Son and family moving to Australia

Philippa60 try not to feel guilty for your reaction, you felt what you felt in the moment and it can’t be helped, it’s how you move forward that’s important.

Always come on here and chat when you need to, there’s plenty of us with children in NZ and Australia who understand exactly what you are going through. ?

Many many years ago my husband was sent on a 3 year exchange job to the u.s.a.. we as a family all went and had the most fantastic time. Loved the people, the country, and just everything. We both wanted to stay permanently but because of my mother and being the only child she had as my brothers had died in their 20s we just shut the idea down. I have never stopped wishing we had just done what suited us best as a family as I have never really returned. Also marrying someone from another country especially if its the woman of the couple invariably means one day the pull of their family will be why they want to return. If your d.i.l is unhappy because she wants to go ‘home’ that will never go away and your son will bear the brunt of it. So stand back,tell your husband he needs to think of their lives, you’ve had yours, and send them off cheerfully. I may sound hard but I’m not, just trying to get across that the young come first and one day they may be wavering their children off to another country and understand your current sadness.

It may not be as bad as you imagine though he was harsh to spring it on you like that.
Our DS has been in NZ since 2007 but they let us know their plans and included us all the time. DH was alive then and so positive about it that I wasn't allowed to blub.
They came back for visits most years and we went out a couple of times.
Now DH has died I can't see myself making the journey alone but they are coming here in August. I haven't seen DGS or his mum for 4 years. DS came home when his dad was dying and stayed until after the funeral despite covid lockdown he managed it.
I do have other DC in this country which helps.
In some ways I feel closer to my distant DS than I do to the ones here.

Philippa, I am going through this same experience. When my daughter and her husband decided to move with their little baby daughter 5 years ago my heart broke. I feel like I could make their lives easier by babysitting etc. but it was their decision. I have kept my mouth shut and tried never to lay on the guilt. It’s incredibly hard…but we do travel to see them and they travel here. They are happy and thriving and that’s the most important thing to me. I try to focus on that.

It's amazing to read how many gransnetters have similar experiences, it's very helpful to hear your experiences.
The good news is that my DH just send DS a wattsapp message (first contact since the news broke 48 hours, he's been refusing to engage) so I am encouraged by that.
We are very sad but need mainly to recover and re-group from the shock of how he broke the news, and then we will start looking forwards. No point harping on it now that the decision has been made.
Hopefully we will see them a few times before they go, maybe have the whole family together...
Thanks for all your comments, I read everyone one and want you to know how much you are helping me
Philippa

I can't imagine the hurt, my daughter married onto army life but they are civilians now and we moved a year ago to be an hour away, instead of 3. Having said that, with all the European worries perhaps for now it may be safer place for them to live. It's an enormous journey and expensive too... . I know what I've just said. But id still be crying my socks off... Hugs. X

I understand the shock from your end.

This decision, while seemingly coming out of the blue, has been in their minds for a while.

It is going to be ok and get used to it.

I agree with all the good advice already given here.
However I am a little disappointed with your son's reaction to you being upset. Did he expect you to be delighted and glad they were leaving. Of course you are upset and he should understand that.

Phillipa, There are others with wise advice who have experienced what you are. I am so sorry, I can only imagine how you feel but you will adapt. It’s a different life for you all. Just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you.
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I have been through this a few years ago, P60, and the hurt was very deep. It left a massive hole initially, but with all the technology around, its honestly not as bad as you imagine. You will settle into a pattern with your family, and that may mean its Skype with Australia, and that will be so much comfort to you. We skype every month or so, see the grandchildren, catch up on what they are up to. We also have a Whatsapp group just for us family, and that is great cos we tell each other work news and other stuff.
Yes you never think you will accept it, but you do, and it becomes the norm. And then you start to feel happy for them, and proud of them, and glad that they have such wonderful lives and opportunities they wouldn't have here. We are so lucky this year, as they are all coming over at xmas, we have helped them out with the fare, but it will be wonderful to show the grandchildren a proper English christmas time. We never thought this would happen, so we are beyond happy. It will be heartfelt when they leave, but we know it will settle back down to be what it is.
Take heart P60, you will not always feel so bereft, your emotions will be shuffling for a time, but it will settle. Sending you kind regards, and hugs

I remeber when I was a Guide leader ( 50 years ago ) another leader was going to move to Australia . She said she was OK about leaving her family until her grandfather remarked that if she went he would never see them again. Nowadays this is so different even if you only see them on Skype most of the time until you can visit or they visit.

Thanks again everyone who has commented so far. I am really encouraged by all the wonderful advice and support.
It's day 3 since the news and we are already feeling a little better. We haven't spoken yet, and I am glad because I don't want to be crying again. I think today I'll be able to speak without the tears.
My DH burst into tears after he sent the long wattsapp message and I think both the sending it, and getting a nice message back, and the crying, helped him move on.
It's a long road ahead but I think we are over the worst.
Thank you all so much and please keep the comments coming

Hi Phillipa60

Oh how I feel your pain .. but life goes on! Our daughter went backpacking to Australia in 2004, for a year. Then she got a visa for a second year. Then she was offered a full time permanent job and we realised she probably wouldn’t move back to the UK - she’s our only child. We visited, we all met up in Thailand twice - I had two 60th birthday celebrations, a holiday in Thailand with daughter and partner and a party a month later in Wales. We sent parcels, we phoned, then we FaceTimed. She came home on visits - we once celebrated Christmas at the end of October! We managed, and we got used to it. It was great to visit, awful saying goodbye, but we grew accustomed to the new situation. Fast forward to 2022 and here I am sending you greetings from my home in Kiama NSW. Following your offspring isn’t for everyone, but plenty do. There are all sorts of ways of coping with this, but one thing is sure - cope you will, and the times together will be joyful.

It's a tough time for you but like everyone says, things will work out. Thinking of you both

Thank you!

Wow Goldbeater what a story! So uplifting too.
How are you finding living in Oz itself? Is it so very different?

That's great Goldbeater, I am so happy for you.
Another thing with all the video calls, it doesn't feel far away at all.
We have a WhatsApp family group where we all post news and jokes.
My DB emigrated to Denmark 40years ago. My mum found that very hard at first. She even learned Danish so she could speak to her DGC.
He came back every year and still does
One of mum's comments which made us giggle was "couldn't he have chosen a French wife" " the climate and language is much easier"

Such a wonderful message Goldbeater - a real boost for all us coping with far away family! Thank you!
Our DS1 lives the other side of Sydney to you and we'd love to move there. DS2 and family are in the UK however, albeit 500 miles from us, and so we are hopefully moving close to them in the very near future.
Philippa I'm glad to hear things are (slightly) better - there's a lovely support group right here for you

Just to update that we had another video call yesterday with our DS and it was pretty upbeat, no tears at all.
We are moving on....
Thank you all, you literally pulled me out of a hole and pushed me towards the right direction, I am so grateful.
P60

I hadn't been married for a year when we left for the Caribbean. My parents thought they would never see me again.
In ŕeality, through the 14 years I was away we spent more time together than they did with my brother.
You do not know what the future holds and at least with the Internet you will be able to see them and talk to them as often as you want.

My DS has been in Australia for 12 years now and until covid we saw each other most years although I don’t like Australia at all (I’m a real European!). You get used to it.
He’s over now with the family. We’re having a great time but saying goodbye is hideous and this time could be the last because of my prognosis so doubly hard for him and me but there is a lot of love between us and the little cousins .. building memories

? Lucca this must be so hard.

Lucca

It's so hard and heartbreaking when they tell you ? I have a son who emigrated 13yrs ago to be with his Australian girlfriend.
Now they are married and have a son happy and living a lovely life ? What more could I wish for my child but health and happiness.

Every day I miss him but life isn't always how you want it to be.

I know how you’re feeling Lucca my son arrived back in Sydney last evening. I’d told his four year old son that I’d really miss him and he drew me a ♥️ …made me even more emotional of course. I showed my very unemotional husband a video I’d taken of him interacting with little Harry and he ended up with tears in his eyes. It’s not easy is it.