DH’s friend made a pass at me, should I let it it go?

...to add..there are ways of signalling "appreciating" another person be it man or woman without groping or innuendo.

Seems like a minor incident in the light of reported behaviour from the Dalai Lama today. Allegedly asking a child to suck his tongue.

I sometimes wonder about those who excuse this sort of behaviour; would they feel the same if the old goat was 'tickling' their grandaughter?

I think it's very possible this is a sign of dementia. It's quite common with both women and men as dementia sets in unfortunately.

Yes, on several posters thoughts, but its likely the O/P would have known of other symptoms, not just this incident, she introduced him to us as a friend of her husbands. Still calls for a robust response but appropriate.

sodapop

Seems like a minor incident in the light of reported behaviour from the Dalai Lama today. Allegedly asking a child to suck his tongue.

That was most peculiar and unexpected, as was the formal response to the incident.

I’m also with Dickens and Ladyleftfieldlover. It’s high time men learned that we women aren’t objects to be pawed at whenever the fancy takes them. The more women stay quiet, the more men think such behaviour is acceptable. It isn’t.

If he had dug his fingers in me he would have felt my elbow (which is extremely boney) somewhere rather sensitive.

I didn't see the response pascal30 what did they say ? It was indeed peculiar.

sodapop

Seems like a minor incident in the light of reported behaviour from the Dalai Lama today. Allegedly asking a child to suck his tongue.

Yes, this was disgusting!!! Yuk!! I saw the photos online, and feel very disappointed in the Dalai Lama as I previously had a lot of respect for him.

Yes I was disappointed as well Sparklefizz quite a shock coming from the Dalai Lama.

sodapop

I didn't see the response pascal30 what did they say ? It was indeed peculiar.

They said he was being innocent and playful.. it's most unfortunate and weird isn't it?

I wouldn’t necessarily tell DH, but I have in the past made it clear I object and I would have told the gent in question that I didn’t like being touched inappropriately.
If you don’t tell them, they never know they’ve done anything wrong. If it is the onset of dementia then I’m sorry, but I would still say “don’t do that”.

Startingover61

I’m also with Dickens and Ladyleftfieldlover. It’s high time men learned that we women aren’t objects to be pawed at whenever the fancy takes them. The more women stay quiet, the more men think such behaviour is acceptable. It isn’t.

Count me in the ‘call it out as it happens’ group. I’m reminded of something I read a while back about a bloke putting his hand on a lady’s thigh at a dinner party. She grabbed the offending hand, held it up and asked if anyone had lost a hand.

I'm afraid I'm a bit blunter than a lot of you. We have one in our village who gets up as close behind you and as he is small he sort of walks under your blossom. The last time he did it I just looked right down at him and told him to stop being a dirty old bugger and a pervert. His wife heard and hurriedly pulled him out of the coffee morning.
Why should age give them the right to do what they like to women? It's because they know we usually don't retaliate.

I don't think it necessary qualifies as "a pass", more inappropriate behaviour. However, passive acceptance on your part may be seen as a message that such behaviour is "ok", which I would guess is the exact opposite of what you feel. I think I'd just let it pass on this occasion, but if it happens again I'd let him know in no uncertain terms that it's not acceptable.

Thanks pascal30 even the explanation sounds odd to me.

The claim that the Dalai Lama was being "innocent and playful" makes me think of men who say something inappropriate and then declare that it's banter. It's an excuse which puts the onus back onto the person complaining.

My mum's partner of 15 years began doing this to younger women and other uninhibited things my mum wasn't at all keen on at 85! We were very concerned about his change of behaviour, and thought maybe he was starting with dementia, so had a word with his daughter. Her husband actually said "well you should forgive his little foibles, after all he hasn't raped you"!

Things became worse - in the end she wasn't sleeping, as he was up and down all night, doing heaven knows what, he stared playing 'mind games', such as hiding her rings and then finding them in a funny place and blaming it all on her etc. She then spotted him taking what looked like pills, and found an envelope in his car with kisses all over it addressed to him. Eventually she was so paranoid with no sleep, and so terrified of him that she went next door and her neighbour asked him to leave. Since she has come to live near me in the south, her neighbour keeps seeing him in the area, dressed as though he is trying to be incognito, staring at her old house. Had his daughter done the right thing and listened, and got him to the GP, she would have supported him, but it just became untenable. He was like my dad; my children saw him as their granddad - it was horrible, and we all miss the man that he was ... so sad.

Sparklefizz

The claim that the Dalai Lama was being "innocent and playful" makes me think of men who say something inappropriate and then declare that it's banter. It's an excuse which puts the onus back onto the person complaining.

Yes I agree.. it's very disturbing

Hardly sexual surely! Let it go unless you want to risk the possibility of causing upset where it isn’t necessary - be different if it keeps happening .

Margomar: you let it go this time because you were quite uprepared for it to happen. If it happens again, ask him nicely to keep his hands to himself.

It was probably meant as a compliment, so treat it as such.

If he keeps on doing it you will need to be blunter.

Many years ago, at a party in the St. Andrew's Society in Copenhagen that is a club for Scots abroad and Danes who love Scotland, I heard my usually well mannered sister say so loudly the whole room heard her: "Will you tak' your haund aff ma erse!" (Will you take your hand off my arse!) She apologised to our father afterwards, saying she had already requested the man to move his hand twice, before falling back on Glaswegian.

Last summer I dealt with a couple of unwanted invitations to coffee from men in their seventies (my age-group) at the local dump where they and I were off-loading garden rubbish by saying, "Why don't you drop in at our place (address mentioned)? My husband will be pleased to meet you." Needless to say, they never availed themselves of my invitiation.

A little finesse goes a long way.

I used to belong to a group where one of the men was known to be "handsy" (the way it was described to me when I joined!). When he put his arm round me I fixed him with a hard cold stare and said very loudly "I'd like you to stop touching me now" - he never came near me again

Lost sense of humour alert! The answer is to laugh. If it was a joke you laugh together, if it wasn’t he’ll be humiliated.

Inappropriate sexual behaviour can be a sign of early dementia. Just a thought.