Difficult husband, any advice please?

Redsally

Thank you so much everyone, I’m taking all your comments and building some support for myself. I’m overwhelmed by how lovely you all are. I’ve done this so long it feels almost normal but I know I have to make the change or stay here sad forever and the clocks ticking! Thank you again I appreciate you all so much

Wishing you the best outcome Redsally... I hope we've given you the impetus to change your life. You deserve better than this.

Perhaps it's the start of dementia. My elderly mother became quite embarrassing. Never nasty but she never thought before she spoke. She made racist comments to carers, insulted one carer who was overweight and so on. I used to dread what she would say next. It's very difficult unless you can talk to your husband and explain how you feel. However, IMO, I think men are difficult in one way or another whatever their age which isn't much help.

You don’t have to live like this. You’ve a right to your own life and freedom. I’ve been divorced for about 6 years now, was with my ex for nearly 30. Not easy to start from scratch in your late 50s - as I was at the time - but it can be done, and many women have done it into their 60s and even older. Ask yourself what you really want - and then start making it happen. All the best.

I’m 72 so one of the start overs late in life.

It will help if your AC support you, but don’t involve them in making the decision. Their trouble lies as their dad is still their Dad. Tell them as soon as you have started the process off: your husband may try to manipulate them onto ‘sides’.
My advice is also to keep any evidence of manipulation/threats: sound record, keep texts letters notes. Keep your dignity: try not to get involved in arguments.

Supportive friends are good; but my Ex had prevented me having close friends that’s why I went to a counselor. However my DS wasn’t his son: that was a last marriage: and after DS and especially DiL had experienced him first hand at his worst, there was full support there.

If you really don’t want to separate or divorce for whatever reason. Don’t let him ruin your relationships with family or friends make arrangements without him. You really do need to point out in no uncertain terms he is ignorant rude and obnoxious. Don’t let him intervene and blame you if that’s what he usually does.
Speak to your family and friends openly about it be honest don’t be embarrassed about it. He may well have a mental problem but will be in denial tell him to seek medical advice.

My DH is pretty much the same and I did once ask for advice on here.
I got the same rash of stupid answers telling me to leave him. Please STOP, its not about OP's relationship - the question is about dealing with her husband's rudeness. If she wants marriage advice I'm sure she'll ask.

That's not what she wants to hear and its a silly thing to say to a couple who have had a relationship long enough to produce a daughter of 'boyfriend age'.

My daughter brought a delightful boy home who was very overweight. They did eventually marry and have a son and are happy. She arranged for him to come to meet me first and together we explained about DH's 'problem' to new boyfriend so that when we did have the 'formal' meet the family tea he was ready for the impolite remarks about his weight. DD was ready for him too and told him in no uncertain terms that weight was off the agenda. DH hardly said a word through the visit.
He won't change, and will get worse - we've been married 63 years, and i do a lot of eye rolling and face-pulling when we're with friends - and they all know what he's like and I've stopped being embarrassed.

If he's become noticeably more disinhibited recently the it would be useful to get a MH assessment for dementia.. However if he is behaving like this deliberately to be obnoxious and doesn't care about you and your family's reactions and feelings then I would seriously consider leaving him.. or should I say him leaving your home by getting a divorce. You cannot be expected to live in a situation where you can't comfortably have family and friends visit you.. we need a good social life even more as we get older. I hope you resolve this horrible situation

ExDancer

My DH is pretty much the same and I did once ask for advice on here.
I got the same rash of stupid answers telling me to leave him. Please STOP, its not about OP's relationship - the question is about dealing with her husband's rudeness. If she wants marriage advice I'm sure she'll ask.

That's not what she wants to hear and its a silly thing to say to a couple who have had a relationship long enough to produce a daughter of 'boyfriend age'.

My daughter brought a delightful boy home who was very overweight. They did eventually marry and have a son and are happy. She arranged for him to come to meet me first and together we explained about DH's 'problem' to new boyfriend so that when we did have the 'formal' meet the family tea he was ready for the impolite remarks about his weight. DD was ready for him too and told him in no uncertain terms that weight was off the agenda. DH hardly said a word through the visit.
He won't change, and will get worse - we've been married 63 years, and i do a lot of eye rolling and face-pulling when we're with friends - and they all know what he's like and I've stopped being embarrassed.

Well clearly the OP isn't as exercised by the replies she's had as you are, because she's expressed her gratitude at the response!

If you present a relationship problem within a marriage here on GN and ask for advice then it's inevitable that some of that advice will be to question whether you want to continue with such a marriage. Especially if your partner is gaslighting you, blaming you for his own failures, and refusing to discuss or change his behaviour.

You've found a way of dealing with similar behaviour, but that doesn't mean that everyone can or will want to do the same as you.

I'm sure the OP will reflect on the replies she's had and make up her own mind - as people generally do. However, she appears to have appreciated the different responses, so I don't think you can say that "it's not what she wants to hear". I would assume she simply wanted to hear what others thought.