husband doesn't want me to see as much of my family

When my children were small, my Mother-in-Law (a widow), was wonderfully helpful and we all loved visiting her in her little council flat.
Then she re-married - moved into quite a luxury flat, owned by her new husband. He was a widower with two AC, and a couple of g.children.
He detested it when we came to visit there, disliked the mess and noise that our family caused. MiL slowly also ceased to visit us, or have any part in our family life.

This was all very many years ago, but one of my younger children (now on her way to fifty years of age), recently commented that she did not have any memories of her Grandma, as she thought I had stopped them seeing her (her father and I did separate). I did correct her, but still feel sad that the re-marriage had effectively stopped her being a Grandma.

You can do absolutely nothing to make him want to see your family, and probably nothing to make him accept that you want to see them.

So either you try to work out a compromise, such as accepting that your grandchildren do not stay the night at your place, or seeing less of your children or grandchildren, or you sit down an consider very seriously, whether you want to spend the rest of your life, basically, for the sake of peace, only seeing your husband.

What you do depends entirely on whether you feel your marriage is still a good one, and your husband the man you fell for. If you still feel you cannot live without him, you need to be honest with yourself and realise that you cannot change him.

You might be able to demand that you go and see your children when and as you like. but that they only visit you if your husband is not at home. I imagine you will all enjoy yourselves more without him.

If you accept the view that he is controlling to the point of emotional abuse, start looking seriously at the prospect of leaving him - the longer you wait the harder it will become.

Hi Nana ,

I reread your original
post to see if your earlier messages including mine were a knee jerk reaction to your situation ie : we are siding with you against your husband .

Other gransnetters see his point of view .
Fair enough .
I guess that the goal posts have altered since you first met and that you are nearer to your family and see more of them than before .

But I still think that he's exhibiting emotional control and abuse .

A compromise would be ideal - maybe if you could set aside some quality time during which you can wine ,dine and enjoy the special relationship together as you did before .

But if you can't achieve this - perhaps with counselling then the future looks bleak

I've seen this horrible insidious emotional control and blackmail in my own family in which someone has to have all of their own way all of the time - no matter how the other partner feels .And they don't give a damn .

This is what I call a cruel ,destructive bullying relationship and not a creative ,happy healthy relationship .

One person is completely destroying themselves in order to please another .

I'm sure that all of us are thinking of you on gransnet and we are hoping for a happy conclusion .

Sharing it with us is a very good idea and maybe the first step to a better future .

Take a deep breath and consider your options .

Wishing you every joy and good luck .

sounds like he is an introvert and you are not.

He doesn't like sharing you with others, needs to be in control and appears to be pushing you to make a decision, him or them.
He sound a miserable human being. Does he have friends?
I think family is everything if I was told not to see my grandchildren and my children he would get short change from me, it would never happen.
He's a bully you need to make a decision.

welbeck

sounds like he is an introvert and you are not.

No it seems far more than that.

If he were an introvert who preferred not to chat with her family or go to family events or other outings but was happy for her to go alone that's fine.

But he isn't- OP said she has tried that and he doesn't like it.
And she phones them on her way home from work so it doesn't encroach on his evening.

That isnt just him being introverted, and choosing what he does ( which would be reasonable) - it is him trying to control her by isolating her from others.

The husband does have friends and he wants them both to socialise with them.
The OP has said I've taken the approach I'll (will, not have) go on my own if he's uncomfortable about it, not: it's making him uncomfortable therefore I will reduce the amount of contact with my ex.
I really do think the amount of time she devotes to her family is excessive, and I know why it makes me uneasy.
I knew a young couple who met at university in her home town; she wanted to stay, he didn't, so they moved to the first job offer, unfortunately in his home town where they lived with his parents, but only on condition that they spent every other weekend and virtually all holidays with her family. The relationship came to a brutal end six weeks before their marriage when she discovered his affair with a work colleague; his excuse, unforgiveable but true: we never did anything together that didn't involve our families or work. Later, happily married to someone else but never returning home, she acknowledged, neither of us was prepared to leave our families; we never properly left home and it ruined the relationship.

Yes eazybee, I agree.

That amount of someone else's family is suffocating. Fine, for the person whose family it is, but not for the one who they're not related to.

I think she has to decide which she wants, because it sounds like she doesn't want to compromise either. Pretty sure she'll pick her family. Which is fine.

You may have come to a crossroads in your life where you are both going to have to decide how you see your future if you are happy to isolate yourself and just have each other then stay and work through it but if Dh can see how much joy being with family brings you why would he want to stop this .I think him forcing you to choose would only lead to resentment so neither of you will be happy.

He knew you had family when you got together and, in both mine & my SO views, family comes first!!!
How dare he be so controlling of you, demanding that you not share YOUR time with YOUR FAMILY!!
You really need to put your foot down, stop creeping around to see your family and friends and tell him straight that although you have friends together, you also have separate friends! And he's just fine seeing his son whenever he wants, so you will see your children & grandchildren when you want, regardless of what he demands!!!
Yes, your friends are right, he's controlling and a bully, and really you shouldn't have stood for it from the start as that meant he was winning!!!

I had a father with a wife that thought in a similar way to your husband. She didn’t want him to see me or his grandchildren. She made no secret that she disliked us and wanted us out of his life. Over the years, I did my best to ignore her behaviour, which included showing open animosity toward my mother, in order to keep my relationship with my Dad. However, eventually my father started to pull back from me to please his wife, a few years later barely any contact at all. Awkward situations turned into bad atmospheres which turned into conflict, which is now a irreparable situation. The amount of damage and pain that woman has caused is indescribable. I was deeply hurt by my father going along with it; and still am in some ways. I now know that he was likely in a controlling & abusive marriage and in all likelihood became exhausted by his wife making seeing his children a constant issue / pressure. I am not saying you are in an abusive marriage; but your husband’s behaviour is showing red flags and is controlling . I know difficulties in a marriage are awful - but stand firm on this and do not allow him to destroy your relationships with your children and grandchildren. The fact is he should want you to have lovely relationships with your children; because he understands you are a mother which is a big part if who you are. God bless you.