girlfriend and drinking

Find another girlfriend who doesn't drink.

Your current girlfriend is not going to change and could decide to leave you because you do not drink or approve of her drinking.

I know that- I am looking at what is appropriate compromise. She is not leaving and I am not either.

It depends what you mean by "from time to time". If she goes for months without drinking, then enjoy that time together. Let her know that you can't be around her when she over indulges (for whatever reason e.g. she changes, or it pushes your buttons) and that if she's going to drink to excess, she's on her own for that occasion. Perhaps she'll get the message that adults take responsibility for themselves...

If she has a drinking problem, that's a different conversation.

i would say once a month- the issue is more that- she has a hard time stopping after 1 or 2. Her answer to me is always- "I don't do it that much- any can't you accept me during this time". She looks at it like- I am not accepting her (all of her). I choose not to drink cause frankly I have no desire to put myself into this state. I told her I just don't like how she changes when she does. She looks at it like i don't accept all of her good characteristics and bad..... thoughts?

Why Ru on Gransnet?

Well you can’t change someone unless they want to change and she doesn’t…. she doesn’t see a problem with it
Once a month is not that big a problem is it ? Perhaps that is the compromise she only does it once a month

what does this mean?

Bea65--??

Why shouldn’t he or she be on GN Bea65

Anyone can use gransnet.
Age, sex, children or none.

Compromises between two people need to be negotiated face to face between the two people with both fully committed to the agreed solution.

No one can possibly know what would be acceptable to the two participants except themselves.

It may not be acceptable to your girlfriend to have her enjoyment of a drink curtailed at all.

What is the main issue when she has been drinking?

But only once a month MissA

Well, without knowing if it causes problems and what kind, it's difficult to say what is reasonable.

If someone thought that once a month was reasonable to drink and be unpleasant, then, well... nope.

On the other hand, if they just got silly, then fell asleep, it would be ok I suppose.

Main issue to me is that she cannot stop at 1 or 2. I've asked her as a compromise to limit- When she reaches that point of more than that- she starts to act differently. Sometimes stumbling etc and to me just acting immature- I admit -I just don't like it- I cannot tell if it's me and I am just being selfish- or there is another issue here. I just miss the person she is when she starts- She looks at it like- "I do it to relax" it's part of who i am... etc..

It's hard for me to judge, since I really dislike alcohol, so I would probably feel the same.

She does have a point, I suppose?

I don't know what to suggest as I understand why you feel uncomfortable as it sounds like you are tee total but also I wouldn't have an issue with my partner drinking and I suppose if i did, it would be a deal breaker. Like I don't like men who watch porn (I am plucking an example out of the sky) so if I met a man who wanted to watch porn in my presence even once a month I think I'd just chuck him I wouldn't be bothered what he did in his own spare time

I don't know if this is in any way helpful

I suggest you join Al Anon for informed advice and support

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire is there for anyone whose life is or has been affected by someone else's drinking .

Find out more information about Al-Anon Family Groups and the support available
www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

If it’s literally about once a month and not a daily problem I think you really are being a bit unreasonable what’s wrong with getting silly in your own home once a month
Obviously if she was doing it every night or even every weekend I d say you had a problem
You miss the person she is for a few hours once a month….so….
And that’s from me who s not much of a drinker ?

Thanks Jane- it's not a bad example- I have always used the example to her that what if I smoked? (she hates that)- if I smoked once a month to "relax" knowing you don't like it- how would you feel? I guess I look at it like- She is making a choice to do something I don't like- so that part hurts- but I also have to look at it like- I should be OK with her doing something she likes since it's not that often.

Well, a partner still has to be their own person.

That isn't deliberately to hurt you, but so that she isn't manipulated into pretending to be someone she isn't.

If it's once a month and you're not happy in her company at that time, why don't you go out and do something that you do enjoy, leave her to it?
Go to the cinema, go and visit a friend or relative?
Better for both of you than sitting there with disapproval written all over your face!

I think it's a bit of a slippery slope to decide that it someone should do as they're asked for no other reason than it "hurts" you.

Are you perfect or do you do anything she doesn’t like sometimes
Life together is a compromise you let her have her once a month silly giggly night and she lets you ………… I don’t know whatever
But if it bothers you that much then break up and go your own way as it will bother you more and more as time goes on