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My daughter blames me.

(34 Posts)
sammy15 Sun 06-Nov-22 11:24:53

My 31 year old daughter is about to become homeless with her husband and pets.
The landlord has decided to sell up which I don’t believe is the case because my daughter and her husband brought a puppy but didn’t inform the landlord and he saw them walk the puppy and within 3 days they are giving a section 21.

My daughter then makes the decision that she is going to move back home into my house with husband , 2 cats 1 Labrador and fish.

I do not have a spare bedroom but my loft has been DIY into a room with a sky light but that was used many years ago 10+ as a space where my then teenager kids could go to have quiet time or do course work etc as I have 4 kids so they shared bed rooms 2 in each.
It is not officially a bedroom so definitely can’t be used as one as to access it you go up a ladder.

My daughter wanted to use this space as a bedroom for her and her husband and stay for a maximum 1 year while they saved up money/ paid of their debts etc.

I told her that they couldn’t move in that I definitely didn’t have the room and that I didn’t want 2 cats and a puppy in the house.

I and my husband are both classed as disabled ( no we don’t claim Benefits due to my husbands Armed forces pension) so even if we had the room if she stayed it would never be due to losing out on benefits.

Anyway she then went mad at me became verbally aggressive via video call and then text that I was a evil woman for leaving her to live on the streets and that she was going to commit suicide and on and on it went she said I never ever helped her when in fact I have done the opposite I am actually now left with no spare money as the little bit I had saved up over a few years she has slowly taken from me saying she had no money could she borrow some to buy food etc and always said will pay me back it was just over £400 but that was all I had and it had taken me a long time to have saved that up and she has taken all that and now I will never get it back.
I never want to see any of my kid’s struggle and if myself and their dad can help them we always have done as we struggled a lot when we were younger.

But the worst part of this is that I have grown up and since I was 13 years old have know my dad wasn’t my real dad anyway beginning of this year i did DNA test found my dad had sadly passed away but i had 4 half siblings who had always known about me because my dad never ever forgot me.
Anyway I have got to know them especially one sister very very much and we chat every day.
well my daughter contacted the sister and the brother who I don’t chat to as much but still is happy to have me as his sister and said how evil and nasty i am and not to believe anything I say etc and it has broken me , How can she go to such low levels and do this to me after I have tried to find my dad for 40+ years , The sister I speak to every day says she doesn’t want to be involved and I have agreed with her that my daughter should not be dragging in my newly found family who are on the other side of the family into something she has caused her self it is upsetting as well as embarrassing and because I am still getting to know them they could actually decide i am not someone they want it their lives.

I have refused to speak to her at the moment but she had removed all forms of communication anyway.

what else was I meant to do I just don’t have the room of course I don’t want to see her homeless and I did keep telling her to check with the landlord before she got the puppy.
I am just devastated with it all.
Just want to know what other people would do if it was them.

sammy15 Mon 07-Nov-22 15:24:48

Thank you for all your replies it certainly does give me the extra strength to not go back on my word.
As one person said she has probably done this before and they are correct.
She would move out when she had met a new guy and when it broke down she would come running back home this happened more then once.
She has always had a nasty selfish side to her.

Growing up my mother cared more for my brother then she did for me I believe she felt this way because she hated my birthfather who left my mother when I was 9 months old and she then married my stepdad who officially adopted me I was 7 years old after they had a son.
My father could not be found at the time of adoption ( but that is another story) my grandmother and auntie on my mother’s side said to me they could always see she ( my mother) treated me differently to my half brother so I vowed never ever to be like that with my own children and my daughter hasn’t known this as i have always mentioned it.
So i feel she had used my upbringing and hurt i suffered and the vow i made and used it against me.
I have not spoken to my mother nearly two years now but guess who is the only one who does yes my daughter.
I know she has said thinks about me behind my back.
My mother cut my other 3 children out of her life because they didn’t see her often but they have busy lives and my mother never ever made any effort with them , she only meet her great granddaughter 3/4 times in 6 years and she lives 10 mins away from her.

So yea I am going to be strong I am prepared for times when I will miss her and think i should make a effort but no definitely not she has gone to far this time.

M0nica Mon 07-Nov-22 21:19:08

Well done, sammy15, hard times ahead, but you will come through. Will your other children be able to support you emotionally on this journey? It could be that they will be happy to see you finally prepared to put your foot down with your errant daughter.

Grammaretto Mon 07-Nov-22 22:21:07

I hope that you keep your resolve Sammy it sounds like your DD is trying too hard to get her own way this time . Everyone, even her own mother, has their limits
I can't imagine anything much worse than sharing with an ungrateful bitch adultchild her DH, 2 cats and a large dog and a fish.
Maybe you could offer to keep the animals at least they wouldn't be unkind
How mean of her to try to spoil your relationship with your newly found family.
Does she have a personality disorder?

As others have said, it may not be too late to go to her landlord, apologise, send the animals away and retain the lease. She could try.

sammy15 Mon 07-Nov-22 22:26:24

Oh yes my other children are 100% in support of me and will support me.
The two eldest she won’t contact because they would put her in her place , youngest will talk to her a but still a bit cautious.
She actually said to him today has mum stopped throwing a wobbly now and calmed down. They think they have found a place but apparently it won’t accept cats but will accept the dog. Yea weird how they accept one but not the other, so she is wanting me now to unblock her and so she can chat to me, we know what its going to be about and that is us having her cats which I am not doing.
I am not unblocking her either.

welbeck Mon 07-Nov-22 22:37:59

she can take them to a shelter for re-homing.
it's not your problem anyway. don't get involved.

icanhandthemback Mon 07-Nov-22 22:48:05

I hope you can manage to stay firm about your daughter staying with you. To give in now would ensure that every time she wanted something which you didn't want to give would just make her act unkindly to get it.
Whilst you can't give your daughter a home, you can signpost her in the right direction. Shelter and the Citizens Advice can give advice and the local Housing Authority can help her find a property to rent. The Landlord could only give her a s21 notice at certain points with her lease so it might well be that the puppy is a red herring!
As to your newly found family, just concentrate on building a relationship with them and avoid discussing your daughter's woes. I found that trying to build relationships with long lost family plus trying to keep my relationship with my daughter together, took quite an emotional toll and I would encourage to you to find someone to talk through your feelings with. All sorts of things came up for me like resentment that I had lost a lifetime of memories with my half brother and sister which I found so hard. It just helped talked with somebody who wasn't emotionally involved.

LittleDot Thu 10-Nov-22 11:00:08

I always think of it this way: I have a son who is a little similar. Every time we save them from their actions, we cut off their opportunity to become adults.

There is a bit more to this, though, if you consider she actually phoned people to slander you. I'd get professional help. She sounds somewhat dangerous, and I'd personally never invite her to stay in my home, not even for one night.

Shelflife Sat 19-Nov-22 09:30:25

Goodness me! What makes her think it is reasonable to land herself on you with two cats and a puppy!!! ???? Just say NO, to get a dog when the tenancy agreement says no , is indicative of her sense of entitlement!!