DH’s friend made a pass at me, should I let it it go?

I just ignore them totally or fix them with a basilisk stare and turn away. Then I forget the whole incident. Why give them the pleasure of knowing you are taking any notice of the silly old fools.

I used to go to a daytime cinema for seniors. I once ended up sitting next to a man I’d sat next to before and made the comment in just a matter of fact way. However not much later he asked if he could hold my hand. I said no in a rather shocked way but couldn’t help thinking later that perhaps he was just sad and lonely. Anyway we both just watched the film quietly.

Unwanted touching is just that. Nobody should have to excuse it or ignore it. A sharp, “Don’t touch me!” often has the person scuttling away.

I loathe when women are told to be nice, he was just being friendly, etc. No. Our bodies aren’t public property, and we should never have to tolerate someone putting their hands on us without our consent.

I also dislike the, “It wasn’t sexual!” First, I sincerely doubt he’d have done it to another man, so there IS an element of sexuality to it. Second, why does it have to be sexual to not want someone putting their hands on you? Women should be able to say no and have it respected, without anyone excusing the unwanted behaviour.

As for him being a university lecturer what’s that got todo with it, a top Uni law lecturer I once had the misfortune of living near is residing in a prison for a long sentence for raping underage girls over a long period of time
Degrees, fame or intelligence have NOTHING to do with being a decent person

I wouldn’t describe it as ‘making a pass’.

In future, I would make sure I wasn’t stood near him though.

My old boss had a horrible husband who used to come into work and press us ladies against the wall until one day my colleague caught in his trap tipped her hot coffee down his front he never tried that on again

Oh for Heavens sake!

Oh dear. It’s obviously been a long time since you’ve had a real pass made at you, you can’t tell the difference a real one and an old man acting slightly inappropriately.

Definitely not a ‘pass’, just an old man trying to be ‘funny’ .

If he gets near to you again, just warn him out loud not to do anything silly, as you would a child.

If you want to tell your husband, just say to him that his friend needs to keep his hands to himself as tickling isn’t something you enjoy.

However, if he ever touches you in a sexual way, call him out very loudly in front of everyone when he does it, don’t wait.

Why do decrepit old men even think we might be interested? At the football ground I had one old boy who, egged on by his mate, grabbed me saying ‘give us a kiss’. I shoved him away and told him to get off. I always avoided being within several yards of him after that.

Doesn’t it remind you of Norah Batty and Compo?

kircubbin2000

You're over reacting. I used to take out an 80 year old to various things and he always wanted to hug me goodbye and even suggested going on holiday together! Keep out of his reach next time. Many older men are like this.

That does not make it okay!

It's always difficult to tell whether this is inappropriate behaviour due to changes in the brain or simply the personality of the person.

I suggest the OP assumes the first. I would go for a slightly schoolmarmish "no touching, thankyou Xxx" and move slightly away. Easy for me to say after the event and with thinking time, but the OP shouldn't have to continue dealing with this. It may also save him from embarrassment with others in the future if the message gets through.

This old chap dates back to the times when it was unbelievably considered OK for men to touch women or comment on their bodies out loud.
He obviously hasn’t moved on and I dread to think how many poor students he must have groped in his time.

You are forewarned now so should be ready with an appropriate reaction if it happens again.

If it bothers (bothered) you, react accordingly should it happen again.

Otherwise shrug it off, both literally and figuratively.

PS Would you have thought it was a "pass" at you if a woman had done what the man did? Just curious 🙂

‘Should I let it go?’ Yes.

What’s the alternative?

PPS What does your DH think?

Morning, FC 👋

‘Morning Baggs

It depends entirely on whether this man attempts to touch you inappropriately again. You moved away speedily when he touched you which should have sent him a clear message; if he attempts similar again you are prepared and can make loud comments drawing (everyone's) attention to his behaviour.

That said, I don't like the assumption that because he made a heavy-handed attempt at flirtation in his old age he must 'have groped many poor students in his time'.

It was intimate touching tho. I too wondered "the beginnings of dis-inhibition dementia. But that's still no reason to tolerate it.
Trouble is its one of those situations where you think of lots of good responses afterwards, because imo a pretty sharp one was called for.

It's never OK to touch a woman uninvited like that. From now on I'd give him a frosty stare and if he does it again, a very robust response.

If he really does have the beginnings of dementia, he may well have forgotten, so its a play it by ear and..the robust response if repeated.

If the group self-organised or is there a facilitator or organiser? If it happens again then there may be recourse via that route.

A few years ago after a party hubby and his friend were escorting his cousin and me home on a dark night. The friend managed to put his hand inside my bra and the cousin later told me his other hand was in hers. I don't know why neither of us said anything but when we told hubby he said we must have been mistaken as friend would never have done that on purpose! Again a well respected manager.

Life is too short! Forget it.

just hit him on the head with your handbag if he tries it again!!

i can understand that some women get upset at this sort of thing but maybe it is just me that does not bother and i can give as good as i get, a man in the supermarket needing help and wanting to give me a good time was told, i will need to bring my friend with the batteries, an elderly neighbour who said i had a dirty laugh and offering me a night of passion i told him he could not handle me and workmen calling me sweetheart i call them darling and tell them i don't think they would be up for the job anybody who get's hands on is told in a whisper if they do that again they will be wearing there balls for earing's. i am a 59 year old granny and i am not going let any man embarrass me or try to make me feel uncomfortable, op if it happens again tell him loudly to keep his hands to himself or say, my husband would not be happy with you doing that, don't be upset with this silly old fool.

nexus63

i can understand that some women get upset at this sort of thing but maybe it is just me that does not bother and i can give as good as i get, a man in the supermarket needing help and wanting to give me a good time was told, i will need to bring my friend with the batteries, an elderly neighbour who said i had a dirty laugh and offering me a night of passion i told him he could not handle me and workmen calling me sweetheart i call them darling and tell them i don't think they would be up for the job anybody who get's hands on is told in a whisper if they do that again they will be wearing there balls for earing's. i am a 59 year old granny and i am not going let any man embarrass me or try to make me feel uncomfortable, op if it happens again tell him loudly to keep his hands to himself or say, my husband would not be happy with you doing that, don't be upset with this silly old fool.

I wouldn't bring in "my husband wouldn't like it" because that's hiding behind yet another man and in a way irrelevant.

The danger in that is that is signalling it might be OK if a husband wasn't around.

Unacceptable behaviour is unacceptable behaviour.