Husband and DIL don’t get along so we don’t visit our son or grandchildren

My daughter has a personality disorder which sometimes makes her difficult to deal with and will sometimes say inappropriate things in front of young ears. She can't seem to help herself and it is distressing so I understand your angst. My husband found it very difficult to deal with and although he kept his mouth tightly shut, I know my daughter was not unaware of his disapproval mainly because she would hurt my feelings.
I have found it much easier to keep them apart so that I have a relationship with my daughter and her children which I can manage on the terms that work. I have done a lot of reading and realise that her anxiety about things that most of us don't even think about, make her explosive and actually, she hates herself afterwards. Not dismissing her fears but being understanding make it much easier even though inside I am sometimes screaming, "Really?" Sometimes walking away but still being friendly makes the difference too. Trying to resolve something when somebody is on high alert is almost bound to fail. Trying to get somebody to trust your good intentions when they distrust the world doesn't make an easy relationship but escalating it by arguing the toss is also doomed to fail.

Very good comment icanhandthemback.

Thank you Delila.

Delila, Thank you for your post. Some of the situation you describe, particularly involving the children inappropriately and the impossibility of trying to talk something out when the other person is mistrustful, made sense. I admire your approach. Certainly arguing doesn’t help.

SporeRB Thank you for your post. When his father assumed full time care for his son, his biological mother agreed and his son also asked to live with his father. The situation had become dangerous for his son, who had been left with his brother without his mothers care. She was heavily involved with heavy use of cocaine and alcohol. We saw this directly ourselves. After he came to live with us, she showed no interest in him. Now she is back in his life part time, and hopefully sober. I am glad, especially for my sons children, who have a Nana. We say nothing bad about her to the GC, our son or DIL. If she has influenced our DIL against us, at least I know what we did was right, and we know our son loves us.

I think several people asked why our son does not bring the GCs around. I’m sure he would if circumstances permitted. Our family is split geographically, with one son in the middle of the country and one on the East Coast.

OP
Why do those people care about that?

It is none of their business

Needadvice, the comment you thought was from me actually came from icanhandthemback