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Long Distance Love.

(32 Posts)
beautybumble Mon 01-Aug-22 19:25:54

He and I have been friends for years, but this last couple of years we've been getting closer. Well, I mean the way we talk to each other. He lives 240 miles from me and I love him so much. We talk on the phone for hours most nights and he says lovely things to me all the time. We're both 72, he still works very long hours. He would not like to retire because he would feel its just not him. I get it and that's fine of course. He can take time off whenever he likes so he's not tied. For many months we've been talking about getting together and how lovely it will be. On the very rare occasions that we have met up, I get so excited and its so amazing. I'm like a teenager going on a date. We finally arranged to meet at mine a week ago and I couldn't wait. BUT, a couple of days before he called and said that his friend needed him to do some work for him, which would take 3 weeks 12 hours a day. I know that he could easily have said that he'd made arrangements and that he would do the work afterwards. It wasn't urgent. But instead he agreed and then called to tell me. I was so upset because I was so excited that he was coming at last. He's a good man. He would do anything for anyone. I just don't know what to think. I couldn't bear to lose him, but it hurts so much that we can't be together. He says he wants to be with me. I'm too old to be worrying about this stuff, but my marriage was so horrendous, I didn't want to meet anyone else, for my own safety. So after 25 years of being alone and now this, I am finding it hard to cope with. All the missing him and longing to be with him. I could eventually go to his and stay for a while, but would I be in the way when he has to work so much? If I sound a bit confused, its because my emotions are running high at the moment.

Grandmabatty Mon 01-Aug-22 19:54:55

I would be very careful. It sounds like you have never met in real life, so how can you say you love him? You don't know him. If he isn't in a hurry to meet you and has actually cancelled a meeting, then he doesn't feel the same. Put this man to the side of your life and get out and meet others. My gut instinct for you is he will never be the man you think and hope he is.

Shinamae Mon 01-Aug-22 20:00:47

Grandmabatty

I would be very careful. It sounds like you have never met in real life, so how can you say you love him? You don't know him. If he isn't in a hurry to meet you and has actually cancelled a meeting, then he doesn't feel the same. Put this man to the side of your life and get out and meet others. My gut instinct for you is he will never be the man you think and hope he is.

Beauty bumble says they have met up rare occasions. having been on my own for over 30 years I can offer no opinion I’m afraid..

beautybumble Mon 01-Aug-22 20:18:48

Grandmabatty. We have been very good friends since we were teenagers. I should have said that its the last couple of years that we haven't met up much. We know each other very well, but for certain reasons, we couldn't meet up as often as we would have liked lately. Read again and you will see, he is a good man. I happen to know that for a fact.

Grandmabatty Mon 01-Aug-22 20:58:29

Ok. I misread your op. I still think you have more invested in this friendship than he does if he can cancel a long awaited meeting.

Galaxy Mon 01-Aug-22 21:11:46

You sound like you are trying to convince yourself of that OP. Sorry.

geekesse Mon 01-Aug-22 21:16:07

“he says lovely things to me all the time”… “I get so excited and its so amazing.”… “I was so upset because I was so excited”… “I couldn't bear to lose him, but it hurts so much that we can't be together.”… “missing him and longing to be with him”…

This all reads like the Cathy and Claire page from Jackie.

If it’s genuine, the OP needs to get a grip on reality. A 72 year-old man is not love’s young dream - he has his own life and priorities, some of which obviously come before the OP’s fantasy happy-ever-after.

Millie22 Mon 01-Aug-22 21:51:10

beautybumble
Are you really 72?

Casdon Mon 01-Aug-22 21:52:09

I don’t understand what the issue is really, why don’t you go and stay with him? That’s the only way you’re going to find out if you’re compatible, as he obviously has a busy life and won’t be moving, and you haven’t mentioned that you have any ties.

BlueBelle Mon 01-Aug-22 22:24:03

In my opinion long distance relationships don’t often work
He’s not dropping everything to run to you is he ? You say we have not met as often as we would like but that should really read ‘as much as I would like’ ! As he’s just had the opportunity and turned it down
Are you sure this is the same for both of you I do hope it is for your sake but you sound like a teenager and he sounds like an old man set in his ways
At 72 he could retire and put all his energy in exciting things for the two of you to do together but he wants to keep working so where does that leave you ? Either staying 240 miles away waiting for the phone to ring each evening or sitting in his house whilst he goes to work Not a great prospect either way
What a shame when you think you ve found someone after all these years I do wish you well beauty

Caleo Mon 01-Aug-22 22:28:59

Don't let your imagination run away with you.

Shelflife Tue 02-Aug-22 00:54:26

Be very careful!

Hithere Tue 02-Aug-22 03:55:25

So he is stringing you along...

If he truly wanted to be with you, he would

He doesnt

You love the idea of him in your head, not the real him

Move on, I would not call this a relationship
It is flirting and daydreaming

BlueBelle Tue 02-Aug-22 06:12:42

Reading through your original post again
Do you really believe a man of 72 is going to spend 3 weeks working 12 hours a day He would be wonder man to do that I think he is giving you a good story and you are believing every word He is putting off coming to see you
Be very very careful you are on the verge of getting badly hurt I m afraid beauty

but it hurts so much that we can't be together you can be together but he’s choosing not to be,

This is such a shame for you you have invested your all please please take care

Hiraeth Tue 02-Aug-22 06:47:50

Very wise answers from ladies with life long experiences . Sometimes the truth hurts.

Esspee Tue 02-Aug-22 07:30:17

I entered into a long distance relationship once (11,000+ miles) and we managed to be together far more than you seem to be able to.

Simply, he’s just not that into you.

I suggest you scale down your telephone calls and find other things to occupy your time. He needs your adoration but it is enough for him while you desperately want more.

I would tell him that he clearly has priorities way more important than you so you feel you are wasting both your time on these long chats. Tell him you’d love to stay friends so perhaps a monthly call would be more appropriate. Stay firm and if he is serious he will come to you.

PollyDolly Tue 02-Aug-22 07:43:32

Some very wise words on this thread. You say that you are 72 years old beautybumble......perhaps your body is but you heart is that of a love sick teenager. If this man truly wanted to be with you then he would be. He is stringing you along and unfortunately you are nothing more than a 'friend with benefits'

Esspee Tue 02-Aug-22 07:54:00

PollyDolly. Where does the OP suggest that sex has been involved? You are aware that is what FWB means?

StarDreamer Tue 02-Aug-22 09:05:32

Perhaps he needs to work to get money to live on.

Not everybody had a well-paid job with a good second pension, or any second pension at all.

PollyDolly Tue 02-Aug-22 09:11:07

Esspee

*PollyDolly*. Where does the OP suggest that sex has been involved? You are aware that is what FWB means?

I wasn't implying that they were having physical sex.......and actually providing a nice meal is a benefit, having a cuddle is a benefit, having someone do your laundry is a benefit - but he has been visiting for some reason, it is just sad that he won't commit.

henetha Tue 02-Aug-22 10:30:09

All my instincts are telling me that you need to be cautious.
"He can take time off whenever he likes". So why doesn't he then? I wouldn't trust him an inch. But that's me, I am cynical. I hope I'm wrong and you find lasting happiness.

Esspee Tue 02-Aug-22 10:39:02

PollyDolly My mum used to think that oral sex was another name for sex chat lines and my brother used to send messages signing off LOL which he thought meant lots of love. Friends with benefits refers to people you have intercourse with without any commitment. I just want to save you embarrassment if you are using the term incorrectly.

PollyDolly Tue 02-Aug-22 10:47:20

Esspee, I am quite aware of what the term means..........but it is certainly not confined to physical sex, of any kind. Your condemnation and criticism of me personally is not helping the OP at all.

Maybe the OP does have a physical relationship with her man friend, that's her business and she has no need to share that on here. She asked for comments, opinions and constructive help and I gave my comments - end of!!!

Zonne Tue 02-Aug-22 10:51:24

I’ve had an LDR that worked - we’ve been married a long time - when at times we were as much as 8,000 miles apart, and never less than 900, and, like Esspee, we saw each other more than you seem to despite both of us having jobs.

Given what you say about this man being able to take time off whenever he wants, and that the distance in your case is relatively small, I think you have to recognise that you are not a priority in his life, nor ever likely to be. Don’t waste your time and energy on him, put it into your developing your own local social life and friendships. .

Mattsmum2 Tue 02-Aug-22 13:34:19

I live 145 miles away from my partner. We try to spend as much time as we can together, I work he doesn’t. He lives near the sea so it’s lovely to visit my ‘holiday home’ and he spends time with me, we share care of our dog. Yes it can work but both need to fully commit to it. Looks like you both need to be honest with each other about what you both want.