No desire and my husband

yes, I concur!

It is very difficult to resolve such challenges, as to some extent they arise from the natural decline in hormones as women age. It is tough to feel guilty about something that is not of your making. It is just what life has chucked at you.

A mismatch of libido is very common at this stage of life and deciding what to do about it is a challenge. Women have passed their child-bearing years and a high libido has no survival function, whereas men in the wild are able to rampage about fathering children till they drop.

Is your OH able to deal with intimacy at a cuddling level without wanting to get your knickers off? If not then this throws another major loss into your lives - not being able to give him a hug without him expecting it to lead to sex. So .... two losses.

Under no circumstances should you ever have sex that you do not want - that is wholly wrong in principle, so the old solution of "lie back and think of England" is not an acceptable option.

Please take comfort from the fact that this is a very common dilemma for couples at this age. I use the word dilemma deliberately, because it feels unacceptable to turn something that is natural into a problem. Drops in hormone levels are absolutely normal - what is not natural is the fact that we all live longer now so we hit this problem that would previously have been solved by shuffling off this mortal coil. As someone once said about periods: we would not normally have these as women would have been pregnant, breast-feeding or dead!

I really do not think that in a loyal partnership sanctioned infidelity is the way to go - it would undermine your relationship. But, whilst you should not be doing anything sexually that you do not wish to do, your OH does need to know that you do understand and that you do care; but he also needs to know that you cannot do something that you are not enjoying and most normal men would not be able to take pleasure in this either.

You need to find a level of intimacy that is tolerable/acceptable/pleasurable to both of you so that you can maintain a closeness in your relationship without you feeling obliged to do anything that you are not happy about.

You have shared memories, shared history and lots to keep you together and contented in your later years and this does not need to destroy that. You both need to look in detail at what your relationship DOES give you both, rather than allowing this one area of your relationship to loom large in your future together and to become a huge negative. .

Swallowing hormones or bunging on creams are not always the answer, as they are genital-focussed when what is needed is a relationship focus - finding ways of creating a new relationship in response to changed circumstances - just as you probably did when children arrived.

I saw this in my professional life and it can be resolved with goodwill on both sides. It is a situation that can foster resentments: "she is withholding sex to be a pain in the arse"; or "if he really cared about me he would stop grabbing at me all the time." It has to be resolved at a relationship level before those resentments build up.

Hope some of this is helpful!

Above all else you must not feel that you are lacking, unsatisfactory, to be blamed, disappointed in yourself etc. - nowt wrong with that needs fixing! It is just a matter of finding a balance between you.

Excellent posts Luckygirl

Why on earth would you risk loosing what sounds like a wonderful man by suggesting he seeks fulfillment elsewhere. Good heavens. Have you tried reading or watching porn to perhaps stimulate yourself and get into the mood. Watch it together. Try online or go to a shop that sells erotica creams etc that might help. Plan a trip to a sex therapist even if it is further afield. Try anything but don't send your husband out to look for comfort elsewhere.

What a brilliant post Luckygirl

I know that women do find him attractive and compared to most men of his age he would be quite a catch.

There's your answer, OP.
Are you prepared to lose him to someone else because you are reluctant to seek help?

Excellent post Luckygirl.

Your DH wants a loving relationship with you, Lemon, not just physical sex with someone else.
I agree that a sex therapist could help you.

Good points, Luckygirl

However, they are both 60, not 90 and sex is not just about procreation.

However, they are both 60, not 90 and sex is not just about procreation. ...... but desire is hormonally associated with the biological imperative to reproduce. When that imperative has passed in women, then desire can wane under the influence of hormones - or lack of them - not because the person thinks that sex is just about procreation.

Sex is indeed not just about procreation, but if hormones cause it to no longer be desired or pleasurable, then the concept of it being about mutual pleasure goes down the pan.

Great post Luckygirl
I’m always surprised at the idea men have to have sex and it’s their wife’s duty to provide this no matter she no longer has any desire, or she may desire but have excruciating pain if penetration occurs. Like most loving couples, they’ve tried alternatives, didn’t enjoy it.
It’s possible to move into a sex free stage of life and remain emotionally intimate

I have this Problem also im 53 and have only been married for 3 years I just can't force myself to want something that I dont. Hopefully I might find some advice somewhere

Good for you Miss Lemons. 60 is not old women should not be consigned to the scrap heap.

Can you see a different GP. I do think it's a good idea to rule out any medical/physical problems first. Just to be on the safe side.

Good luck, I hope you get the help you need.

Ok seeing how we have two posters experiencing similar issues here goes.

If you are offended by discussions about sex then please don't read any further.

Once you have ruled out any medical issues then I have read that the best place to start is to rediscover your own body, what gives you pleasure. And yes I do mean auto erotica. Just you, without a partner.

Masturbate every day for 7 days, whether you feel in the mood or not. Yes you read that right. You will learn what gives you pleasure, you will increase the blood flow to your vagina, you will retrain the muscles in your vagina which may not have been used for a while. You might need some lubricant.

The purpose of this is to retrain vagina to feel pleasure. You might have not have orgasms yet but stick with it. It will happen.

Then from there you can perhaps either experiment with toys or try experiencing pleasure with your husband. Don't rush to have penetrative sex until you feel ready. You can give each other pleasure in many ways. If you are uncertain buy a good sex manual.

Give your self time, it's a marathon not a sprint.

Sorry if I've shocked anyone,

Thank you Ms Derbyshire for being candid and making good suggestions, and for everyone else for their considered responses, (apart from the "school holiday" idiots)

Luckygirl whereas men in the wild are able to rampage about fathering children till they drop.

This! Thank you for making me laugh out loud. In a good way and so true

I can believe your post is genuine and I find it rather sad that this is something that women of our age fear to discuss or tackle. I suspect many a good marriage goes down the pan because of the imbalance between libidos.
I find myself in much the same predicament. I do use HRT and topical HRT (which you may be able to use even if you can't use normal HRT) and sometimes Replens. However, with diabetes and every medication I take suppressing libido, I don't stand a chance!
I find that it is a vicious cycle. We go months without intimacy, affection is curtailed because DH hope for more and then when I feel I must make more effort, it is not terribly long lasting because of the pressure that has built up for DH! Lubrication is a must but it isn't the be all and end all. Gentle foreplay until you are really ready is important to relax the vagina and make it comfortable. Sometimes it has been so painful that now my husband has a problem because he doesn't want to hurt me. With his impotence and my lack of libido, we have come to a halt. Viagra hasn't helped him but I understand that it might help women so that may be worth a try.
For my part, I'd happily go without, he doesn't feel the same way but no longer pushes for sex as he worries about what will go wrong. My libido is further decreased by worrying it will go wrong for him. What a complete fiasco we have managed to find ourselves in! Maybe I should have a word with the GP and see if Viagra is the answer. I'm not embarrassed in discussing this (I don't have much of a filter!) but if you do, try e-consult and ask for it to be discussed by text or email.
I would never advise anybody to give their partner a free pass...that way lies heartbreak.

The trouble with having sex with a man is solo orgasms may be much more fun. Most men can't wait to penetrate. Then they lack imagination.

Icanhandthemback - thanks for your post. I suspect many of us could have written it

Hopefully the frank discussion which happens on GN can move us forward, Iam64. There is an interesting post which is discussing the Vulva, incontinence etc which might be worth reading if you haven't already.
www.gransnet.com/forums/chat/1313502-Viva-your-Vulva-in-Edinburgh?msgid=29531043

There is also a very good video to watch which is mentioned there. It was the first part of the video where she talked about incontinence which was relevant to ladies of a certain age although I found the parts about Transwoman interesting from a scientific point of view.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9ZNINhdhN0

I've realised how much incontinence makes me more anxious about sex.

If you've lost interest I dont see the point of watching porn or using creams. If it's gone it's gone.Once he understands this you can relax and your husband can decide how he will cope.
My friend did this and he found a married woman whose husband had lost interest so there was never any threat to the marriage and what the partners didn't know didn't hurt them.

Kircubbin, it's not a good idea to be content for husband to have sex with another woman unless perhaps she's a professional and disinterested.

When a man goes to bed with a woman who is attractive, after the sex he is in a sleepy stupor and she then she tempts him to think it's all so romantic and change partners permanently. Men are very susceptible to pillow talk.

MissLemon just to wish you well. I had the same problem as you some years ago. I think it lasted for about 5 years and DHwas very understanding. Then my libido came back. Don’t know if it was to do with hormones sort of regulating but I have been fine ever since.
And please don’t be put off by people rubbishing your post, saying it is all made up.
I posted on here for advice about an acquaintance who had shown me an explicit video. Most replies were the ‘hands thrown up in horror’ sort, or the ‘this is ‘made up’.I was quite upset as I felt my integrity had been brought into question.
But one or two gave good advice and I thank them for that.
So good luck. I hope all works out for you.

If you've lost interest I dont see the point of watching porn or using creams. If it's gone it's gone.

How do you know unless you try? That's a bit like saying I won't take antibiotics because they might cure me!

I love my husband very much. For him I often do things I don’t really feel like doing such as going on certain outings, watching certain programmes on tv, cooking meals and , yes, having sex. He loves me too and does things he doesn’t feel like doing for me as well. It works for us.