Wedding politics

My daughter and son in law had the perfect solution. They got married in a ruined Abbey on an island in the firth of Forth. They had my daughter as bridesmaid, Mother of the Groom as best man and I gave the bride away. No fuss, no one was upset and it was a lovely ceremony conducted by a local minister from South Queensferry.

My niece's in-laws are divorced and I understand there is tension between them still but they both came to her wedding to their son and behaved well for the day. How hard is it for grown ups to act like grown ups!!!

I acted like a grown-up for the sake of my son. My exhusband and his new wife were invited ofcourse. But, I was at the ‘top table’, as it’s called, along with d.I.l’s parents.

Families eh? Been there, done that etc! My brother got married twice, both times abroad as he couldn’t stand the thought of all the ‘step’ parent bits so no family were invited, being his sister I also missed out! So when my sister decided she was inviting only friends to the wedding and not family I saw the heartbroken look on my Mothers face and rightly or wrongly took things into my own hands on the morning of the wedding and ran my DM to the registry office where we waited out of sight for my sister to go in then quickly went in 5 minutes after and watched the wedding whether she liked it or not! I got sick of all the family dramas when my DF went off with another woman and DM obviously couldn’t be in same room etc as DF’s wife. As for my own DS and DDL there was no way I would’ve missed his wedding and we had problems there too. DDL mother is a narcissist so she didn’t want us there (nor our DS truth be told) I told my DS and his wife that it just wasn’t on No matter the bad relationship she had with her family and to cut a long story short bride groom DGS, my husband and myself ended up all going on a cruise and they got married on board ship, had a lovely day with no hassle from brides family in the end. It’s your DS and hopefully he’ll only get married the once, you are going to be hurt because people who are nothing to really do with you can’t act like grown ups, you will never get this day back with your son so in my opinion for what it’s worth you need to tell him how much you are hurting not being able to go to his wedding!

I'd tell them to bloody grow up and stand up to what sound like two extremely selfish and ho4id in laws on her side!!! It's nothing to do with you whatsoever so why should you be denied attending just cos they can't get a life and behave as adults?!?! If the new couple want to start as they want to continue i.e. in conflict and division on both sides, carry on! If they want to put a stop to her parents' appalling behaviour ultimately affecting their children too- she needs to tell her parents in no uncertain terms to either get on or sod off!! I would tell son that if I don't go then they've made their choice and won't see me afterwards either. We got married both second time and my parents didn't attend as my pa was a raging Catholic and didn't even recognise my divorce(?) Sono Ody other than our four sons attended(teens) then EVERYONE came to our wedding party a week later when we returned from honeymoon and had an amazing time! No issues no bad behaviour just a good old time had by all! It can be done if folks engage brains first....

I despair of how some children think they can treat their parents. This would be too much of a rejection for me and I don't even like weddings. Just tell him it would be very hurtful and see what other options he comes up with.

When my step daughter married 7 years ago, she said I was to sit with her Dad ( we’d been married 12 years at that point) on the brides side and her Mum and partner could sit wherever.
I disagreed with her and said her mum was to sit in her rightful place next to her Dad and I was happy to nudge in beside the bridesmaids in the next row.
Both her parents were extremely amicable on the day, we all sat at the top table and spoke to each other amicably.
My opinion, if parents can’t set aside their differences for one special day in their AC lives, then it is extremely sad and a very poor show.
If it were my son’s wedding, I would be devastated to not be invited.

BlueBelle

Oh why oh why didn’t they or don’t they just go and have a beautiful beach wedding overseas without any family there
I don’t understand all these big dos and their politics and falling outs
Even off to a registry office here would be preferable to all these difficult fall out
What a way to start a new life with all this hoo ha

I told all my children they would have my blessing if they wanted to just go away without a big old fuss

So sensible! We did a quickie at registry office and avoided a mahoosive bill too! Cost us s about £1000 all in including exclusive deal at top venue for meal after for 8 of us!!! They should stop flogging the day and start flogging the reality of marriage!

Magrithea

My niece's in-laws are divorced and I understand there is tension between them still but they both came to her wedding to their son and behaved well for the day. How hard is it for grown ups to act like grown ups!!!

Bigheads! They're all up themselves, specially those who smashed their own marriages to pieces cos they thought they could have what they want regardless of who it hurt!! Suppose we should expect vile people to act....in a vile manner, even at the expense of kids' special day? After all their divorce was just that- all about them!

You have to leave it be. One of my daughters had a lovely but small wedding with the whole family there, the other (not married) has said if she and her partner get married, they’ve picked a registry office and would go with a couple of close friends for witnesses. Neither want to be the centre if attention. I’m fine with that. Obviously would be lovely to have another family wedding but it’s their special day, not mine and the most important and fundamental thing is then making a commitment each other. Maybe offer to host a small family get together for your side if the family at a later date, to congratulate the couple.

They would have been better off going to Gretna Green on their own! You will feel the hurt now whatever happens - be the bigger person and say no more now, let them do whatever they are going to do, no good will come of this situation but it’s out of your control, you will make your son and yourself miserable if you say more, I’m sure he knows you feel hurt and he has to live with that . I’m so sorry for you, it’s rotten - unfortunately these things happen in life occasionally.

Daddima

Tweedle24

Maybe, as this is causing family heartache on both sides, a quiet wedding with not too much ‘palaver’ might be better?
Two celebrations with relatives and friends could come later, making sure that only those who get on with each other are invited to each one. That way, no-one is left out and there is no toxic atmosphere at either.

I think newbie has already said that they only intend to have close friends as witnesses, then go on holiday ( unless I have read it wrongly), so I am a bit confused as to exactly what the problem is.

Yes, she did Daddima, but the groom’s parents were asked not to attend because the bride’s parents are being difficult. Whilst I think it is not right for them to be excluded, it sounds as though the couple are adamant on that point. I just meant that inviting them to a later celebration, to which the groom’s parents, are invited could be seen as a compromise.

This is completely the decision of the bride and groom Well done your son for actually putting his partner first Totally the right thing for them Be gracious

I really feel for you. You lose either way really. Miss the wedding you naturally want to attend or feel uncomfortable if you do attend. I believe that your son and his future wife should send invites to all parents (including step parent) and they decide to accept their invitation, or not. They, the parents that is, are supposed to be adults after all. If that’s not going to happen, then the step dad should step aside (seeing as he didn’t spend many years raising her). Difficult, but you shouldn’t be losing out. Hope it all ends well for you. 💐

Take it other family members may be there eg siblings, cousins. Seems really unfair you are asked to be excluded and especially due to the other parent's problems. The other parents need to grow up and your son's partner should explain to her parents other people will not be excluded because they cannot reconcile their situation. After all they are her parents.

GrauntyHelen

This is completely the decision of the bride and groom Well done your son for actually putting his partner first Totally the right thing for them Be gracious

Indeed.

Well done your son - supporting is future spouse.

Friends of mine have children who married abroad or had very small weddings and did not attend. So not that unusual these days particularly with complexity of some relationships. Let them enjoy their day in whatever way they feel comfortable. Lots of ways to celebrate together after the event.

I attended my daughters marriage with new husband and ex with new wife. It helped to heal the ill-feelings that still existed and we even shared a meal with them. Perhaps it is not usual but though arkward it turned into a pleasant weekend.

Selfish people, you should just not bother yourself if your thought so less of

In my opinion I think the brides selfish parents should grow up and put their daughter first and allow her to have the day she wants. But that’s just me.

I would say I’m not missing out on one of my son’s most special events of his life. If the other parents want to play the game, “if he goes then I’m not,” that’s their prerogative but look at the immature behavior they are modeling to their grandchild. People have differences in the playground, school, work and relationships, this is about the others’ and zero to do with you mom. You should not have to be effected by the fallout of this unfathomable behavior. I suspect they already behave this unbecoming way for their grandchild’s birthdays!!!! Is this what they want to teach?

Wow Louisa1523 I'm sure your response made the OP feel so much happier about her situation.

This is beyond cruel and it is wicked of your son to even ask you this. It is not ok in any way shape or form. Whatever you do do not pretend its ok if it is not to you. Speak your mind and do not allow them to abuse you in this way.

Also shame on your son having a child without marrying the mother. He should have committed to her before he penetrated her. Disgraceful. Everything is so out of kilter isn't it. Hence the insane and horribly hurtful suggestion that you be excluded from your sons wedding.

Oh for goodness sake, GrammyGranny, this is 2023, not 1823! The days when 'having a child out of wedlock' brought shame on the family are long gone. That's a horrible thing to say.