Staying with daughter really confused

So sorry to read about your difficulties. I can’t add to the kind and sensible advice other than to support the earlier suggestion you get in touch with the cinammon trust. It sounds as though your daughter is ok to walk then currently. When you go home you will probably need help walking the dogs. Dog walkers are expensive and depending on your council May walk up to seven at a time. Not ideal imo
Aldo yes, to the recommendation you get a social wotk assessment best of luck

cornergran, again, for future reference, of course they will try to send you off with family - as it solves their bed-blocking problems. Still, you can't be discharged without suitable arrangements having been made.

How many have relatives with spare space, downstairs bathrooms and somebody at home all day? Very few. Reablement can take place at home, in a care home or a different hospital (often smaller, local ones). Think carefully before accepting an unsuitable solution.

Iam64, I don't think the dogs are a problem as grannygranby said (on the first page):

'yes I have contacted a person to help me with the dogs when I get home.'

(and, re her daughter)

'She has three gardens and loves looking after dogs so that is not the big issue some might think.'

It just seems that the way she is being treated - and shouted at - is utterly unbearable.

Yes i got the daughter:dogs ok but shouting ad mum issue
I like a back up plan for when the oP is home 🌞

I am on my own with two children and full time studies and personality find it very difficult when family come to stay due to space and the fact I have to sleep in the sitting room and I don't sleep well.
Your situation is quite different and I am absolutely horrified that your daughter is treating you like this. You deserve to be loved and looked after. If you were my mum, I'd give you my room with ensuite, put a fridge in your room and would have done all I could to involve you in the household.
I doubt the issue is you. Is it possible that there are marriage issues being highlighted by you visiting.
You poor thing. You need to be resting and healing x

grannygranby what is the situation now? Is been some time since you started this thread. Its not a brilliant time of year to get an SW assessment, but have googled getting one and I advise you google your local authority "Adult Social Services" to see what they offer.

So sorry you're going through this. To put this down to marriage problems is a possibility. But, it could also be Mental Health, Menopause, money issues or Job problems that your daughter is sufering with, if her bad temperedness is out of character.

Could you ask her what's bothering her the most? It could be solveable. If its not or it gets worse, definitely get hold of a social worker. Seeing as you'd have to explain to your friends anyway, if and when you move, it might be best to chat it over with your friends now before it comes to that.

Yep here I am and thanks again all of you for seeing how complicated it is.

I had to go to the hospital for a check up on a heart condition day before yesterday which had already been put back because of the fracture so we reckoned better get it over with. It was a trainee male and he manhandled me to get the echo scan he wanted. He moved my arms and positioned me causing me to scream and cry at one point, he called his supervisor because he was worried that he hadn’t got the scans right! Point being my shoulder has been worse since though yesterday I got the promised phone call from the physio at the hospital and she has sent me an app to download. I haven’t started it yet but have to do the the exercises every two hours …

So one reason for the silence my end As for DD so many of you get that…we have to harness all our stoicism and then add some.
I can’t quite fathom what’s going on with DD I just think on the whole I’ll have to take the brunt of it and try and keep sane with your help. It seems at times no one could be more kind or more cruel.
I also get that resentment perhaps we all feel when mothers stop being independent and able I too remember feeling impatient with mine, in denial of her age and mortality
.
I don’t think I will qualify for help because of savings and I’m very willing to pay out but I don’t know quite how to start.. get one of those cleaning companies in? I don’t know how to get an independent cleaner in..
and today I’m taking up some more advice from you I am going to ask if I can go on the dog walks with them.
I think o need more exercise too, the problem has been that whenever I have had an active day my arm has suffered and it’s supposed to be immobile for four weeks.. well that is just up.
onward with my app and cast iron emotional carapace I will descend to the kitchen with a smile. Tbh I think at times everything annoys them about me but I do think they like praise for helping me. love you all
I’ll let you know how I get on if I may

Good news that you now have exercises. Be sure to do them and when it's tough (and it IS some days) remember this will get me home.

Good luck.

Good to hear you sounding more upbeat, grannygranby. Stay strong! You'll make it (hugs).

Today a friend came round and took me for a walk which was good. Tonight however DD in really difficult mood and I questioned it and she lashed out in fury. And feel back at Squre one without going into detail.
I realise that one of the reasons I haven’t been going on the dog walk is that I feel free when they are out. Free from her temper etc so it is with mixed feelings I look forward to going on them. But it was good to feel normal walking again.
The other problem is that my shoulder is sending electric like shots of pain which cause me to yelp sometimes she says she dislikes that intensely as it is very annoying. When she presents the evening meal she sulks and has to have lots of appeasement from her husband and yet her main interest is food. Loves her new instapot and air fryer has every fancy food available and we have takeouts very frequently she also likes the total control of what when and where we eat. She’s a monster. I do wonder whether never having had children and in the past only ever had to cater for herself and husband as well as working as a consultant to three top end restaurants and eating out whenever they fancy…
Sorry bit of a rant. Obviously I always eat everything up she serves and compliment her etc but her look of suffering martyrdom is getting on my wick.
Tomorrow is another day I am so glad this holiday period is over and things will get a bit back to normal. I see physio for first time on Tuesday
Thanks for bearing with

OP
You need to get out of your daughter's home.

What is stopping you?

Oh dear tbh I would leave couldn’t stand the stress of your situation it is not good for your well being.Is it not possible to get home? Do you have friend who would help Age Uk could offers advice give them a ring. Where do you live? How far is it from your daughters home?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

when you say she lashed out, did she start shouting at you ?
can you say what happened ?

I wonder if it’s possible for you to have a live in cared for a few weeks so that you can return home safely? it could be worth making enquiries if you can afford it. Do you have a rehab team that you can talk to? Dd won’t like it but you need to get out of there asap.

Live in carer

Hithere

OP
You need to get out of your daughter's home.

What is stopping you?

I agree for both your’s and your daughter’s sakes.
I also think Avalon’s suggestion of a live in carer sounds a good idea. Something needs to change!

Well I concentrated too much on my discontent and didn’t sleep at all. The trouble is i am disabled I have no use of my right arm I have to sleep in my clothes and can’t raise my hand to my face or cut my food the physio tasks are not possible, the pain too severe.

There are theee fractures one across the ball joint. I hoped it would heal itself but it is getting more painful and hangs crooked and so painful to sleep.

She does loads for me. More than any carer I could manage to sort out yet at this time of year. Glad this holiday period nearly over. I will be on to it but I wouldn’t be able to cope in my terrace house with no grown up neighbors, tiny gardens and the dogs and not being able to drive.
The reason I have got savings is that i have been meaning to move somewhere more suitable.

I don’t have any friends that can help beyond an occasional walk. Partly because they are too old themselves or they are carers themselves to spouses or very busy travelling etc. or in the same city.

Very upsettingly my sons wife and two of his daughters are becoming more disabled so that was very distressing to see at Christmas for us all. The older child who has child-onset myotonic dystrophy is losing her mental abilities it doesn’t just affect the muscles, the brain as well. So tragic.

I wish I hadn’t moaned to you all so much about daughter, i was letting off steam, I will sort it and she will help me do so let’s hope I am being melodramatic and will get its use back.

I was supposed to have X-rays every week but that isn’t happening, even the hospital physio isn’t available till the end of this month and yet i was supposed to have had it, I now find out, from week one.

It’s not a good time to have an accident the nhs are in meltdown so watch out all of you. Take care and watch your step.
Giving me an outlet to express my frustration is probably the best you can do at immediate time. And when I said she lashed out I meant with tongue, she’s upset too. She has her plate full and she’s upset about brother and nieces too and her MIL has Alzheimer’s and her job might be ending. So thank you, sometimes there are no answers. As someone once said old age is not for sissies.

There are theee fractures one across the ball joint. I hoped it would heal itself but it is getting more painful and hangs crooked and so painful to sleep

Well, that sounds urgent grannygranby, perhaps you need to get hold of the Consultant's secretary and emphasise how painful it is and how it doesn't seem to be setting properly. Could it need pinning to keep it in place while it mends?
I'd pursue that rather than push for physio, you really need an X-ray.

Good luck.

"SHe is a monster"
"She does loads for me. More than any carer I could manage to sort out yet at this time of year"

Which statement is correct?

I am sorry you had that accident, it is never a good time to be in this situation

You need to concentrate in the future, not what happened

Was it discussed originally how long you would stay there?

The most important thing - what would you do if your kind daughter could not take care of you?
Do that instead.

The relationship with your daughter and sil may be getting impacted.
Leave their place now and save it

your injured arm sounds like it needs a review.
you can fill in a 111 form online and they will contact you with advice.
i really think you need to reach for professional help re your arm. don't neglect the realities.
it may have been damaged by manhandling.
let us know how you get on.
good luck.

Well... your annoyance of your daughter and negativity towards her will be felt by her even if you don't voice it. She might be getting bad vibes from you.

Maybe use your savings to stay in a hotel and get waited on? That way if you have complaints you can gripe at them and not ruin family relationships. No idea what is wrong for your daughter to get so upset, but maybe it's something she's not ready to share?

Also, you haven't shared your feelings honestly with her, so maybe she's not feeling free to share hers either.

My Mother had reablement carers in and managed to complain about everything. She also made a complaint in the hospital. She also accidentally pocket dialled me so I could hear her complaining about the help I'd given her.... So maybe look at it like this- you're struggling with being in pain, feeling old and suffering because of that- so you are going to complain wherever you are and find shortcomings wherever you are. So don't do it to your daughter.

There are people who rather than pay a care home or carers just stay in a nice hotel and get waited on.

OnwardandUpward - if you read OP's recent post you'll see she's significantly disabled by injury - can't even dress/undress - so hotel wouldn't work

Please phone your Consultant's secretary, grannygranby - they are the best route to the Consultant.
Your injury sounds as if it needs immediate attention.

Or www.patients-association.org.uk/helpline
Or PALS www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/hospitals/what-is-pals-patient-advice-and-liaison-service/