Grandfathers Are Important Too

It’s her child, not yours or your ex partners. If your ex has displayed behaviours to cause her to distance them from him then she is only protecting her child and nobody can blame her for that. It sounds like your ex made his bed and now needs to lie in it. Better to stay out of it and let the parents of the child make the decision of what is best for the child (it is not your place to say whether you think that decision is right or wrong)
If you interfere or try to push the situation, you may be faced with resentment from the child’s parents.
Have you asked the parents if it’s ok to share pictures and videos with your ex? You should because they are pics and videos of THEIR child. You shouldn’t share pics and videos of someone else’s child without checking it’s ok first

Liamjaik
Grandfathers are a vital element of the family unit and should be honored for their contributions.

No. Grandfathers are not vital anymore than anyone else - but a good grandfather is certainly a valuable asset to a family.

I grew up with no grandfather and never missed one. My father however was a great and loving grandfather to my children.
I can think of a couple of not-very "vital" grandfathers to be honest... and on this site we regularly hear of some not-so-great grandmothers too.

The value of a person to/in a family is entirely dependent on the person they are, not their position in the hierarchy or how exactly they are related.

In this case the child's grandfather has been sufficiently argumentative objectionable or out of order in some way to have been cut out.
Most of us would not do this without reason. It may be something that KeepitLight68 doesn't even know about.

*KeepitLight68" - you say
I feel like she will eventually "smother" the child by not allowing him (when he understands more of the world around him and sees the various relationships in his life) to make his own opinion about his grandfather. It is NOT for her to try and control it.
...Well, I don't understand two things here... I don't understand how this action is smothering and I don't understand how as a parent you are NOT the person to decide who your infant has a relationship with. Surely the parents (together) decide this.
I know we decided which adults had relationships with our children.

I’d be very curious as to what the previous arguments were about, and what about how your ex treats your son his wife.

No child deserves to witness their parents being disrespected or mistreated.

What is your DIL like? And, what were the run ins about? Is your ex a domineering person who has to have their own way? If so, I too would have a run in with them and keep them away. If, however, DIL is herself very controlling, your son will need to discuss this with the person who is helping him with the situation, both for his own future and the future of their child? Perhaps you could just stay in the background and listen in to get a good picture. As for being a go between, my cousin was like this and was a right pain.

What does your son want Keepitlight? I’m sick to death of all this talk of ‘parents’ which actually means ‘mothers’. I agree it’s for your son to sort it out but it sounds as if he needs some emotional support in a relationship where he is not being heard.

I'm glad you son is getting some help. I agree with others, "don't intervene".

I'm not sure about sharing the pix etc as we don't know enough but I'd be cautious, because above all you want to keep relationships with your son and DiL as good as possible and see your GSon.

I don’t think there’s anything you can do about this. It’s a sad situation but as others have said, it’s for your son to sort out. He is being controlled by his wife which is sad but it is the case. Your baby grandson is the one who is missing out, but if you interfere your grandson may be missing out on a relationship with you too.
My grandchildren adore their grandfather, my husband. They absolutely adore him. Your grandson is definitely missing out on this relationship but there’s nothing you can do about it.

This is for your son to sort out, in conjunction with his wife and his father.

Keep well out of it.

I had the father-in-law from hell, and I too wonder what these ''run-ins and 'the way he treats his son' are.
Do not say you fear she will 'smother' the child by not allowing him to see the grandfather, otherwise you too may be excluded.

It is NOT for her to try and control it. She is a parent and does have the right to control whom her child sees - just as we did as parents.

But if she and your son cannot agree about this then there is a problem - but it is not your problem to solve and you risk losing your own contact with GC if you interfere. I should just keep the lip zipped and do nothing.

Gosh liamjaik you think grandfathers should be "honoured "? And grandmothers?
I'm not expecting that from my family....
Why should that be?

Liamjaik Grandfathers are a vital element of the family unit and should be honored for their contributions.

Ridiculous.

Parents are vital, GP are extras for children, if the parents desire.

This thread is from 3 months ago

What odd ideas of family some people have. Whilst I totally agree that this grandmother should tread carefully or she may also be excluded, I think family means all members, including grandparents. Grandparents are not an add on extra if the parents feel magnanimous enough. Grandparents are a wonderful help and support to parents and their children, and yes, I think they are vital. I adored my grandparents, I only had two because the others died, but they were an integral part of my family and my growing up. They enriched my life and I thank God I had them and that my parents would no more have felt the need to control them by ‘allowing’ access as and when they felt like it that they would have thought of flying to the moon. Grandparents should be integral to the family and mine were. When we were in New Zealand recently and had almost complete care of our grandchildren in order to help their mother, our daughter, as her marriage disintegrated, the school told us how valuable we had been at such a difficult time for our beloved grandchildren by providing stability for them. The children love us to bits and we them. This woman is controlling her husband for God knows what reason and she is depriving her child of his grandfather because she can, and that’s just plain nasty in my opinion. Nonetheless this OP has no choice to obey, note the word obey, because that’s what she needs to do, if she wants to continue to see her grandchild. It is nasty when parents, usually in laws it seems, decide to use their children in this nasty and controlling way.

Incidentally if you had seen the way my adult children and their cousins cried and their real distress at the funerals of all four of their grandparents you would understand the vital part grandparents play in their grandchildren’s lives, and know how loved they were.
I’m shocked at the reactions of some on here who seem to think grandparents are some sort of an add extra if the parents deign to allow them any access.
I’m so glad my parents didn’t regard my grandparents in that way.

I'm shocked at the reactions of some on here who seem to think grandparents are some sort of an add extra if the parents deign to allow them any access it's sad isn't it maddy and goes some way to explaining why there are I think, two million grandparents estranged from their grandchildren in the UK.

Luckygirl3 She is a parent and does have the right to control whom her child sees - just as we did as parents.

Indeed. Your son's problem, not yours, don't meddle in their private life. This is not your problem to solve, in any way.

Dil is allowed her own opinions on her fil. Apparently she may not care for him. He can wait her out, quietly for as long as it takes.

Or the OP's son as the other parent of the child, who has just as much right to control who his child sees as the child's mother, could facilitate his father in seeing the child.

The child's mother doesn't have to see her f.i.l. or have any contact with him. She could also insist that the child is never left alone with her f.i.l. and her husband, the child's father, is always present.

Smileless2012

Or the OP's son as the other parent of the child, who has just as much right to control who his child sees as the child's mother, could facilitate his father in seeing the child.

The child's mother doesn't have to see her f.i.l. or have any contact with him. She could also insist that the child is never left alone with her f.i.l. and her husband, the child's father, is always present.

Of course.

Son's problem, if it is indeed a problem, to him, he can solve it.

**Of course.

Son's problem, if it is indeed a problem, to him, he can solve **

And that’s the thing: according to the OP, the son is seeking therapy. I suspect evaluating his wife’s concerns is a big part of it. So often, what we consider to be ‘normal’ we need to reassess when someone else holds up a mirror.

He may decide that no, his wife is overreacting and then navigate what comes next. Or he may decide that there IS a problem in his relationship with his father that needs to be addressed and repaired before anything else can happen.

All the OP (and her ex husband) can do is wait.

It would still be helpful to know what was happening that caused the arguments with the DIL and ex, though. Some things are deal breakers, some aren’t.

And, MercuryQueen it may be entirely his relationship with his father that he's trying to understand. His wife may simply be trying to protect him.

NotSpaghetti

And, MercuryQueen it may be entirely his relationship with his father that he's trying to understand. His wife may simply be trying to protect him.

Agreed. No way to know, just have to wait and see.

The daughter in law is really none of OP’s business. The value OP or the grandfather have is entirely dependent on the values of the parents. Some people value quality individual’s, regardless of blood relation. This FIL and the OP sound like obnoxious boundary stompers. The suggestion that the relation alone is vital to children implies that children who grow up without grandparents have lived deficient lives. That is foolishness. Don’t insult the millions of people who grow up just fine without grandparents.

If the father in law cannot control himself to be civil to the child’s mother, she has every right to make decisions for her child. Her husband can speak to her if he has a problem. But since it’s no one’s business, I assume that would stay between him and his wife. It’s not your place to lecture him about his wife. And frankly, the outcome of the OP’s marriage puts her decidedly outside of the realm of appropriate parties to address a relationship with this piece of work ex of hers.

The comments suggesting she is controlling because she is filtering who her child should be around are incredibly ignorant. None of you know this young woman from a hole in the wall. The son is in therapy. I can imagine being raised by the FIL being a big reason. He sounds like a bully who met his match in the DIL. Good for her. May she continue to put him in his place as her husband learns to stand up to him.

And frankly, the outcome of the OP’s marriage puts her decidedly outside of the realm of appropriate parties to address a relationship with this piece of work ex of hers

Bring divorced does not stop you both being parents and grandparents.

You will always be those things.🙄

Literally never said divorce stops people from being either of those things. And neither of those titles gives the OP or her ex any say in who this child gets to see. Being grandparents doesn’t make you an authority on anyone’s children or the relationships they should have.

Furthermore, being divorced from someone means there were clearly issues that necessitated a split. You don’t get to tell someone else who their child has a relationship with when you yourself couldn’t sustain your own with that individual. The DIL doesn’t have to put up with someone who disrespects her, especially when her only connection to that person her husband whom she views as being mistreated by that same individual. The grandchild has no relationships with anyone that don’t go through the parents. Looks like the OP and her ex would do well to understand that fact.

People who think they are owed relationships from adult offspring and their children after a lifetime of mistreatment are delusional. Looks like the wife is not willing to accept FIL treating her husband bad, unlike his own mother. Good for the young couple. They are doing the right thing.

It doesn't, but if families work together despite any arguments the adults might have, it can work out best for children.

Grandparents can enrich a child's life, in so many ways.

Always best to try.🙂