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Wife refuses to cook

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4thtwin Mon 30-Jan-23 22:07:07

The title of the post may come across as chauvinistic but I assure you it's not. Here's the background. I was a single dad with full custody of my daughter since she was about 2 years old. We had our own place and I was responsible for all meal prep. If we wanted to eat then it was all on me. I come from a mom who always cooked big sunday dinenrs for me and my 6 other siblings and we'd always get together with food being the central theme. I quickly learned how to cook like my mom. A few years later I met my wife, girlfriend at the time. She was coming off her first divorce with 2 sons in tow, I'd invite her to my place and cook meals for her and she loved it. And every now and then she'd invite me to her place and she'd cook for me. Her meals were typically spaghetti or fried chicken. Nothing too extravagant. Her and her sons eventually moved in and with both of us working we made the meal that we would alternate cooking nights. She'd cook one day and I'd cook the next. This way no one person is responsible for cooking every day. Granted, my wife claimed to be a great cook. She loved southern style cooking. Fried chicken, pork chops, greens, etc.

Fast forward some 20 years and it seems that she refuses to cook anything. She blames me for that saying since I don't eat greens and cabbage and stuff like that she forgot how to cook them. We're Afro-American and those dishes were staples in our home growing up. I never took a liking to green, cabbage and things like that. Well, it seems that the longer we were together the less she cooked. We both worked outside of the home and when we'd get home from work you cooked for the family. On my nights I'd have a meal planned but on her nights it was always "I have no idea what I want to cook". She thinks meal prep takes days and hours to do. I can think of a meal for the next day during a commercial break. My wife now says things like "I hate to chop veggies" or "I don't have an idea what to cook." She's gotten to the point to when she cooks I have to do the prepping for her. Our cabinet is full of spices and we have two deep freezers stocked full. She refuses to dig in the deep freezer to pull out some chicken or ground beef because that takes time away from her doing something else.

Now it seems like when it's her night to eat we'll usually do take out or fast food. Typically on Saturdays we'd be out running around and I'll ask what she has planned for dinner the next day so we can stop byt he store if she doesn't have everything or if she needs an ingredient or spice. She'll now complain saying it's her night and I shouldn't worry about it. Typically the next day she still won't have an idea then complain when she's short on an ingredient. Typically she'll continue to cook it minus the ingredient she didn't have. We're now in our early 50s and I can't seem to get her to cook anything.

We both work from home now permanently due to covid and we're steps away from the kitchen. She actually has her work station on our kitchen table. But when she gets off work she'll sit there for an hour or two playing on her phone or scrolling through Facebook. When I get off work an hour or so later she'll ask me what I want for dinner and I'll say something like " a home cooked meal." She usually smacks her teeth and walk away. I've even gotten to the point where I'll even say "hey, I'd love for you to cook this week, something, anything." And again she complains that cooking takes too long and she just doesn't have the time. But again, she gets off work an hour and a half before me.

I've asked a similar question on other forum sites and most of the people have usually replied that if I want a mean I should just cook it myself. That sort of defeats the purpose of us alternating nights so one person isn't responsible for cooking every night. Others have said that maybe I should just start cooking for myself and leve her to fend for herself. But do you know how well that would go over if I only fried 1 or 2 pieces of chicken, make a lasagna for 1, or just fix enough for me?

I've even offered for us to cook together and she hates that because when I try to show her anything then she gets all in her feelings saying I'm just lecturing her. I'm surprised she hasn't cut herself by the way she holds a knife.

I'm at my wits end on this. How do I get her to cook once in a while? Again, I'm not asking for a gourmet 5 course meal but just something she thinks about and plans. Standing in the kitchen stirring a pot takes away from her checking everyone's Facebook status. I've even given her recipes to follow and if it has more than 3 or 4 ingredients then she thinks that's a facny meal and she doesn't want to try it.

Bringing it up in a casual conversation usually ends up in an argument. Help. IS there anything I can do?

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Germanshepherdsmum Tue 31-Jan-23 16:42:03

I really don’t believe that anyone checks FB while driving at 70mph.

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Callistemon21 Tue 31-Jan-23 16:44:30

A few weeks ago I pulled out one of my blue suits that had yellow stripes in it
I don't think I'd go out with you if you dressed in that.

I have an identical twin and for years our mother dressed us alike until we were almost in high school
Well you didn't grow up having to dress like your sister for years all day every day so you don't understand

If your twin is a sister then she's not your identical twin.
Identical twins are monozygotic and always the same sex.

Try a bit harder next time, 4thtwin

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GagaJo Tue 31-Jan-23 16:48:34

TBH, if I were her, I'd be gone by now. That is not a happy woman.

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Germanshepherdsmum Tue 31-Jan-23 16:49:19

Or - perhaps not bother?

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Germanshepherdsmum Tue 31-Jan-23 16:49:45

That was to Calli.

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Callistemon21 Tue 31-Jan-23 17:12:59

Germanshepherdsmum

Or - perhaps not bother?

No, we hope!

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Hithere Tue 31-Jan-23 17:13:10

"how do you think that's gonna go over with her when I only cook enough for me?"

Playing bingo now
grin

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Callistemon21 Tue 31-Jan-23 17:31:41

Hithere

"how do you think that's gonna go over with her when I only cook enough for me?"

Playing bingo now
grin

She's sent out for a takeaway

Mmmmmm. Onion Bhajis, Lamb Rogan Josh, Basmati rice.
I can smell it now.
Cheers 🍷

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pascal30 Tue 31-Jan-23 17:54:14

this is a long winded wind up...

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4thtwin Tue 31-Jan-23 17:56:46

Hithere

"How hard is it to get a group concensus on where everyone wants to eat and call the restaurant and put us down for 15 or 20 people at a certain time? "

It is very hard and complicated to achieve that goal. Are you kidding me? If it that easy, you do it.

Do you love your wife? Do you like her as a person?

Run to marital therapy and she is a saint for putting up with you

I did and 2 phone calls later everything was set. So no, it's not difficult.

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Callistemon21 Tue 31-Jan-23 17:58:57

I have an identical twin and for years our mother dressed us alike until we were almost in high school
Well you didn't grow up having to dress like your sister for years all day every day so you don't understand

^If your twin is a sister then she's not your identical twin.
Identical twins are monozygotic and always the same sex^

Any comment, OP?

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4thtwin Tue 31-Jan-23 17:59:19

Callistemon21

^A few weeks ago I pulled out one of my blue suits that had yellow stripes in it^
I don't think I'd go out with you if you dressed in that.

I have an identical twin and for years our mother dressed us alike until we were almost in high school
Well you didn't grow up having to dress like your sister for years all day every day so you don't understand

If your twin is a sister then she's not your identical twin.
Identical twins are monozygotic and always the same sex.

Try a bit harder next time, 4thtwin

I said that to mean that if my wife had to dress like her sister. Yes, we looked aliked and dressed alike for years and I've told my wife not to color coordinate with me like that because I don't like it but she does it anyway.

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Callistemon21 Tue 31-Jan-23 18:05:48

Howard and Hilda 😂

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CanadianGran Tue 31-Jan-23 18:24:24

4thwith, it sounds like you have more issues in your relationship than just cooking.

Time for a sit down to discuss things without anger with your wife, or ask your church for counselling. I think all relationships fall into a bit of a rut, and we get fed up with each other, but if the love and respect are still there, then it's worth working on.

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GrammyGrammy Tue 31-Jan-23 18:41:51

Without thinking about food or meal prep or taking turns at something- what is really going on here? You didn't mention anything about your relationship in general. Are you having fun times together? Following a shared interest? Or is she depressed and switched off and on her phone rather than talking with you? You are the foody and she hates it. But what else is really going on here in this marriage?

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BlueBelle Tue 31-Jan-23 18:52:32

Don’t get in a car with her if you know she s breaking the law and taking you’re life in her hands
Get a divorce
I think this is a wind up for sure

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MawtheMerrier Tue 31-Jan-23 18:54:37

4thtwin

Smudgie

Yes, I think a man is having a joke here and enjoying winding us up. It is indeed a very long winded post and I can visualise a couple of bored men sitting at a laptop having a good laugh at us grannies clutching our pearlsgrin

Trust me, this is no joke. I assure you all this is true.

And even right now we'e in the mix of an argument. We changed cell phone carriers last week (Thurs) and I got a brand new Samsung S22 Ultra and she got the iPhone 14. I had my phone for 3 days and Sunday the mother board in my phone crashed so I lost all my photos, contacts, and everything. Let me tell you I was livid so now I am without a phone until Samsung can possibly fix mine and of course AT&T doesn't have a replacement S22 Ultra at any store in our city. I'll be without a phone for a while. I was more upset that given the 3 days I was able to use the phone I was still logging back into my different apps and things and since I wasn't expecting the phone to crash 72 hours later I hadn't gotten to the point of logging back into Google photos to back up my pics. All my newest granddaughter's birth photos are now gone. Yes I was angry last night that the store nor Samsung seemed to care about all the data I lost but my wife took it that I was yelling at her. So now she wants to keep coming into the bedroom where my work station is located and she wants to talk about how I treated her last night. I told her I wasn't mad at her but I was mad at the situation but still she took it personal. Now my wife will always say how behind she is on her work but at any point in the day I can hear her in the kitchen doing Bingo games instead of working. If she's not doing a game she collecting money from people so that she can host the game hen she does get enough people to play. We watch the baby a few days a week but my wife loves to blame her being behind on work on the baby. She's almost 2 now and she just runs from room to room with me and my wife. She plays with her toys and we have her on schedule to feed and put her down for naps at certain times. However, my wife keeps coming into the bedroom where I am wanting to talk about last night. Look, between working hours we're employees and must work. We can discuss last night when we're both off work. Plus she has a big flat screen TV in the kitchen with her and she's always streaming Netflix or Hulu so that could be a reason she's behind on her work. My wife wants to blame everyone else for her lack of whatever.

We just have issues and the more I discuss them with her the more I'm coming across as a nag.

I have an identical twin and for years our mother dressed us alike until we were almost in high school. I made the decision then to never dress like or match anyone else. Now when I pull my clothes out for church on Sunday my wife will always pull out a matching dress so we can be color coordinated. A few weeks ago I pulled out one of my blue suits that had yellow stripes in it and within 10 minutes my wife pulled out her blue and yellow dress. I waited until she was dressed then I changed suits. She got angry with me saying I just don't want to match with her. Ive told her time and time again that we don't have to match our outfits but she refuses to listen to me. "I think it's cute." Well you didn't grow up having to dress like your sister for years all day every day so you don't understand.

My wife wants to go on vacation but she wants me to plan it. We just got back from TX a few weeks ago. I told her that if she really wants to o come up with a few places to go, places to stay, and some plan on how to pay for it and do you know she refuses to do that. She wants me to do all of that. I'm suppose to take "her" on vacation. "Honey, pack a bag and take a week off work, we're going to FL."

Last week her mom sent out a group text to say that our nephew, her sister's son, was having his baby, our great nephew, christened at their church and she wanted all of us to attend. I told my wife to see if they all wanted to go out to eat after church because I know how her mom is hen the family gets together especially for an occasion like that. She told me she wasn't going to do it because the minute she did her mom would expect her to plan it. How hard is it to get a group concensus on where everyone wants to eat and call the restaurant and put us down for 15 or 20 people at a certain time? My wife hates to do anything where someone could possibly criticize her over it.

TLDR

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Sago Tue 31-Jan-23 18:59:44

It’s a wind up!

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Elegran Tue 31-Jan-23 19:00:57

Is this thread still going?

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pascal30 Tue 31-Jan-23 19:08:00

Elegran

Is this thread still going?

Unfortunately yes. it's become really manic on the posters side!!

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Callistemon21 Tue 31-Jan-23 19:47:47

BlueBelle

Don’t get in a car with her if you know she s breaking the law and taking you’re life in her hands
Get a divorce
I think this is a wind up for sure

I wouldn't eat anything she's cooked either, especially if she sees this thread!

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Callistemon21 Tue 31-Jan-23 19:49:33

TLDR

I had to look that up
I'm such an ingénue

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Wyllow3 Tue 31-Jan-23 20:00:58

If its genuine, go seek help locally. Yes, you 4thtwin.

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BlueBelle Tue 31-Jan-23 20:09:19

What is it Callistemon after the roasting I got for asking what ND was I darent ask ?

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MawtheMerrier Tue 31-Jan-23 20:48:04

Too Long Didn’t Read 🤣

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