Cougars - not the four legged type

It 'could' work out just fine, but....definitely warn her of the pitfalls and ask her to see a lawyer about anything to do with money, estate etc & this man!!
'IF' she marries him, go for a pre-nup, and make a new will straight after so her son still gets his inheritance!!

Oh dear, this situation is getting worse. This lady is due to have a long awaited hip replacement in a few weeks time. She is concerned (naturally) as to how she is going to cope when back at home. Trying to arrange a care package but has been warned as to the shortage of these people. Thee is no way her son (with whom she is in contact) can take time off his job to care for her (not sure if she would want that in any way). Anyway, she has now sent money to this young man to pay for his visa and his flight for him to come over and live in her house for three months - he says he is happy to look after her post-operation!!!! Her son, hearing about this is furious - certain his Mum is allowing herself to be being scammed, flaming row and now he he, like his brother, states he will have nothing further to do with her. Very sad, his behavior is driving her further and further into the arms of this foreign young man.

I am trying to be as supportive as I can. I do not know her son(s). She is trying to pretend she does not care - but does!!! I have tried pointing out to her how the son feels and why he is so suspicious, but she will have none of that. Not sure if the visa will be granted.

Oh dear. And if the visa isn’t granted I doubt she will see her money back. If you were involved in what you saw as a romantic relationship with a much younger man would you really want him to be caring for you just after a hip replacement?

Exactly - you’re hardly at your most appealing after a hip operation so if the guy stays around for the three months after that then he may well be a keeper!

We have an elderly lady nearby who used to holiday in Turkey. She met a young man over there who was in his 30s and she was in her 70s. She is wealthy from family money.

She spent thousands getting him a visa, he got here and moved in but within weeks was chatting up all the young girls in the local shops etc. She encouraged him to find work but he was very lazy and didn’t bother. Then she had a knee replacement and he used to go out all day and visit other Turks and was no help.

I hear she has now had to pay him to clear off and not come back!

I had a long chat with my friend yesterday. I did give her warnings about marriage (regardless of her comments on Sharia Law), and she says she has no intention of marrying him.

However she then went on to tell me that she has given him him ex husbands old wedding ring, and when she is with him she wears hers, to make it easier for them to be together in a Muslim country!! She also told me that he (and she thinks it 'sweet') calls her 'his wife'. and introduces her to his friends, etc. in that way.

This concerns me now, as would there be any way he could use this to argue that he thought they were married (even though no ceremony had been undertaken - should she die), , and therefore go to court to claim her English will is no longer valid

I guess there’s no answer to that without knowing the law of his country, which probably none of us does, but it is worrying.

Fleurpepper

tickingbird

It’s the same old story. There have been many programmes on such relationships. When the young men concerned are from poor countries it is usually a way of either getting into the UK or sourcing money. I’m afraid your friend may be about to get her heart broken. I find it very sad.

His- he is gay.

This ISN'T a gay relationship.
The OP has said he and she multiple times.

It all sounds rather concerning. Does your friend have family members who can chat with her?

Shanie sadly not. She has actually fallen out with her son who has tried to advice her on this.

Franbern

I had a long chat with my friend yesterday. I did give her warnings about marriage (regardless of her comments on Sharia Law), and she says she has no intention of marrying him.

However she then went on to tell me that she has given him him ex husbands old wedding ring, and when she is with him she wears hers, to make it easier for them to be together in a Muslim country!! She also told me that he (and she thinks it 'sweet') calls her 'his wife'. and introduces her to his friends, etc. in that way.

This concerns me now, as would there be any way he could use this to argue that he thought they were married (even though no ceremony had been undertaken - should she die), , and therefore go to court to claim her English will is no longer valid

I don't think a UK court would recognise a marriage under Sharia Law as it could just constitute a declaration by them both in front of witnesses that they are husband and wife.
It sounds as if they have both done that..

However, I could not say whether or not a UK court would definitely not recognise such a marriage.

I am surprised he would consider being with a non-muslim woman, and wonder if he actually already married. He's no doubt delighted that he will be getting a house for his family..

It's all rather improbable in terms of a long term relationship..

I had a quick look online. Not exactly legal research, but best I can do. As Callistemon days, for a valid marriage abroad under Sharia law, the parties only have to declare they are married in front of two male witnesses, and such a marriage contracted abroad (not in the UK) will be recognised under English law. I assume that means the English will would be revoked. Does your friend realise how easily a valid Sharia law marriage can be contracted? Has she already done that? A physical relationship between unmarried people would be illegal under Sharia law but they seem to be lovers from what you say. As it would, as pascal says, not be usual for a Moslem man to have a relationship with a non-Moslem in Islamic countries, I can only think that he and his family have an ulterior motive. It’s sad that your friend has fallen out with her son over this - he seems to have far more common sense than she does.

OMG - so much now falls into place. She was out in Egypt where she met this man for about three months, with a couple of English female friends. When she came back, one of them informed her son that she was married and had been giving money to this young man.

Her son then had a go at his Mum, who told him that it was ridiculous to say she was married and her friends was just trying to make trouble because she was jealous. Obviously has no idea about the fact that she could well be married under Shariah law.

She denied having given any money - but as time has gone on has said she has given him cash for certain things, (putting roof on house, to get his driving licence, paying off a small debt.) Now back in Uk she has sent him money for a visa to come here, cash for plane ticket to come here (and i now suspect other small payments)_She sees it as helping him out, says she loves his family who is very welcoming to her (I bet).

Up to now I have felt the best support I could give her was to listen to her (and she does talk about it endlessly), and that provided UK house and money was protected, then not much harm could be done.

It was only yesterday she came out about these wedding rings and told me how he calls her his wife.
and
Now, I am concerned........and not quite sure what I should be doing. She so wants to believe that she has it right and there is a real relationship between her and this man forty years her junior. She is unhappy and lonely = see her future as being able to spend four to five months each year in his country = even the fact that he has now given up his job (to work on the building work at his families house!!) is not ringing any alarm bells as she does not want to hear them. She wants to set him up in his own shop, where , when she is in the country she sees herself spending the time assisting him. She wants to buy a small flat there to stay in those months each year she is thee and for him to live on/look after the rest of the time.

When I next see her, I will need to (very carefully) broach this thing about shariah law marriages It seems as if her friends had it pretty correct when she reported about the marriage. And, that is why this young man refers to her as his wife. I do not want to burst her bubble - not sure if she will even believe me.

Egypt is one of the countries that allows polygamy, so it would be possible for him to marry for money and also take a younger wife if he hasn't already. Maybe she knows all this already and is still willing to go ahead..

Perhaps the best you can do is to advise her to make a new will benefiting her children as possibly the existing one is no longer valid. I would also suggest giving her children power of attorney but it may be best not to mention that in case she gives it to this man.

I don't know what you can do, Franbern as she seems determined and is not listening to the voices of reason from you or her sons.

I wouldn't say she is a cougar, a cougar would be well aware of the pitfalls of such a relationship and savvy, but your friend sounds as if she has naïvely fallen into the trap that other lonely women fell into.

There are reports of others who have seen the folly of this, perhaps you could show her but she may have to find out the hard way, unfortunately.

It's not just women who are targeted, older men can fall victim too.

Think I will advice her to update her will. So, it will be dated later than any date of what may have been a shariah marriage. Thanks GSM.

It is difficult I have only known her a short time. One son she has been estranged from for a long time, do not know the reasons behind that, although she does have some sort of relationship with that sons' two children. The second son, she has only fallen out with in the last few weeks due to his concern about this relationship with this boy. (Sorry, to me a 30-year is not much more than a boy!!!). I does seem that the more people try to ward her about what is happening, the more she tries to convince herself as to how genuine it all is.

She IS lonely, does repeat this often. She want someone to be attentive to her and give her loving company. I suppose we all want that to some degree, but she feels she gets it from him. He contacts her three times each day and she loves that (to me that in itself is a little wierd and suspicious).

Provided she can properly protect her home in UK and any money she has from him as she want that to go to her g.children on her death, then if she can get a year or two of this 'affection' cannot see the harm in it.

I agree there is no point shaming her or telling her she is being unreasonable, especially as she sounds needy. The advicr to concentrate on the practical issues [her will and possessions] is spot on.

Maybe you could point her in the direction of AgeUK who have a useful section on scams/being scammed.
She sounds lonely if she believes that this is a loving relationship with someone in another country who she has never physically met.
But ultimately it is her money and her life but a fool and his/her money are soon parted.

swampy, do read the thread!

Swampy your comments are totally irrelevant. You have not read the thread, and have jumped in very late thinking you know the background which is totally incorrect.

Many thanks to GSM who has really helped with advice about the legalilities.

Thanks Fran. Anything I can do. If only people would read all the posts before wading in.

Well, I thought swampy's advice about suggesting the friend looks at the Age UK site was quite helpful.

However, the friend is not going to take any notice of anyone, she is flattered that a younger man finds her attractive and is blinded by love.

She'll probably accuse you of being jealous, Franbern!

Callistemon - But this is NOT the case of someone being scammed by someone she has never met. My friend has indeed met and been with this young man for some time, and met his parents and extended family, been to his home, etc. etc. She is working hard at the moment in trying to get a visa for him to come here for an extended visit.

It is nothing to do with a fool and his money etc. (rather a nasty mantra). It is (I now believe), with whether or not she is 'married' to him under Sharia law - and if so, how this effects the property and money she has in UK which, she thinks, is safeguarded under the terms of her Will here.

Do not think she will accuse me of jealousy - I am ten years older than her, am fortunate, that I have good relations with all my five AC and many g.children, and am obviously for all to see very happy with my life. She did accuse the friend she had been away with who she knew was also 'interested' in this young man.

However, we all know that it is difficult for anyone to admit they may have been wrong in any situation - and she so desperately wants this situation to be totally above board. I have given a lot of consideration as to how I will approach this matter of the Sharia marriage to her - and hopefully I will get it right, enough to warn her, without alienating her.