95yr old frail stubborn mother

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OnwardandUpward

They do Fleurpepper, as long as they have capacity to make those decisions.

If they lose capacity and only then, is when they lack the capacity to make the best decisions for themselves anymore and that is when it becomes a Safeguarding matter . Then, and only then, decisions must be made in their best interests.

And yet- that is a very fine and wobbly line. Who decides when that line is crossed. If someone decides to live in squalid conditions, which would be considered by others not to be 'good' decisions- but fully compos mentis and aware of risks, of say, falling over, not being discovered immediately, being cold or not washed as often as perhaps we would deem adequate- at what stage do we have the right to say 'you are not making good decisions'? People have the right to make the 'wrong' decisions all their lives, why should that choice be denied in old age.

I am not being flippant. But we have come across many cases where the very question became the reality. Should the doctor act against the patient's wishes, because his/her children decide the parent is not making 'good decisions' according to their standards?

A very difficult decision for a doctor to make. I’m glad I’m not one. His/her duty is to the patient. If they are compos mentis and want to live in squalor then I guess that’s their choice to make, difficult though we would find it to accept, unless they have an illness which requires hospitalisation - when they are fit to be discharged return to home without care may be decided not to be in their best interests.

Thank you for not dimissing my post and reading it in the spirit. Even more difficult when the family does not agree.

I can imagine. I’m grateful not to have experienced it.

I agree.

If mum was very forth coming about her needs and wants in the temp home, she was of sound mind when she made the decision.

Your mum is probably extremely grateful for this lady stepping up, when and where you could not.

Your mum may feel like you haven't been there , or whatever her reasons are for changing...is her choice.

The neighbor may be just someone who's obeying your mother's requests. .and genuinely trying to help out.

I know this is upsetting, but I feel like these changes are your mum's personal ones of sound mind.

..if it's not,

It will be very hard to prove.

If she legally changed her will and it was approved.. it's strictly your mom's doing.

Maybe your mom feels like you're only after her money, and only there waiting in the wings for her to pass, for the money... perhaps that's why she changed..

She found someone genuinely wanting to help.

We don't know you...but you seem focused on the money only and what it could do for your family..

Hypothetical situation. Say this so called friendly neighbour was doing things just to get the old persons money. Why are there laws for example like Elderly Financial Abuse carrying up to a 10year prison sentence to protect old people. Scammers come in all kinds of disguises.

This old lady has put this neighbour in a tricky position in her Will. It looks suspicious all of a sudden. You can say she was of sound mind making the Will but how many well educated people have been seen on TV losing their life savings. You don't have to be GaGa to be conned.

I don't understand why people that op claims to have witnessed the lady's behavior automatically labeled it an "obsession" or being "obsessed"..

Instead of genuine concern and genuine love.

This neighbor could have grown to genuinely love and care for the mother.

She saw an elderly lady and neighbor with poor eyesight, capable but fragile and stepped in when no one else seemed to be..

Her always calling and trying to be there for the mum, is just out of concerned. She called alot and saw her alot out of concern and care.

Yes op allegedly had all these physical problems and aliments, but 3 years without asking for wellness checks to be performed by cops often, perhaps asking others to drop by, husband and son never visited, no calling different organizations, adult day/night care centers, never seeing if they could get her into some program to not be stuck in the house lonely without friends???

Op sounds solely focused on the money and what it could do for she and her husband and son. The will and her house. Even have been planning it out.

The cops should have phoned to do wellness checks.

They would have seen and made assessments to determine if she was capable of remaining in her home or if it was a hazard, or if she was abused or taken advantage of.

I think the mother in sane functioning mind made the decision to nix them out the will herself.

Maybe op has been displaying eager money hungry , non caring behaviors towards her mom. Maybe op has little patience and talks with disregard and offensive terms..

I mean op spoke in disparagingly about her mum to strangers...I can't imagine how she talks to her in real life.
I think the mother feels unloved by her family..for whatever her reasons are.

It must be hard on the neighbor too. Perhaps she asked the staff to convince the mom to either get a more skilled helper or be admitted to a care facility, but the mother refuses everytime.

Neighbor just sounds concerned to me.

Op perhaps resents the neighbor and feels like she's being replaced as a daughter.

Op may be angry and upset that they may share the close bond op wishes she could have with her mother but doesn't.

Its just her mum's personal choice to do what she did.

If that was my mum the last thing that I would be concerned about is a will and money...but that my 95vyear old mum is living alone, cant see well, have memory and functionality problems, have health problems..

If my mum didn't want to move in or into a center, I would see about Me or my family moving closer or in ....

And we would figure out the rest from there...

It's all about money and the will...and trying to contest it...while she's living or soon as mum is gone.

Instead of focusing on mum may be gone soon..

In my opinion.

If it's not all that and the neighbor is doing this and being abusive...

You'll never be able to prove it.

Your mum is in sound mind and capacities previously and currently as witnessed and testimonials by others..

Op and the mom have a very strained relationship.

Just let it go op...focus on your mum and her declining health...and loving and showing your mom love... perhaps mending and repairing the relationship..before it's too late.

I wish everyone well

If the mom is being conned, maybe her mother is fully aware of this and feel like the price for love, care, companionship and affection is worth it.

Maybe the mom and her agreed to these terms and conditions if that's the case.

The mom may be feeling unloved and need of companionship, and is willing to pay the expense.

Op will never know..unless the lady is ever caught being physically, medically, verbally abusive and there's evidence...untill there is I highly doubt she would win in court.

The testimonials from others including medical doctors, solicitors, elder services, have all said that she wasn't...and hasn't been soo far.

Some parts of the world require elderly people who wish to remain in their homes who would want care to sign over their assets and house in order to recieve.
Op may just already know subconsciously that it's her mother's choice, and has a hard time accepting it.

What I'm getting from op is that she feels like she should be rewarded after all these years for "putting up" with her allegedly "stubborn" mother.

Unless actual clear evidence pops up, no one will ever know.

I guess the diary wasn't held into account because anybody could have written it and forged the mum's penmanship.

Sad situation all around
I pray for them all.

Whether or not the neighbor is genuine or after money....

Just let it go op and chalk it up as payment for all she's been doing for your mom ..

For 3 years she's been there for your mom... currently she's still there for your mom.

Alot of time, strength, money, effort, dedication, and infringement on the neighbor's personal life and time were made to care for your mom.

She made sacrifices to be there for her.

If the neighbor sees it as a job or acts of genuine love.. she was there when nobody else was physically perhaps emotionally.
Your mother is very grateful and appreciative either way.

Your mom still has the shelter of her own home, food, bills paid, companionship, and she seems content.

The neighbor has earned these things. Gift her these things.

This is probably the cost of a care worker or if your mum was in a facility.

You and your family will be fine.

Someone needed to be there for your mother. Your neighbor was.

It's a hard job, and she deserves to be paid and appreciated.

paininthearse475 I am with pinkcosmos this sounds like elder abuse and it is a crime.

Here are a list of actions you can take
1) Ring Action on Elder Abuse www.thenationalcareline.org/ They have a helpline 0800 0699 784 Explain your problem and they should be able to tell you what you can do.

2) Ring your local branch of Age UK and ask to speak to the Information department.

3) You could ring social services and assert your right as next of kin and make it clear that you are and always have been involved with your mother's care.

4)In extremis ring the police.

Forget about the will, for the time being, what you need to concentrate on is the neighbour's actions in excluding you from dealing with your mother's affairs. This means making sure that the home know that they should always contact you first in anything to do with your mother. Make this clear to Social Services as well.

What is happening to you andyour mother is far too common. But it is up to you to take action.

From what you say, I think your mother might be considered not to have full capacity to make decisions for herself. It might be worth contacting a solicitor about applying for a Power of Attorney. In this case your mother would need to be assessed by a doctor as to whether she was capable of making a fully informed decision on her own part. If not you make an application through the Court of Protection, let a solicitor handle this. If you get this, you then have full responisbility for your other's affairs and the neighbour is excluded.

Perhaps GSM can advise as to whether I have got all this right.

The first thing to do is to ring that helpline, 0800 0699 784 and talk the situation through with them. Make sure you have a pad of paper and a pen when you speak to them so that you can note down everything they tell you to do.

The dead ringer that op and her mom have a broken strained relationship is the way that the mother responds and reacts to her husband, are in correlation to the way she responds to her daughter.

Totally different

The issue is a person (it could be any of us) is injured and disabled so cannot visit elderly Mum, who was fine at the time- however at some point Mum needed help and a neighbour stepped in. Mum wanted to reward the neighbour, changed will etc.

It is a bit troubling, but it could definitely legally happen to any of us if we were not able to visit a parent. Even if we visited our parent every single day of our lives, they could Still legally decide to leave their possessions or their home to someone else- just because it's theirs to do what they choose with.

I'd be interested to see how this can be proved or resolved.

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I quite agree O&U, but there are elements of the OPs story that have similarities with many elder abuse cases, especially those involving financial abuse.

The OP needs to investigate this, and this is best done after getting advice from organisations that can advise on this subject. This is also why GSM suggested that she contact a solicitor.

If everything is all above board, she can start to take the care of her mother's affairs back into her own hands. She has looked after them for years and knows them best. She can thank the neighbour and get to know her.

But I have seen enough of these cases, to know that those who are abusing someone financially are very good as making sure that exactly what they are doing is well hidden, under the guise of the good neighbour, caring son, dutiful daughter.

It never hurts to check.

What caused me to change my mind was OP’s statement that she had not seen her mother for three years. Yes, she had suffered injury and illness but she also made much of covid restrictions. We all took tests before seeing vulnerable people. She has a husband. Not one opportunity to visit in three years? I don’t buy that. And ‘keeping in touch by phone’ can mean anything. If it was daily or weekly I believe she would have said so.

But my inclination in cases like this is to start to look at the case to see if there is evidence for abuse, before anything else. Even if the OP has not kept close contact, the neighbour seems to have taken actions aimed at excluding her - and that is always a suspicious action

And to be honest, when I am under any stress, I struggle to keep up contact with other people, even those quite close and I have seen that in other people as well.

The OP, with the injuries she had, may have struggled mentally as well.

For three years MOnica? Her own mother. Christmases, birthdays etc? How was the mother to buy food, pay bills (she can’t see or write well)?

Germanshepherdsmum

For three years MOnica? Her own mother. Christmases, birthdays etc? How was the mother to buy food, pay bills (she can’t see or write well)?

Indeed!

If any of us had a neighbour who was in such a plight it's easy to see how we might have helped, but we wouldn't have expected to exclude the neighbour's own child, surely. Or to inherit property... unless the Mother has required hours and hours of help so the neighbour has had to turn down paying work or if the neighbour could not get back the money for shopping , for example. Even if she was POA I don't agree with leaving the child out or inheriting all the property even if Mum did owe the neighbour money.

Im interested to see how this can be sorted out.

Although I'm suspicious of the neighbour's actions, I'm far more alarmed by the daughter's neglect, inaction - and negative, uncaring attitude.

If you cannot visit and care, you make suitable arrangements, plan, check and liaise with hospital, home and carers - surely? A forty minute journey is short, so, if you can sit in a chair, you can sit in a car.

I've seen too many examples of 'caring' relatives popping up suddenly, from nowhere, with pound signs in their eyes, when a frail elderly person nears their demise. They expect an inheritance, simply because they're related. Shameful!

I am taking a precautionary approach. It is oh so easy to say if she can sit in a chair, she can sit in a car, that is nonsense. I have a friend at the moment, who can sit at home but needs to keep getting up and moving, but who cannot manage anything other than the shortest journey in a car - too shops and back but no further. Similarly when you are in hospital with a broken back and arms, it will be similarly difficult.

I would always give the benifit of the doubt until proven otherwise and certainly not jump to judgement with the limited information we have , as so many of you are doing.

Hetty makes the very valid point that if you cannot visit you make suitable arrangements.

What if there was a next door neighbour who you had been helping in lockdown but they needed full time care and didnt have money to pay you, but said they would leave the house?

What if you were short of money because the elderly person owed you so much money for shopping bought but could never pay you?

I'm not saying its right, but there could be reasons why the mother thinks the neighbour deserves this, just as much as it could be the neighbour taking advantage. Only the two of them know. It could also be that the neighbour has been extremely attentive and the mother wishes to reward her, not her daughter who has been hands off because the mother doesn't understand what the daughter has been going through?

I think it will be hard to get to the bottom of it, but understand why it's necessary. Just saying that if you put yourself in the mother's shoes with no one to call on except the neighbour- how many of us would want to keep that good will at any means? And, I know from experience from getting shopping in for the elderly, very often they do not have the money to pay for it. Happy to let that one go because I can, but not everyone can afford to.

You all make judgements on a situation you do not really know properly. Heartless attitudes by some of you. Just pause for a moment can you imagine what it must have been like for someone aged 70 to have TWO broken arms and a fractured spine. Unable to eat or do personal care. Try wearing casts for three months not a party. No doubt one of the thoughtless ones will report because someone dares to challenge you. MOnica is the only one who can see sense.