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At a cross roads in relationship

(56 Posts)
Mattsmum2 Fri 23-Sep-22 17:59:45

I’m at a place where I don’t know where to turn. Ive been in a relationship with a man for 8 years. Before that I’ve been married 3 times. First one for 20years, 2 children. 2nd only 6 months and the last one 3 years. Every man I’ve had a long term relationship with has cheated on me. Only regretting their actions years later. I’ve been told I’m easy going, very giving and friendly. My current partner I know would be totally faithful to me and I’ve no reason to think otherwise.
We met on a dating site and hit it off straight away, emotionally and physically. He has no children. We’ve tried living together the most recent in 2019 when we renovated a house together (he owns the house and charged me rent!) over 200 miles from my family by the sea. I loved it but when covid hit my son was forced to come and stay with us through no fault of his own. This is when the problems started, my sons not the most tidy person, but he’s polite and would do anything I asked to help. One day my son did some cooking and my partner thought he had left a mess in the kitchen, in fact it was me, he went ballistic, accused my son of treating the house like a hotel and made it clear he didn’t want us around. My son was so frightened he called the police, which inflamed things more. We left the same day and I moved my son to his grandparents house. I went back a few days later. He was full of remorse and to cut a long story I decided that I couldn’t live with him, rented somewhere closer to my family and carried on seeing him, visits for weekends, family occasions and such like. There’s been a few instances where he throws back the past few years back in my face, in that the dream we were to have has gone sour, but I thought we were happy. He’s been unwell over the past few weeks with a chest infection, I’ve seen him a few times, me going to him and he to me. I now live with my son and daughter in law. They’re on holiday and my partner has not been very communicative over the past week or so. We normally speak daily but it’s not been like that, he says he’s tired, been gardening, walking our dog. I always ask how he is, recently he hasn’t asked how I am and even ignored messages. He doesn’t work. I work full time. I messaged yesterday to say I was lonely, he said ‘why?’ I said can we talk when I get home, he said yes call him when I get home. I’m thinking he wants to find out why I felt lonely. Well the call started off well. Then he accused me of being selfish, putting my family ahead of him, ruining our plans, that I had everything, he has nothing, threw everything from our past plans back at me. Told me I’d ruined his day after he was feeling better and told me I pissed him off. and he hung up. I really am not a selfish person. I’m a giver and make things special for him, buying him lovely gifts, taking him to events, sending him random cards and gifts and surprises. He never does that to me but I’ve got used to giving him a list and I get what I want.
I really don’t think unless he can put the past behind him that we will have a future. I don’t think he will ever accept the person I am and how to have a good relationship.
I really have shed too many tears over this and I’m tired, is it time for a break?
I had already planned to visit next Thursday for the weekend and I messaged to say I wanted to talk then and if he wants to talk before then message me. We used to speak every day, but that now seems impossible for him.
I have for sometime thought he has a personality disorder or autism. He’s very OCD at times.

Very confused, sorry for the long post ??‍♀️

HeavenLeigh Sat 24-Sep-22 16:34:13

While I wouldn’t be unkind as to say I’m wondering why all your partners cheat on you, I will say that abusers bullies always pick on the vunerable, loving to dominate etc, you are worth so much more than this op, and I wouldn’t be leaving my dog with him

icanhandthemback Sat 24-Sep-22 16:56:35

It is worth reading a book called, "Women who love too much." It can be an eye opener to a person who is usually giving too much and misreading the signals that the person they are giving too is not worthy of their kindness.

Startingover61 Mon 26-Sep-22 14:21:55

You deserve far more than this selfish, manipulative, abusive guy is prepared to give. You don’t have to live like this. He doesn’t own you. I suggest you end this relationship. Ask yourself what you’re getting out of it.

luluaugust Mon 26-Sep-22 14:53:19

I wold definitely get a male relative to go with you and collect the dog, or better still could you suggest you have Covid and send the male along. You could then have any necessary conversation on the phone. I do wish you all the best you really don't need to put up with his behaviour.

oodles Mon 26-Sep-22 20:00:37

There are more red flags than you'd see in a Communist party rally
It doesn't sound like this man has any redeeming virtues, but even if you can think of one, look at what you've written, honestly, get your dog somehow, and cut him off completely
Maybe take the dog for a walk, get into a relative's car round the corner and just go. Leave a suitcase with some old clothes in it so he doesn't suspect until you just don't come back.
Abusers commonly try and separate you from your family and friends
The only common denominator with the men who have cheated on you is that they have no morals, they knew you wouldn't suspect an
When you get your dog back and have blocked him make sure that if he tries to contact you any other ways you ask for police help to stop him harrassing you
When you're settled with your dog do consider doing the freedom programme, it can be very helpful to learn all the subtle red flags to help you recognise them if you meet someone else
And read Chumplady's website, lots of people who've been cheated on, everyone's story of what the cheater did is oh so similar, the only common denominator is the entitled behaviour of the cheater