husband doesn't want me to see as much of my family

Well said Granny 23. This is a very serious situation and I like many others here are concerned about Nanna 100. I hope she continues to post here for support. Nanna 100 you must be overwhelmed with all the response you have received here I hope you are coping with that. Please seek support from your family or outside professionals.

He is controlling and will get worse. Do you want to be isolated from everyone you care about? If you are prepared to walk away, knowing that at times you will be lonely, children as they get older don’t see parents as much, do it. I would rather be alone than with anyone like that however much he says he loves you, in my eyes that’s not love, it’ is possessive controlling behaviour. I would make a plan, knowing you will end up with half, go for it, you will be free to be yourself once more. You only live once and you’re worth it.

I am wondering if he is just plain jealous because you have a very close relationship with your kids and Sister….
Have you asked him if this is the case?
Your kids and Sister love you enough, I am sure as long as you are happy….maybe it’s him who needs to take a long hard look at his own relationships…
However, I do think he is being totally unfair and unkind to your nearest and dearest and I sincerely hope it doesn’t get to the stage that they all turn on him because that isn’t what you want, but I suspect they are all keeping a very close watch, just to make sure you are happy.
It is so sad that you are caught up in the middle…
Just keep your relationships with you family as they are, be honest with him and say he mustn’t make you choose between him and your family….
When you get an invite to family gatherings then make it clear that you are going and you would love very much for him to come, but if he doesn’t want to then maybe go anyway and go out for dinner with him another day, just so he doesn’t feel left out.
You can only be ‘controlled’ if you let him….he sounds like he needs boundaries, so you set some and carry on seeing your family and do something nice with him another day…it isn’t ideal but I guess it’s a compromise and he knows you love him and want to spend ‘quality time’ as it were with him, but he will also know you mean business when it comes to your family…..perhaps you should show your assertive side and simply tell him that you love him and love spending time with him, however, he also needs to know that if he wants a happy Wife then he has got to get on with you seeing your kids, Grandkids and your Sister as often as you like. But perhaps if you make time to do something nice with him maybe once a week, cook a nice meal, walk to your local pub, things like that…he might feel more secure….

Controlling, emotionally abusive, miserable. What do you get out if this marriage other than anxiety and upset?

You said I don't know what I can do to make him want to embrace my side of the family more.

He doesn't have to do that but he also shouldn't be dictating to you as he is.

Several posters have said they don't think counseling would help but I think it could help to clarify both your positions to each other.
Even counseling for yourself alone could help you to see things more clearly and to decide whether to stay in this marriage.

You work full time, spend one and a half days looking after a grandchild and about 6 hours a week with your children and you don't say how long with your friends. Maybe he just likes your company and wants to spend more time with you.

There is no right or wrong about spending time with family, some people want to, some do not.

Looking at this from his point of view…
I love my wife and want to spend as much time as I can with her.
We are both working full time so I can’t see her.
She works full time and then spends a day and a half looking after a child. Can’t see her.
When we do have time she sometimes socialises with her ex husband and family. I don’t get her for myself.
When she sees her ex husband I’m worried she might still love him.
I don’t know her family very well but they are taking her away from me.
I work hard and I just want to relax with my lovely wife, but she’s concentrating on her family.

I think he is being ignored by his wife and is reacting in an unhelpful way. It is like a drowning person grabbing on to their rescuer and drowning them both.

The utter automatic condemnation of this man is appalling but not unexpected on gransnet.

I think most of us just expect a man to be able to function with a woman who works full time and has interests other than him. Perhaps we just know a lot of men who are able to cope with this.

Honeysuckleberries, you have said exactly what I have been thinking. I don't like the way this man is immediately deemed jealous, possessive, a controller, a domestic abuser; to me he sounds like a man at the end of his tether.

When they first met it was just the two of them; now the family have moved close and seem to have swamped any private life.
He works long hours and when he is at home his wife is totally involved with her family. Why is it necessary to phone her adult children nearly every day, see them all once a week, socialise with them and her ex-husband regularly, arrange sleepovers for grandchildren, go on family holidays? Occasionally, yes, all good fun, but the frequency seems excessive .

The poster does need to re-assess her life style and see if she is prepared to make any compromises, but the phrase how can I make my husband embrace my family more is ominous.

It's all about compromise.

If you love each other, then sort out a workable plan.

He needs to accept, with good grace, that you are close to your family and friends.

Whether he wishes to join in, is his choice. Whether you wish to see them, and how often, is your choice.

He needs to stop with all the controlling behaviour.

But, you should, also make time, as a couple, just the two of you.

So called "blended" families are a juggling act, so it's finding a way that makes everyone happy.

If he can't compromise, though, I would be thinking as to whether I want to spend my life with a man like that.

Only you can make that decision.?

LTB

Imagine what it will be like when you retire and he can check where you are all the time. How will that be?

Honeysuckleberries

Looking at this from his point of view…
I love my wife and want to spend as much time as I can with her.
We are both working full time so I can’t see her.
She works full time and then spends a day and a half looking after a child. Can’t see her.
When we do have time she sometimes socialises with her ex husband and family. I don’t get her for myself.
When she sees her ex husband I’m worried she might still love him.
I don’t know her family very well but they are taking her away from me.
I work hard and I just want to relax with my lovely wife, but she’s concentrating on her family.

I think he is being ignored by his wife and is reacting in an unhelpful way. It is like a drowning person grabbing on to their rescuer and drowning them both.

The utter automatic condemnation of this man is appalling but not unexpected on gransnet.

She works as well. Why does he need attention paid to him. They could cook together, wash dishes together, she shouldn't have to stop everything to pay attention to him.

If 14 years have passed since meeting him I would have thought it might have occurred to him that grandchildren might be on the scene at some stage.

I can see his point of view, but grown ups have to compromise on these sorts of things.
It's a slippery slope, for whatever my opinion is worth.
There will always be issues with a partner who has had a life before meeting us, so we have to make the best of it, or call it a day.

I am always amazed at the replies to many posts on here, especially where they say,’ it sounds to me like’, based on very limited information, and following with rather drastic instructions!
I once again quote my mother’s saying, ‘ There are three sides to every story, his side, her side, and the truth.’
For that reason, I’d think that counselling could help, or at least a calm discussion, to see exactly what the issue is, and what they both feel able to do to improve it. My cousin’s marriage broke up, and a large part of it was because her son, his wife, and three quite unruly children came for dinner every night because ‘ he’s been working all day and needs a good dinner, and she’s busy with the children’. Please note, I am not suggesting this applies in this case, just that I’d hope OP and her husband could find out if it’s more than just him being determined to control her, which she won’t know until he tells her.
Counsellors are not there to judge and/or advise, more to keep the discussion on track ( or at least, they should be)
Good Luck.

Have you considered he may be feeling insecure?
He's afraid of losing you, and in his clumsy way of holding onto you he's actually bringing about the very thing he fears most.
I doubt he'll change, but it'd be a shame to break up your marriage when you consider in another 10 years the grandchildren won't need you and you'll be alone.
I am married to someone similar and I know there's no 'sitting down and talking' with them. But do think hard before you throw him away for the sake of other people.

Daddima of course you are correct in that we only have one side of the story here, but this scenario happened in our family but it was the man who was alienated from his children, mother and the rest of our family (including me) by his controlling wife, she then divorced him and his family didn’t want anything to do with him. ( by this time I didn’t have a clue where he lived and his mother had died)
Of course he had a voice and we felt he should have stood up to his wife, but he didn’t, pretty much like this Poster?

Yep! I agree with Esspee and others, once he's removed you from your family, he'll start on your friends.
He sounds very insecure and jealous. Maybe that neediness appealed to you once but now others need you more.
Be a bit selfish yourself and do what's best for you.

I'm always amazed that when someone has a domestic problem most advice on here is to leave. It's never that easy to start again. There has to be a compromise here. To be honest if I was constantly surrounded by my husband's family especially his ex I wouldn't like it. He sounds as if he just wants some peace and quiet at times. A conversation needs to be had.

eazybee

*Honeysuckleberries*, you have said exactly what I have been thinking. I don't like the way this man is immediately deemed jealous, possessive, a controller, a domestic abuser; to me he sounds like a man at the end of his tether.

When they first met it was just the two of them; now the family have moved close and seem to have swamped any private life.
He works long hours and when he is at home his wife is totally involved with her family. Why is it necessary to phone her adult children nearly every day, see them all once a week, socialise with them and her ex-husband regularly, arrange sleepovers for grandchildren, go on family holidays? Occasionally, yes, all good fun, but the frequency seems excessive .

The poster does need to re-assess her life style and see if she is prepared to make any compromises, but the phrase how can I make my husband embrace my family more is ominous.

You've posted just what I was about to say eazybee and Honeysuckle..... where is the compromise in all of this?

How would Nana100 feel if roles were reversed and husband was spending so much time on his family?

I do think counselling would be helpful because you could both listen to what each of you is saying in a non judgemental and neutral space.
All relationships rely on compromise to some extent, but it is difficult to change how someone else feels, only how you view things.
It may be that compromise isn’t possible and then you may need to make some tough decisions, depending on your own priorities.

It's hard to know if he's struggling with change, or if he's being immature and jealous of anyone who takes your time and attention from him, and/or reminds him that you had a life prior to him.

Some people don't really enjoy kids, and find it a relief when they're all grown and flown. Is it possible he simply doesn't enjoy kids around? I can empathize with the holiday issue. A large crew on holiday together is a lot of moving parts, different personalities, different schedules... I personally don't want to work that hard while on vacation, and for what a holiday costs, I'm also not wanting to spend loads of money and not do as I please... (which is laying about somewhere warm, a warm ocean/sea, and drinks with tiny little umbrellas in them).

At the end of the day, only you know if this is a struggle with change, or jealousy/insecurity. And what you will and won't accept moving forward.

I thinking that Nana100 needs to think about whether some compromise from both sides will resolve this problem, and that will be that.

I suspect not.

Has he always had an issue around the amount of time you spend?

At my age, I wouldn't really start a relationship if I much preferred time as a couple.

Two words spring to mind Nana communication and compromise.

You and your H need to talk about this situation honestly so you can both understand the other's point of view. As has already been suggested, counselling would be a good way of ensuring that you're on neutral ground with someone impartial to hopefully keep the conversation focused.

Once you understand how the other feels and why, compromises will hopefully be agreed upon.

Take some time to ponder Honeysucklberries post which IMO is excellent and may well have pin pointed some, if not all that your H is feeling.

It is wrong for anyone to dictate how much time someone's spending with family and Oopsadaisy also makes a very valid point, about how a controlling partner can eventually lead to estrangement within a family, with the one being controlled eventually being totally isolated. We've also experienced this which is why communication and compromise is so important.

Your H needs to know from the outset that the time spent with your family is important to you, that you're prepared to make more time for him without them being around, and that he needs to be more welcoming and better company when they visit.

I hope that by working together toward a shared goal you can resolve this.

I'm not suggesting that he's emotionally abusive and seeking to alienate you from your family that said, it an and does happen and the 'victim' is more often than not unaware of being manipulated and controlled until the damage is done.

Honeysuckleberries, I agree. How much is too much time with them?

Where is the time for your relationship? Be honest. How much actual time do you spend with him alone? Or with mutual friends? Once a week? Monthly?

If you want your family to be the centre of your life, always, maybe you do need to split up. But if you love your husband and want to stay married, you'll need to find a middle ground. He can then decide if he wants what is on offer, or leave.