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Suggestion how to deal with unprovoked abuse

(36 Posts)
Shortbread Wed 11-Jan-23 21:58:36

I am 72 and after 50 years with ups and downs OT rages inexplicably and today punched me and told me to get out of the car., because I failed to exit the parking space the way he would have done. I have made my own way home -25 miles- bus and train and am at loss how to communicate with him.

Shinamae Wed 11-Jan-23 22:03:11


mumofmadboys Wed 11-Jan-23 22:07:39

Sorry to hear this Shortbread. Has he hit you before? Is he unwell in any way? I hope you have some suppport. Don't do anything hastily. Take care.

SueDonim Wed 11-Jan-23 22:07:40

Communicate via a solicitor, I’d say.

MawtheMerrier Wed 11-Jan-23 22:08:42

Do you have family or a good friend you could stay with while you talk to someone about this?
Has he ever shown signs of violence?
Could it be the onset of dementia or a UTI ?
Please get help, but first of all, keep yourself safe.

Smileless2012 Wed 11-Jan-23 22:20:16

I hope there's somewhere you can go and stay Shortbread for your safety until you can fund out what's going on.

He could as Maw has posted be ill or have the onset of dementia. Dementia can make the most placid have violent outbursts, but your priority must be your personal safetyflowers.

Redhead56 Wed 11-Jan-23 22:54:37

It isn’t acceptable at any age or stage of life realistically the next punch could kill you. Dementia or another reason such as stroke is no excuse for violence do not put up with it.
Please seek help and advice as soon as you can and get back and tell us how you get on💐

Nanagem Wed 11-Jan-23 23:05:12

Please get help, no one ever has the right to hit you. If as others have said, he maybe I’ll, then it could happen again. Keep yourself save tonight and make some calls first thing

BlueberryPie Wed 11-Jan-23 23:19:39

Call the police.

Wyllow3 Wed 11-Jan-23 23:39:10

Ring (in NHS guidance)

"women can call The Freephone National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge on 0808 2000 247 for free at any time, day or night. The staff will offer confidential, non-judgemental information and support"

You need to decide what to do and factor in what others have mentioned, is it the first time, is he ill with MH or dementia as to how to move forward. Has he been coercively abusive tho not physically violent and controlling for a long time or is this pretty new.

Hithere Wed 11-Jan-23 23:40:34

Call the police, make a report, get a lawyer and leave

LRavenscroft Thu 12-Jan-23 06:07:24

Do you have a family member you could turn to for support? Please get support as soon as possible from a professional body as this does not bode well for the future for you. Can your GP/Citizens advice offer assistance? Is there anywhere you can stay in between to keep safe. Whilst not wishing to point a finger, someone in my family became violent at the onset of dementia which put a terrible strain on the family.

Ginny42 Thu 12-Jan-23 07:27:57

Well done on coping at the time with this distressing situation and getting home safely. I know such a big change is scary at any age, but especially so when we're older. Reaching out here was an important step towards collecting your thoughts on what you need to do now. It's not easy but at least collect information to help you make a decision. There is help out there as others have said. You should also look on the Government site.

Some lawyers offer a free first consultation which you might feel is a good place to start. Information is empowering.

Lean on friends and others here on GN to help you though the coming days and hopefully you'll a solution which keeps you safe. I also advise to take care not to allow your H to see what you're doing in order to make your decision until you're ready. flowers

Doodledog Thu 12-Jan-23 08:25:19

I agree that you need to find out your options, but whilst it may be necessary to leave you should avoid doing anything that will disadvantage you down the line. If you own the house your rights will be different from if your husband’s name is on the rent book, for instance.

Obviously your safety is paramount, so is there somewhere you can stay temporarily, without officially ‘leaving’? Ginny’s suggestion above that you see a lawyer first is a good one. Explore all your options without rushing into anything, but be sure to keep yourself safe. Good luck- this sort of thing is so easy to say on the Internet, and so much harder to do, specially in later life flowers

NannyJan53 Thu 12-Jan-23 08:29:45

Obviously this is not acceptable. You must report to the police it is physical assault.

As others have said, is there someone you can stay with? He needs to realise how serious this is. No-one should feel unsafe in their own home.

Wyllow3 Thu 12-Jan-23 08:37:15

If he is frequently verbally abusive you would be wise to sound record what's said. I've just divorced a coercively abusive husband and downloaded a sound record ap on my mobile and had proof.

I did have the police round for abuse and went through changing locks etc on police advice BUT you need evidence to proceed with arrest and charges. One of the first things the very nice young policeman said was, "do you want to stay in this marriage" long before I had decided that, you need to think about it.

J52 Thu 12-Jan-23 08:42:17

You have been assaulted, report the assault to the police, ring Woman’s Aide for advice, see a solicitor ASAP, gather all your relevant personal documents in a folder and put in an escape bag.
You should either ask him to leave or leave yourself, you are not safe. A violent unprovoked attack like can only, sadly escalate. If my DH behaved like this, after similar years of happy marriage there’d be no way back!

glammanana Thu 12-Jan-23 09:03:01

You must leave this abusive relationship no one deserves this treatment,have you been marked where he punched you if so take a picture of any bruises that may have been made and report to the Police they have a zero tolerance for domestic abuse he needs to know he can't get away with this kind of treatment.
Do you have any one you can stay with & as others have said ring Womens Aid and get help you do not have to put up with this awful life style get out and be safe flowers

Yammy Thu 12-Jan-23 09:10:16

I can only say how sorry I am and try and stay with someone safe.
If it has only started lately it could as been suggested early signs of Alhezimers, you would need to contact your Dr. to get a medical confirmation.I hope you are

Madgran77 Thu 12-Jan-23 09:54:22

Shortbread how are you? flowers

Germanshepherdsmum Thu 12-Jan-23 10:02:00

I’m so very sorry to hear about this.

Personally I wouldn’t report the incident to the police, nor would I ask him to leave, as these actions may provoke another attack. It could be a sign of the onset of dementia but that doesn’t mean you have to accept being treated in this way.

I would quietly gather as much financial information as you have and consult a solicitor.

I hope there is someone you can stay with whilst you consider the way forward.

Please keep in touch with us. GN can be a real lifeline. 💐

Sarah75 Thu 12-Jan-23 10:04:29

My daughter was in an abusive marriage, and was advised to contact the police, so that a record was kept.

Germanshepherdsmum Thu 12-Jan-23 10:16:39

Thankfully we now have no fault divorce.

Shinamae Thu 12-Jan-23 10:58:53


Thankfully we now have no fault divorce.

Which my daughter has now implemented…

eazybee Thu 12-Jan-23 12:04:14

Report this to your doctor so you have evidence of an attack.
Consult a solicitor.
Has your husband made any reference to this attack?
You say you have had '50 years with ups and downs OT (over the top or Other Half?) rages inexplicably'. You must consider your personal safety whilst considering your future.