Wedding politics

I agree with others who think that if it is causing such a fuss, they should just go off to the register office on their own and get married.

I don’t see why the other parents problems should mean you can’t be invited.

Blondiescot

Why don't they just solve the problem by going off and quietly getting married with just a couple of witnesses - or even going abroad and getting married there?

That's what I was thinking.

I've told my daughter that she should get married somewhere abroad (without family) - with my blessing.

The problem doesn't seem to be what the bride and groom want, it seems to be the bride's mother.

I would send all the parents an invitation and let them decide whether to be adults, put up and shut up or sulk and stay away.
It is the bride and grooms day, no one else's. They should now up and put their differences aside.

So, once again, it has already been said that the couple are only having close friends as witnesses then going on holiday! If that is the case, then none of the parents are invited.

GN police are on duty then!

No, Newbiedoobieonly thinks they’d ask close friends to witness then just go on holiday. "However, we are six hours away whereas his partners family are more like 15 mins so I anticipate (but might be wrong) that it could end up they are included in some way".

So, nothing decided, just speculation.

Daddima

So, once again, it has already been said that the couple are only having close friends as witnesses then going on holiday! If that is the case, then none of the parents are invited.

To be fair, newbiedoobie said she thought that's what would happen.

I also need to make it clear they’re not thinking of a big wedding. I think they’d ask close friends to witness then just go on holiday

I think I'd pull two people off the street then go to the pub afterwards!

When we got married my in laws were divorced and not on speaking terms it was decided that his mum would come to the wedding and his dad (and partner who was not well received by MIL) would stay away. My dad was there and I wouldn't have had it any other way. Surely the in laws would not expect you to suffer and not go.

I don’t understand this. The bride’s parents have the problems so why should the groom’s parents have to suffer - how is that making things fair?!

When my son got married they wanted a big family wedding with everyone there. Unfortunately my DHs niece and nephew weren’t speaking but logically for the seat plan they would sit at the same table.
I went to them both individually and told them that they were invited and would be seated at the same table. I asked if this would be a problem for them or would they be adult enough to share a table that day. They both agreed to and to anyone who didn’t know the situation, you’d have been none the wiser.
It’s such a shame that nobody could point out to these other parents that their behaviour was overshadowing the daughter’s wedding.
It seems so wrong that you’re being excluded because of the other parent’s behaviour.

but to make it ‘fair’ we wouldn’t be asked to attend either.

Who told them life was fair? Did you point out that to make it fair to unreasonable people they were going to be unfair to reasonable people?

I would feel that I would have to go along with their requests so that my son was not in an awful situation but I would feel I would have to be honest about how I felt simply because I would want him to think about that and what his future wife was asking of him. I wouldn't do it unkindly and I would want him to be sure that I would never hold it against him but it would concern me that his wife comes from a family where manipulation seems to be acceptable.
When my DIL had her hen party, I was told that I wouldn't get an invite because her mother couldn't go. I was bemused (but wasn't bothered about going anyway) but it caused ripples throughout the family which I had never wanted. At the end of the day, it is the bride and groom's wedding, not mine.

Hopefully an amicable solution can be reached as I believe issues like this can create so many problems in the years to come.

When I met my ex partner he'd been divorced for over 13 years and although his relationship with his ex wife wasn't fantastic, it was polite. However she'd maintained a good relationship with his family, in part due to the children... although when we met the children were then young adults.
While his family were always civil to me, it was made clear that I was never to be included/invited to any family event as it would 'upset' his first wife. My partner was understandably quite upset about this and it caused a number of arguments within his family to the point of disruption within his relationships to them.
Being honest, I did find it quite hurtful to begin with as I'd had no connection to the break up they'd had and I also had a warm and friendly relationship with his children.
We parted for an array of reasons...that situation being part of it to a small degree.
It's just all so sad.

I just think it's good & proper to be at a son's wedding, simple really. But there again, what is good & proper in 2022?

2023!

How is it fair if brides father can attend but not grooms father?

Oh why oh why didn’t they or don’t they just go and have a beautiful beach wedding overseas without any family there
I don’t understand all these big dos and their politics and falling outs
Even off to a registry office here would be preferable to all these difficult fall out
What a way to start a new life with all this hoo ha

I told all my children they would have my blessing if they wanted to just go away without a big old fuss

Sorry, I think that’s a very thoughtless and unkind approach. Surely if her parents can’t behave like adults that’s their problem! I would be so hurt. My son is in a similar situation but hopefully there won’t be a problem when the wedding is finally organised. My ex and I aren’t exactly best buddies but neither of us would dream of being so petty on such an important occasion! So too with a wedding I recently attended; the parents can’t stand each other but put it aside for their daughter’s big day. I would calmly state how hurt I am and how unfair I think it is to be excluded from the celebrations because of someone else’s problems. Putting up and shutting up is all very noble but I think that getting things out in the open is the best way as long as it is done tactfully. Otherwise hurts do tend to fester.

Sad for you that due to the situation with the wife-to-be’s parents you have to suffer too. That seems very wrong to me.

I too would be very upset if asked not to go to my son's wedding because his fiancée's divorced parents are causing trouble.

I feel you are justified in saying to your son that you are both very sad at the prospect of not going to his wedding, but that you obviously do not want to make a difficult situation for his fiancée and for him harder.

Therefore if the only situation her family can come to is not to attend, you can see that their future relationship with her family might indeed be made easier if you did not attend the wedding either.

The important thing here is to make sure that whatever you do and say right now doesn't cause hard feelings between you and your son and soon-to-be-daughter in law.

You could ask if anyone could make a video of the actual ceremony and ask them too if they would like to come after their honeymoon (if they are having one) or at some suitable time after the wedding to your place for a celebration meal.

Unfortunately, this kind of situation with her family will probably crop up again especially if she and your son have a child, but there is no way you can prevent this.

Concentrate on having the best possible relationship with the young couple that you can, and being understanding now should help towards a good relationship with them in the future.

The other.parents should make the sacrifice not you. Surely her mother and husband would understand that as her.present husband was one of the causes of the divorce he should stay away . My sister and l had much the same situation. My dad's second wife who also was the cause of my parents divorce just wasn't invited. My dad said he would under no circumstances miss our weddings so no upsets apart from my mum gave him daggers all day lol .

Aldom

I would be very sad if I wasn't invited to my daughter's wedding. It's important to be there and witness the actual Ceremony. Can't everyone put their grievances aside and attend that, and then compromise on the Reception/party?

Their is no 'fairness' if the dynamic between your future dil's parents dictates what you are allowed to do, and what hasn't been mentioned so far is that if you roll over on this, you will set a precedent for the future so that means all other normal family gatherings (celebrations of children's birthdays, school achievements, eventual graduations etc., etc.,) will follow a pattern that has been long established. Honestly, I wouldn't keep quiet, I would point out the long term folly of everyone enabling the selfish behaviour of grown adults, and highlight that the future hinges on the example they set now. Have they thought that this could lead to their children never being able to have their different sets of grandparents in the same room as them I wonder - it's utterly ridiculous. And yes, as others have said, your son is now an adult but just because we're getting older doesn't mean we should stop modelling rational behaviour. You could suggest to your son's partner that she ask both parents to visit a couples counsellor precisely so that somebody neutral and skilled in teaching couples whether together or otherwise how to be less self-centred and co-exist in situations where other people could be harmed by their behaviour.

Oh dear. So sad when adults cannot set aside their own differences when a young couple are embarking on their own marital journey. For whatever reason some marriages do not survive long term. But in order to ‘move on’ those differences need to be put aside. So hard for the couple getting married to please everyone’s feelings. It is their wedding day and it should be one filling with joy and family bickering put to one side.