Staying with daughter really confused

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My daughter currently has a broken shoulder and I know the agony she has been in. She’s three month in and is starting see signs of healing and getting more movement. I’ve had 4 shoulder dislocations- not quite as bad as a break but virtually immobilised me with the pain, so you have my sympathy

I bet the stress and worry of being at your daughter and SILs house isn’t helping your shoulder to heal nor is the worrying that you and your dogs aren’t wanted there.

Is there any way at all you could go back home and get support from friends or relatives or pay for dog walkers some support from carers. Your GP practice may have some temporary provision available. It’s a long time ago but I remember my mum who was a home help going to a person who’d badly broken her arm. Even the local church (if you’re involved with them) maybe able to help you. Perhaps today discuss options with your daughter and son while they’re visiting.

I really hope you can find a way through this
You have my sympathies the shoulder break is an awful thing to have happened to you and then to get such stress and lack of support from your daughter and SIL

I simply wouldn't put up with it - or stay where I didn't feel welcome. I'd be out of there and back home, with support arranged through the GP.

In the UK under the care act 2014 you are entitled to a Needs assessment from Adult Social Care, if the relationship with your daughter is breaking down immediately this can be done as an emergency even on BHs. You may have to accept a temporary residential placement until homecare is sorted out, but IMHO that would be better than staying with your daughter. The dogs would be likely to have to go into kennels with either RSPCA or local authority but you can get them back when your care needs are sorted out. I'm so sorry that you are suffering in this way xx

I still think her "rudeness" has an element of tough-love.
She wants you better, mobile and back to normal.
Only YOU can do thst.

Get some physio instructions ASAP.
There are plenty even online.
Don't just wait!
Most shoulder fractures heal in about six weeks. You are already week 4!

I haven't read the whole thread as I'm working off my phone but am sending sympathy and hope your shoulder is recovering well. A shoulder injury or surgery is very disabling, painful and frustrating, I wore a sling for 6 weeks fo keep mine stable after an injury. Even getting dressed, going to the loo etc was difficult.
It sounds as if your SIL doesn't realise you have contributed to expenses.

Physio can be very helpful but not until your shoulder is fully mended.



Best wishes, get well soon.

I wonder if the care plan was properly discussed - what was needed, amount of time to stay at your daughter's, etc

Honestly, you are all 'doing your best but struggling'. If they haven't had much pain it is hard to imagine the toll it takes - and how tired it makes you. You are not far from home. Can you talk to your doctor or local AgeUK about help/support? At the moment it is ALL down to DD and SIL. It will not be long before you can be at home (they could drive you if you get them covered on your car). Then - shopping - online, or they do it or another friend or neighbour, or phone and local delivery. And they visit to help with practicalities you need them for and dog walking - which will diminish with time. They may be finding it a strain never having their home to themselves regardless of how lovely you are - I know I am tense all the time with house guests. 3 days and I'm a wreck. I find it helps to remember a little plaque I saw saying 'Lord nothing will happen today that together we cannot cope with'. So far it's always been true!

Couple of links might have useful info:-
www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/
www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/care-after-a-hospital-stay/care-after-illness-or-hospital-discharge-reablement/

I’m so sorry that you are having to put up with snide remarks , if it was me I’d do everything I could to go back home, it sounds as though neither of them have the patience to look after you, no excuse for rudeness ever! I hope you get well soon and get back home as soon as possible

Could you talk to them as a couple and say you want to go home as soon as possible as you feel in the way. Ask for their help in doing this, maybe moving your bed downstairs and finding a dog walker for your dogs. You could shop on line, ask for help with temporary home care and let them both know how awful you have felt with their attitude. Good luck and please come to us all for more support when needed

Barneyoldbat has the right idea. Don't run away without discussing it with both of them. After all they have hosted you for 3 weeks.
Seeing as a care home costs £1500 per week on average, they are doing you a big favour
Guests are like fish, as the saying goes, after 3 days they begin to stink.

I realise you are still in pain but even so, someone other than family looking after you would be far less fraught.

I'd invite you to stay with me if it wasn't for the dogs!

I’m assuming there’s very little you can do for yourself with your extremely painful shoulder. Do you have it in a brace and does it mean that your DD is having to help you with everything, help you to dress and undress, wash etc., I too fell in the woods whilst walking my dog but it happened four years ago and in May I had an operating on a torn rotator cuff. It had to be postponed the first time because of Covit. I know how debilitating these injuries can be. Are you in need of a lot of care from DD and that this might be irritating her as she is not used to caring for someone else.
You do have to start exercising as the longer you leave it the more difficult it will be. I use rubber bands and had a wonderful physio on the NHS after I had my operation. I paid to see a physio at the beginning because it can take several weeks to get an appointment with an NHS physio and was able to do some simple exercises before I had my operation. You do need to be shown how to do them properly.
You need to bear in mind that you will need someone to look after your dogs after your op and that person should be your DD as she knows the dogs very well and they are used to her walking them. You won’t be able to look after them yourself until you’ve recovered and it will be weeks or even months before you’re able to walk them yourself.
Your DD sounds very stressed but that doesn’t mean that she should be rude to you. I think the 3 of you should sit down and talk. I expect you’ve become a bit of an inconvenience for them.

Cinnamon Trust is a charity which helps older people by helping with looking after their pets.There are probably volunteers in your area willing to help with your dogs.I used to be a volunteer and was disappointed that there weren't enough dogs that needed walking!
Volunteers also help with other things eg Vet visits,looking after pets if their owners need to go into hospital etc. It is always good to know that help is available so pets can be looked after in a crisis or,like dog walking ,on a more regular basis x

When do you next see orthopaedics? This level of pain after four weeks might point to the fracture not knitting together properly: you need re examined and possibly x rayed.

it is not true to say they are saving OP £1500 a week by having her stay with them.
having had a disabling injury she would have been entitled to up to 6 weeks care support, paid for by nhs, either in a carehome or domiciliary.
unfortunately as she has been discharged from the hosp, that option in not now available.
it would have been better if her daughter had taken the dogs only, not OP.
but being as things are now, my advice is

OP needs to get out of there immediately.

Glorianny

It sounds awful grannygranby I wonder if starting to plan your escape would help you feel better. Do you have access to a computer if so why not research what is available in your home area in the way of help? Could you change things in your home to get you back there sooner? Are there volunteer dog walkers who might help care for your dogs? Can you do an on-line shop to be delivered.
Perhaps if your DD realises you are planning to leave she will become more concerned and realise it isn't for ever. I hope you recover quickly and are soon happier and more settled.

I agree with this.
It sounds like you are caught in your daughter’s inability to see her way through this. My neighbour is like this since coming under pressure with her sick husband… she seems to try to humiliate me especially when we are both with my husband.
The other day I had to call her out when she started saying I was lazy/ looked after by my husband. She and her husband have always used drama triangles when under pressure. She seems to think that she can do this with me. I have to be very strong to remove myself from this.

I find that i have to create some distance when she’s like this.

Can you order a small snack hamper to be delivered to you at her house? Can you involve her in planning your support at home when you can move on?

I do wish you luck

For what it’s worth grannygranby I think the way you have been treated and spoken to is appalling.
Don’t worry about loyalty to your daughter and the rather strange sounding son in law.
If you can’t bare it then reach out- both to friends and local health services and social services and find out everything that is on offer to support you in your awkward situation.
I’m astonished at some of the responses to this dilemma from
Some of the gransnetters… guests are like fish….children being
guests in their own home… what!! ? Bunkum poppycock and piffle.

ps. grannygranby once you are home and recovered you could perhaps send your son in law some nice ripe Brie.
After all they’ve done it’s only what they deserve 😉

Just a perspective on the reablement mentioned by hetty. It simply isn’t available in this area immediately after discharge. A friend was told ‘ just because you are entitled to it that doesn’t mean it’s available’. She was told a 14 week wait for assessment and made her own support arrangements.

Please don’t assume it’s the case in your area, equally please don’t assume it isn’t.

In your shoes grannygranby I’d do some quiet research and then try to discuss alternatives with my family. Could you involve your son in discussions? Ashcombe is right, being immobile will hamper your recovery. Please at least seek advice from a physio.

I’m sorry you’ve not felt well cared for by your family, a horrid time for sure.

Not everybody is ready to be a carer or to be taken care by family

Op,
Have you taken into consideration how much your daughter and sil are going through, how much their daily lives have been modified?
We are talking about a medium to long term situation here, it is not "count the hours and it is all over"

I understand you had an accident and it is nobody's fault - a little gratitude towards their kind gesture goes a long way
You may need their support once you go back home too

Care of by family

Huge sympathies. I'd be trying to get out asap. Also - if possible, and its scary -ask them if you can all sit down and have an open conversation about it - but that is not always possible with family.

the other thing is if social services at the hospital have said you should not be alone, you should attempt to contact them, but at they are aways busy and this is the worst time - but even if you can talk it through with someone and look at options it might help, and of course it IS in confidence away from family and friendship networks. If family is appearing to step up, hey will be concentrating on otter's with no family, but yours isnt stepping up!

welbeck

it is not true to say they are saving OP £1500 a week by having her stay with them.
having had a disabling injury she would have been entitled to up to 6 weeks care support, paid for by nhs, either in a carehome or domiciliary.
unfortunately as she has been discharged from the hosp, that option in not now available.
it would have been better if her daughter had taken the dogs only, not OP.
but being as things are now, my advice is

OP needs to get out of there immediately.

True! They always put pressure on family to take them in first and also I don't think pets are allowed to be in the property while the reablement team are going in.

I agree cornergran Care is supposed to be available but if family can step in, it's preferred.
My In-laws became helpless during lockdown. FiL died in hospital with covid. Their daily carers couldn't come any more so their DC took turns at living with their DM for 2 or 3 weeks at a time for 2 years.
Yesterday she moved in with her DS and her house will be sold in the Spring.

It's not the perfect outcome and it has taken its toll particularly on her DD who had to give up her job and miss out on her own family who live 200 miles away and she doesn't drive.

I hope you can work out a solution which you can all bear grannygranby. Sorry you feel humiliated by your DC

This is not to be borne, as Jane Austen would say. I would, at the first opportunity, be sure to let your SIL know what you have contributed, and I would be dripping with honey about it. I would also, in the privacy of my own room, do research about where else you might reasonably stay to finish recuperating, including friends (maybe a week at a time). I would not allow myself to be insulted. I would let her know when she has hurt your feelings, without harping on it. Just the mere fact of doing research in your room about where else you might go will give you something to do, make you feel like you're accomplishing something, take your mind off your current sore heart, and make you more prepared should you need to beat a hasty retreat. I have two daughters like this, jolly and kind one moment, couldn't be bothered when you really need them. I'll pray for you. It's such a sad and confusing emotion to be hurt by your own children. This is a lesson to us all that it doesn't take long for selfishness to settle in. The very best to you, and I hope you are out of there soon. If you have a home of your own or anything to pass on, I would quietly put it into your will that it's all left to your son. I wouldn't say a word to anyone. I'm a big believer in not rewarding people who are mean just because they're relatives.

Oh dear grannygranby, I’m just so shocked by your DD’ and SIL’s behaviour ☹️
Unfortunately I don’t have the close relationship I had hoped for with my DD, so I have wondered what it would be like in such a situation. DH is pretty useless so I’ve already got tentative plans for the next time I get admitted to hospital.
In your current situation I’m not sure that you’d get the home-based help you’d need if you went home. Could your DDogs go into kennels if you went home? Or is there a local dog walker?
Do you know of any local carers (we have several in our village who advertise on the local Facebook page and in the village magazine)?
Either way, I’m not sure it’s doing you any good whatsoever staying where you are…..
I do hope that things improve soon, 🤗💐