95yr old frail stubborn mother

GSM

Agree, I was finding contradictions between posters' comments critiquing neighbour while admiring the spirit of the action at the same time

Arranging carers can be done remotely, there is no need for a visit

What's going to happen when this level of care and commitment are no longer suitable, what is the plan?

Fleurpepper

I have not re-read the thread from the beginning. There may well be circumstances that make OP think that the neighbour is taking advantage.

However, I truly resent the automatic assumption, that because the mother is 95, she is gaga and unable to make her own, very clear, decisions.

My dad was very able to do so at 96.

Aye, my Mum too. She'd moved into a nursing home at 92 (her choice) and had 100% Capacity until the day she died!

The lady made a new will a few months ago and a solicitor witnessed her signature. He wouldn’t have done that if he wasn’t satisfied that she understood what she was doing.

Indeed, thanks.

One DD helped an elderly lady next door throughout the pandemic and beyond. Checking on her every other day, and doing all her shopping. She of course only had the old lady in mind, and she certainly did not need her money, and was often out of pocket. And the question above comes to mind 'why was she alone?'. She has a son who lives 20 mins away and a DIL, who just could not be bothered.

They will inherit of a property that will be worth 2 mio+ due to location and size of plot. And of course, DD would not want a single penny. But why was she left in charge of checking, supporting, helping, shopping, etc? Same for other AC, who with partner, looked after another neighbour, not quite so old but with severe health issues. Checking, shopping, cooking, and more. In her case, fair enough- she does not have children. And again, they would not want to benefit in any way.

My older brother is a widow. His step daughter never ever does anything for him never invites him over, or visit. She is due to inherit several millions. Why should she, when she just does not care and can't be bothered?

Agreed, Fleurpepper - it's just 'what we do', isn't it? Called 'being neighbourly'.
I helped a neighbour in her 80s and 90s when her DD, living some 60 miles away 'had a busy job'. Shopping, sorting taxis, arranging home hairdressing, even agreeing to be her nominated First Responder when her falls alarm was activated.
But, my golly, was I grateful that my elderly mother could rely on caring and supportive neighbours when necessary as well. They were 'on the doorstep', I was 200 miles away.

I think people make a mistake when they feel entitled to property or money just because of who they are because the money is not theirs. As long as their parent has capacity they can give away what they want to whom they choose.

The money, the property and the possessions are your Mother's to do as she pleases with. It is sad if you were counting on inheriting ( but the fact is that many parents money and or home gets used to pay for much needed care) It is probably the neighbour's help that has prevented your Mother from needing to go in a home or sell hers, and for that I'm sure she is grateful.

95yr old frail stubborn mother

(95 yr old frail in body but mentally strong and knows what she wants Mother?)

I think some posters are being very harsh to OP who has clearly sustained life changing and mobility limiting injuries herself. 50 miles may not seem much if you are fit and able to drive or travel. If you are wheelchair or house bound then it can be a very different picture getting to see someone else.

We dont know whether there has been an element of financial abuse from the "kindly neighbour" but the OP is entitled to find out what is going on.

I did acknowledge the injury/disability and its totally valid BigLouis but if we are unavailable due to good and valid reasons where do our parents get help if they run into crisis?

I'm sure many neighbours are helpful, but most dont expect to be left the family home. However, its the old ladys choice what she does with her goods. I definitely agree OP is entitled to find out, but I doubt a solicitor would agree if they did not feel the elderly woman lacked capacity.

Fleurpepper

Indeed, thanks.

One DD helped an elderly lady next door throughout the pandemic and beyond. Checking on her every other day, and doing all her shopping. She of course only had the old lady in mind, and she certainly did not need her money, and was often out of pocket. And the question above comes to mind 'why was she alone?'. She has a son who lives 20 mins away and a DIL, who just could not be bothered.

They will inherit of a property that will be worth 2 mio+ due to location and size of plot. And of course, DD would not want a single penny. But why was she left in charge of checking, supporting, helping, shopping, etc? Same for other AC, who with partner, looked after another neighbour, not quite so old but with severe health issues. Checking, shopping, cooking, and more. In her case, fair enough- she does not have children. And again, they would not want to benefit in any way.

My older brother is a widow. His step daughter never ever does anything for him never invites him over, or visit. She is due to inherit several millions. Why should she, when she just does not care and can't be bothered?

She should because that is the decision the people they have help have made. You say they didn't do it for reward so I assume they feel rewarded by the fact that they were able to help.

It is really no ones business except those who have made their wills in the way that they want to. Whether it goes to the children or the care giver, the one who gave less care or more, it is entirely up to them.

help helped

I read this thread last night and found traumatic. It brought so back so many memories of a very difficult time 20 plus years ago when my father died and my late sister was groomed by an ex in-law. She played on how hard done by she was and how lonely my older sister was, pushed out the local family who were still visiting and helping at that stage and eventually kindly took my sister down the road to a local solicitor to make a new will. Of course it left all my sister’s estate to her. Then she abandoned her.
Move on a few years and when I couldn’t contact my sister and she wouldn’t let my daughters, the district nurse or her GP into the house I phoned her doctor but he told me that “ unless she was a danger to herself, other people or the environment.” there wasn’t anything that he could do!

When no one had been able to get a response from my sister for a few days, the police were called.

She’d died about three days before .

this was traumatic for you dustyangel- but old people have the RIGHT to not want to go into a care home, and the RIGHT to refuse access, and the RIGHT to die on their own, if that is what they wish and are of sound mind.

They do Fleurpepper, as long as they have capacity to make those decisions.

If they lose capacity and only then, is when they lack the capacity to make the best decisions for themselves anymore and that is when it becomes a Safeguarding matter . Then, and only then, decisions must be made in their best interests.

Of course they have that right Fleurpepper, and I don’t care that the ex in law got my sister’s share of the house. I do care that she was left to die in pain, on her own because she’d become scared of officialdom and being put in care.
The house was a mess after it was opened up again. The saddest bit was the multitude of empty packets of paracetamol all over the house.

I had been concerned about a relative who I don't live near but who had been making appalling decisions and self neglecting. My sibling, who I trusted the professional opinion of, said they had mental capacity- so they had the choice to make a bad decision. It seems now that my initial concerns about said relative were correct and my sibling is realising that capacity may have been lost quite some time ago.

It is really hard when you're not near by and don't see someone often to know what's real, especially like me when you have a sibling insisting that you're wrong and that nothing is wrong. I have a clear conscience though because I went and stayed there and did all I could, while the others did nothing and claimed all was fine. Now it's apparently not ok it's all down to them because she gave them POA and not me because I live a few hundred miles away.

Upward

You should be proud of yourself you improved the life of your relative by bringing up a concern and they seemed to be in denial

Poas are very personal and distance may indeed be an issue.

Life is unpredictable and you can only do so much.
Keep a friendly relationship with your relative and he/she will appreciate it

Thanks Hithere, yes they were in denial so I left it to the NOK. Distance is an issue and although I had my concerns I kept being told I was over reacting. I seem to have been doing a lot of stepping back in the past year.

Unfortunately in my relative's case by the POA denying there is a problem, several accidents have happened. I believe it is a safeguarding issue and has been for some time, but at least the last crisis seemed to show a lack of capacity, considerable needs and zero care in place. Even though I'd mentioned my concerns one of the POAs told me not to get involved. As a result I feel that the needs of the lady have been neglected as the POA did not want to act.

It was hard, but I let it go. If she had made me POA she would have had better.

People have indeed the right to make decisions which you think are bad decisions. Including neglect, including living in less than perfect conditions, and a mess. It is hard to accept- but it is their right, if they belive that it is better than going into a care home.

The person appointed Attorney may well not be the one to decide if there is a lack of capacity OnwardandUpward. It should be done by professionals. They may not agree with you or not agree with the Attorney.

It's very hard but it is much better that it is a professional decision.

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DaisyAnne

The person appointed Attorney may well not be the one to decide if there is a lack of capacity OnwardandUpward. It should be done by professionals. They may not agree with you or not agree with the Attorney.

It's very hard but it is much better that it is a professional decision.

Yes it should but they insisted she was fine when she blatantly wasnt .The latest crisis warranted a stay in hospital, when capacity was questioned by professionals. She will attend a memory clinic soon.

What is going on here? I read the OP and cannot understand why some think it is not genuine. Why would it be false? You all started out with support then one cynical remark and you turn on them except Biglouis who could see the life changing injuries they have had to deal with and maybe still are being a problem. They said they kept in touch by phone over the 3yrs. At least they tried to help.

REMEMBER this person is 70 and to have a serious fall at that age is major. I should know being a retired nurse. For all we know her mother might just be being abused financially and if she is then they have every right to look into what's going on and protect their mum. She could live till 100 for all we know but what if she is being robbed blind she still needs money to live on. This person is seeing signs of something not right going on with this neighbour. Good for them and good luck.

WDYS

What is going on here? I read the OP and cannot understand why some think it is not genuine. Why would it be false? You all started out with support then one cynical remark and you turn on them except Biglouis who could see the life changing injuries they have had to deal with and maybe still are being a problem. They said they kept in touch by phone over the 3yrs. At least they tried to help.

REMEMBER this person is 70 and to have a serious fall at that age is major. I should know being a retired nurse. For all we know her mother might just be being abused financially and if she is then they have every right to look into what's going on and protect their mum. She could live till 100 for all we know but what if she is being robbed blind she still needs money to live on. This person is seeing signs of something not right going on with this neighbour. Good for them and good luck.

I don't think anyone said they thought it wasn't "genuine" WDYS. It's just that the OP was not specific, as they were later, about not seeing their relative for three years.

This can't be helped but, however anyone else read it, I read that the neighbour had been there for the OP's relative when she couldn't be and that all the OP seemed interested in, when you take the relative's need for care out of it, was what was in the Will.

But that's just me. The whole point of asking these questions here is to get different points of view.

I'm not sure why we need to know about you being a retired nurse. We all bring our life experiences to such questions. Mine is looking after my mother until she died at 99+. The one thing I am aware of is all such relationships are different. For all we know, the neighbour may be doing more than she should for her own well-being simply because no one else is available and maybe all "this person" sees are the £ signs. Or it could be something in between. We will never know, will we?

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