I know this must happen to a lot of families at this time of year
but I’m so tired of the trouble she causes. I have three children in their 40s two are married with families and my troubled daughter is single and would like to have the same. She’s got a career and a good life. Every Christmas she picks arguments with me or her brother then stops talking to one of us….this year it’s her brother. She comes to the meals but often stands up and won’t eat and is sulky. This year her brother is bearing the brunt and his daughter, she’s 15 has expressed her unhappiness that my daughter might not come to her house at Christmas but will go to her sisters. Sorry this is potted version. I might add that my children and grandchildren do all usually get on. I’m a single mum and the children were really close growing up. If I try to talk to my daughter about this (which I’m going to) she gets really angry, swears and spits feathers blaming everyone else so she won’t take any responsibility for her behaviour. At the moment we think she won’t come to my sons but is refusing to commit. If anyone has any advice I’d love to hear it otherwise I’m greatfull for a listening ear.
I agree with welbeck, so I'd be inclined to ignore any difficult behaviour - as far as possible. If she's sulky and refuses to sit at the table, I'd find that quite easy to ignore. It may be that she really needs to be there but just finds it impossible to join in. Show her understanding and affection rather than any nagging to conform.
nannycake you say you are a single parent but I do wonder if there is something that happened in past Christmases that upset her. It took me years to realise that I didn't really dislike Christmas, but I was on edge all the time just before it. The reason? My parents always had a huge row just before Christmas and often didn't speak to each other until Boxing Day, and even years after that stopped I was still waiting for that row every Christmas. Christmas may be the season of goodwill but it stirs up negative emotions.
That must have been miserable for you. I know lots of parents argue at Christmas which is rotten for the children. Myself and my husband divorced when she was small and as far as I’m aware she didn’t witness any dramas. She usually really enjoys Christmas at her sisters and fully enters the spirit of it but only after turning up very late whereby I know she’s been upset and trying to get herself together. She’s different at her brothers house though and is rude, ungaging etc. etc. but basically having a wobble. I do stay out of it but I do feel for her and also my son who carries on trying to please her. Anyway I must try to stop worrying about her for now and just make the most of Christmas with my lovely family.
Tell her point blank that either she behaves herself when visiting you when the rest of the family are present, or she comes on her own.
If she persists in behaving like a spoilt teenager instead of an adult, fine, but why let her spoil things for you, her brother and his children?
Every behaviour has a reason and it’s really not that helpful to say as some posters have ‘she’s just like a spoilt teenager’ Something deep inside is making her behave this way and she needs help
You say it’s ok at her sisters but not her brothers so there s some hidden (to you) reason she sounds as if she has complex problems and would benefit from counselling or some mental health treatment I would imagine there’s much more heartbreak behind this than just the fact they are married and she isnt
Carry on loving her but not loving her behaviour
Christmas with all its forced meetings is a huge problem to some people
I agree that she needs help but she is denying she does. I will discuss it with her again. She often talks about what others do about their own mental health so I know she thinks about it. We all show our love to her and we are loathe to upset her further. Christmas Day went without a “wobble” and she enjoyed herself. Unfortunately she is now poorly with a virus so was too unwell to come to her brothers which was sad but at least we were spared unpleasantness. Thank you for your interest I too think she has a deep rooted problem.
Maybe something traumatizing happened and Christmas is triggering?
She needs help, but wait til New Year when the decorations are put away and she might be more relaxed to open up.
Casdon
If she was my daughter I wouldn’t ban her, but neither would I speak to her about it, and I’d advise your son not to either. She’s looking for attention I think, and the less attention you pay the quicker she’ll get the message. I wouldn’t ask her if she’s going to your son or your other daughter for Christmas either, I’d leave her to stew. As your granddaughter is 15 she’s old enough to have an explanation, she’ll understand I’m sure.
Good advice here.
It's amazing anyone would say this because it seems very invalidating, but accusing someone of wanting attention isn't always accurate. Sometimes people have genuine problems and are acting out of pain.
My Mother would always invalidate me and tell people I wanted attention, when I had actual problems and have never wanted "Attention". If anyone is an attention seeker it is her. I have suffered medical negligence and almost died because she told people not to help me because I was an attention seeker. The reality was that I was in agony and I came close to dying from an unforseen condition.
Ignoring an issue because you do not want to hear it does not change it. Brushing off something or someone as "Attention seeking" doesn't help. Even if they are, then why? What made them that way? What is lacking in them that they are reaching out to be loved and helped? Why cannot you hear them?
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