Finding contentment

I know what you mean. I have never felt contented with life and always looking for something else. I have step granddaughters who I love but don’t see that often plus they are hinting about emigrating to Australia so I daren’t get too close. My own daughter has chosen not to have children and I respect this.
At 72 I have decided to go for therapy to deal with my issues. Maybe some outside help would benefit you and help you decide what is best fir you. Good luck!

Love your poem NanaDana
It's hard to fill that gap, OP, but I find it helps to think determinedly about what I'm grateful for. Three things in the morning, three at night. Spirituality (whatever your beliefs) is invaluable, too. And meditation can really change your perspective

I know exactly what you mean !!!

Sounds to me as though you already have everything including many years ahead if your health is okay. You are so much more fortunate than most!!!.

Love your post nanadana ... I'm 70 and didn't realise I felt a bit the same ,just drifting into older age but have recently taken over the care of my partners 88 year old dad who has dementia ....I visit him 3 mornings a week makes me get dressed and out . I walk 15 mins to his house spend a few hours with him,take him shopping ,clean, keep him company whatever he needs ...I ring him on the days I don't go and others pop in .. still babysit when needed ,dog sit too when kids on holiday or long days at work ...but still enjoy my free time with my friends .Days out ,still have a holiday once a year in the sun ....something to look forward to, something to plan for . Make the most of my health, while I can, you don't know what's round the corner as we get older .
Everyday is a new day we have to make the most of them ....if I want to have a lazy TV ,reading ,doing very little day I can ...with age comes freedom .

Spot on Nanaadana love the post!

I was in your situation just over a year ago and went to a counsellor. She suggested I start a diary/list of all the things that gave me joy and then to pursue them. i.e. cake making and decorating. I spend a lot of time baking cakes, decorating them and going to any local workshops/evening classes to do with baking and decorating. I take photos of my creations and put them in a scrap book with all the details and date them. It is a great pleasure to look back over a year and see what you have actually done and, indeed, you are validating yourself. You could perhaps divide your activities into creative, active (walking/yoga), philanthropic (knitting blankets for Project Linus), and play to whatever your strength is. If I feel myself sliding into old ways, I choose one of my activities go out and do it and then diarise about it instead of each day of ones life being swallowed up into the black hole of the past.

nanadana - lovely poem

On the question of owning a dog again. My elderly pooch is such a comfort to me, and her needs are something I cannot put off or ignore and keep me busy. Have you thought of fostering? There are so many lovely dogs out there who are desperately in need of tlc and your local rescue centre will be able to help and advise. You can usually also volunteer to help with the walking and meet other volunteers. Just a thought. WE need to be needed!

I understand, I have no purpose ... and it kills me, BUT I'm not in the same position as you at all. I am sick & disabled, just lost my daughter to suicide, and poor. I am afraid to leave the house on my own except to go to my 'safe' places, of which there are few - my mums, the doctors, the dentist, and local shop on occasion. My mobility is very poor. The thought of 'walking into a group' horrifies me, and I would love to do some volunteering, but as I am unwell, a lot, I would hate it if someone were to rely on me doing something, and I wasn't able to go - would cause me even more unhappiness. I am able to do some baby sitting of my granddaughters, 3 and 5, but basically only in an afternoon early evening - before then I am wobbly and not quite with it, and after then I have taken my 20 odd tablets and they wouldn't be safe with me. As it is at the moment, my house isn't even safe for them to be in - stuff everywhere as I wait for someone to do jobs for me when they have time, as I cannot afford to pay anyone to do them. I wish I had friends to go out and about with, but when you aren't able to do anything what do you have to talk about other than your health, which is boring! It's taken just over 20 years and 24 surgeries to get where I am today, and year after year the friends drop off, especially when you become unable to work. I understand where you are coming from *lippyqueen, but it could be far worse ...

Think about having another dog - they NEVER replace the one you've lost, but they do fill a different place in your heart, and that one will become very special to you too .... it's my dogs that are keeping me alive and not following my daughter to a place where I he she has found some peace.

I didn't like this .... "I can never understand this motivation of having to be "useful" to others" Try not being, it's not all it's cracked up to be!

Your job as a parent was to bring your children up to have a good moral compass and be independent. You have done that so you are not needed, it is better to be wanted than needed.

You do not have to be of use to anybody, maybe you feel that people will only want to be with you if you are useful to them, that does not sound healthy.

Susieq62 I’ve pm’d you.

Look for local voluntary work. Perhaps smaller, local organisations may suit you better than the larger well known ones. And it’s a great way of meeting new people.

I do agree with those who say what a comfort a dog is.

When I read this, I was just bemoaning the fact that I have to go out to look after my DD rather than sort out my unwanted clothes for the church which I have promised to do. My daughter lives alone (apart from her beloved dogs) and is ill today with one of her recurrent chest infections. She has respiratory problems and suffers from poor mental health. She needs to be better for work tomorrow; she is a recruitment consultant. So it’s a nip to the small supermarket over the road, a scout of my freezer and cupboard contents before I go as she finds it hard to make ends meet right now and says she doesn’t have much in. I will take her shopping next week as I often do to stock her up for a while. Last week I spent a great deal of time with my other DD who has four children; the eldest is autistic. As we are having a great deal of trouble with her schooling (her school is hopeless and her case worker not much better) we are struggling and there is a lot of paperwork to do and contacts to deal with. Additionally her youngest has global developmental delay due to her extreme prematurity and at three is a handful. My son is having trouble with the latest written assignment of his MSc in physiotherapy so I have been at his flat too being used as a sounding board! Sometimes I get down, living alone as I do after divorce from a difficult partner. I feel lonely and useless and worried for my children-all so different from when I was young and never bothered my parents with my troubles! I long for the peace, contentment and happy times that I thought might come in older age. Then I have to remind myself of all that is good in my life now and that at least I have the ability to help my children to navigate the problems in theirs although I can’t solve them.

I am a lot older than you and I am ok with my being old and getting older - I think it is to do with accepting the reality that we get older and life does come to an end for us all. I know many people do not like to think about death, but I have found that accepting that it will happen one day - who knows when - is a more peaceful place to be. It also helps you really focus on good things in your life - appreciate small things as well as large ones - live in the moment is really good place to be.
A really powerful thing to do and I highly recommend it - is to write a gratitude diary every day. It need not take long - but in the evening write three things you are grateful for today, and why you are grateful. It might be hearing a bird sing, or someone smiling at you in the supermarket - it does not have to be a Big Thing. Also in the morning, spend a little time writing about what you are grateful for which is likely to happen in the day ahead. This sounds simple and you may wonder if it is worth doing - but I promise you that there have been lots of studies of people writing gratitude diaries and it having a really significant impact on their lives. I read somewhere 'you cannot be both depressed and grateful' - I don't think you are depressed, but a gratitude diary would, I believe, make a huge difference to you. I wish you well.

Lippyqueen I live by the following and I can't remember who said it although I should.

'Growing up is compulsory, growing old is optional.'
I know there a re a lot of injustices in the world but there are lots of interesting things to do. Currently, I'm clearing out my garden and sorting all the things I've been meaning to do and never had time. I've just recently retired and life seems full of possibilities. Just find what makes you happy and do it.

I am quite enjoying not doing very much at all these days.
I spent my life working hard, bringing up kids, working, helping at school events, volunteering for 16 years and then 5 years with a charity working with older people who are socially isolated. I spent 16 years looking after my elderly Mum whilst working part time and to be honest those years just went in a blur!

Now if I want to I stay in bed with a cuppa and a book and read until I want to get up. I do housework when I want to, I shop when I want to. I meet friends and they range from 40-92 and they are all great company. I have very different friends - those I went to school with, former colleagues, people I met when caring for my Mum, knitting friends, village friends etc.

Husband is almost retired so if we want we go for a drive and have some lunch and a walk. If we feel in the mood we might do some jobs in the garden or go and tend my parents grave.
A friend and I run the village FB page and that keeps us both very busy, we have over 2,500 members and they all have a lot to say!

I was recently asked to go on the Parish Council and thought about it for a nano second and said no because for the first time in my life I do what I want, when I want and I don’t have to be around people I would rather not.

I think OP, if you have your health and a few bob just do what you want when, you want. 😉

Love the poem, sums up life beautifully
Although we have problems in this country they are nothing compared to life elsewhere

Perhaps talk to your local primary school about being a volunteer reader? It is very fulfilling hearing children's confidence grow - and they look forward to seeing you too x

luckygirl3 re aging - you hit my (dark humour) funny bone with that response!

Susieq62

I know what you mean. I have never felt contented with life and always looking for something else. I have step granddaughters who I love but don’t see that often plus they are hinting about emigrating to Australia so I daren’t get too close. My own daughter has chosen not to have children and I respect this.
At 72 I have decided to go for therapy to deal with my issues. Maybe some outside help would benefit you and help you decide what is best fir you. Good luck!

I hope you've told your SGC that you would miss them? It's important to make the most of time that you can have with them, surely?

Hello Lippy. I haven't actually had time to read all the posts but want to reply to you anyway as I have 'been there and got the t-shirt' and am in my eighties now.
At your age I was living a similar life to yours - adult children living their own happy lives but far away, and a second partner, my children's father having died young. And I did go through a phase of feeling unnecessary or unwanted. But that passes. There's a huge joy in seeing your children successful and happy in their chosen lives, and your grandchildren then starting out on their own lives. Up until about 18 months ago I still had my uses (as taxi driver once babysitting was no longer required) but then I realised I wasn't happy driving after dark, so I had to stop that. So yes, I have had my moments of feeling that life is passing me by and that the family are in some sort of parallel universe!
But I think the only way to really find contentment is to be content with what IS and accept things as they are. There's a natural progress through the different stages of life - I think you're at a transition stage between two stages and change, in whatever way it manifests, is always difficult. Someone once told me to 'adopt an attitude of gratitude' and it was the best advice I have ever been given. After all, NOW is all we have along with lots of lovely memories (and regrets - we're human after all!). I hope this helps x

Primrose53

I am quite enjoying not doing very much at all these days.
I spent my life working hard, bringing up kids, working, helping at school events, volunteering for 16 years and then 5 years with a charity working with older people who are socially isolated. I spent 16 years looking after my elderly Mum whilst working part time and to be honest those years just went in a blur!

Now if I want to I stay in bed with a cuppa and a book and read until I want to get up. I do housework when I want to, I shop when I want to. I meet friends and they range from 40-92 and they are all great company. I have very different friends - those I went to school with, former colleagues, people I met when caring for my Mum, knitting friends, village friends etc.

Husband is almost retired so if we want we go for a drive and have some lunch and a walk. If we feel in the mood we might do some jobs in the garden or go and tend my parents grave.
A friend and I run the village FB page and that keeps us both very busy, we have over 2,500 members and they all have a lot to say!

I was recently asked to go on the Parish Council and thought about it for a nano second and said no because for the first time in my life I do what I want, when I want and I don’t have to be around people I would rather not.

I think OP, if you have your health and a few bob just do what you want when, you want. 😉

I feel much as you do Primrose53, I don't feel the need to fill every waking hour with things to do. There is nothing wrong with idleness in your retirement! However I can quite see that if you have lost your partner you might need more company and more to fill your day to "find contentment" as the OP put it.

I love NanaDana's poem, it reminds you to be grateful and accept where you are now. I, too belong U3A, a book club, swim and go Aquafit to help keep my back strong. All these create social friends who share their ideas, anecdotes, feelings, misgivings as well as their health and emotional struggles, sharing is caring. Feel the fear and do it anyway.