in our youth, they usually like to hear what we got up to. They probably get fed up of hearing the same old tales Can’t see the harm.

Reading this back, it sounds like OP’s husband is maybe easily led and doesn’t have any opinions of his own/is easily swayed. Which makes me wonder how they’ve been together this long, if it annoys her!

Err, I just don't get this? Her husband (who she chose to have children with) has a bit of fun and banter with his sons? Oh dear, how dreadful!! I don't blame him for telling her to shut up, he is there for them? he is their father? end of.

Well, I hope florence isnt put off by the replies and comes back with perhaps more background on how this problem actually affects the family
It would seem she's hit a tender spot for her husband, or he wouldnt have reacted in such a way.

How a man and his grown up sons (or daughters) communicate with each other, how they get on and how they feel is strictly their own business
I think OP sounds as if she feels left out of these conversations and interprets what is apparently acceptable banter or anecdotes about his youth to them, as “stupid”. She risks being seen as meddling or controlling and IMO needs to step back.

Thanks BlueBelle I can see that now.

Elaine I think the poster is using both illustrations to try to say her husband is not a good intelligent influence on their sons which of course is not true by the examples she has given