Husband and DIL don’t get along so we don’t visit our son or grandchildren

Needadvice you can only try

If there is anything I've learned in life while dealing with family issues it's that, if you can come out the other side knowing you have handled yourself with dignity and compassion towards the other party, it's far easier to move forward and heal, whatever the outcome is.

Needadvice I hope that there can be a good outcome for you all.

By begging I meant asking her to talk to me as a friend.

Or maybe not a friend, but just to talk.

Needadvice

By begging I meant asking her to talk to me as a friend.

Or maybe not a friend, but just to talk.

Ok Needy I misunderstood your meaning

Should I begin having direct contact with the children?

Of course not. You strengthen your relationship with your son. He is the person in this drama who matters, he is your conduit to his family.

Norah That resonates with me. Our sons needs in this. He needs to know we love him and his children. I think that should be my focus and my DH’s. We both love him and them. Thank you for that. Perhaps we should just follow his guidance. Flowers

OurKid1. Sorry for my errors. I meant DIL.

Does DH stand for Dear Husband?

Needadvice

Does DH stand for Dear Husband?

Yes.

Hahaha. Thanks.

Pythagorus

Don’t try and fix it with her. You will never win.
Continue seeing your son and grandchildren on your turf.
Never, ever, say anything about DIL to anyone, especially your son.
Try not to focus on the problem. Find other things to occupy you.
Then wait it out. Nothing lasts forever.
Children get older and have their own minds. Marriages end.
You’re not the first in this situation and you won’t be the last.
Never ever go for confrontation.

How very crass smh.

OP, please do not take any unhinged advice that would see you lower yourself to being the creepy MIL who wishes for the failure of her son’s marriage so she can have unfettered access to another woman’s children and husband. It’s not a mentally and emotionally healthy approach.

Gently approach your son about wanting a healthier relationship. If he is open to improving relations, suggest a safe space for the two of you to openly discuss how you’d like to maintain contact, without accusatory speech about his wife and defensiveness about your husband. Focus on your relationship with your son. It isn’t your DIL’s fault that your son chooses to rarely visit with the children. You’re getting a lot of advice here focusing on your DIL, but how she interacts with your son and their children is none of yours or anyone else’s business. Shift your attentions to what is your business, which is your son. Like your husband, he is not an innocent male bystander.

VioletSky

We have different advice

One involves communicating and finding a way to address and work through issues

One involves allowing OP to speculate behind her son and daughter in laws back and doesn't actually ever address or resolve issues

This is why so many families have problems, they don't listen to problems, they dont take time to understand that even if their perception of events are different, the other person is hurt and then they can never be accountable or apologise for their part in those problems...

Communication is key in many of these situations

If anyone truly believes that children they raised do not know what they are thinking or saying behind the scenes while they use manipulation and fakeness to get what they want out of the relationship (usually access to the grandchildren) then I just don't know what to say

Because without direct communication that speculation will be going both ways and the situation will likely end in estrangement

Agreed

Neither my DH nor I are hoping our sons marriage fails. He, our DIL and the children seem happy as far as we can tell. We have not “used manipulation or fakeness” to do what you are suggesting. Why so suspicious? I got on this chat because I miss seeing my GC, my DIL is uncommunicative, and I don’t know what to do. I have received some good, sincere, advice. I haven’t actually DONE anything about it yet, I was just asking.

What does op mean?

Needadvice

That comment is directed at other comments not at you...

People talk to each other too

If a comment is directly to you people will usually put your name in bold

Whats a 'DIY'?

Needadvice

What does op mean?

Original poster, ie you, in this case.

Thanks for the clarification. Some in this group have seemed rather harsh. I have appreciated everyone’s comments, however, and feel I have a way forward, for which I am very grateful. Kind regards.

I think your DIL sounds like she has trauma from a previous situation, and this is colouring her approach toward you.

To me the fact that she wants to lay out all this inappropriate stuff in front of the kids is telling. She is afraid of you and your husband. Her mum instincts are screaming at her to keep her kids away from you both, she perceives you as a threat and wants her kids to see the danger too.

These instincts may well be misfiring, overreacting, sure, but ultimately: you and your husband removed an infant child from the woman who gave birth to him. She honestly sounds like she was a horrific mother, and the rational part of your DIL will know this too, but the irrational part still feels freaked out that you would take a kid away from his mother. If she is incredibly insecure, or has past trauma around this type of thing, every time she's near you the alarm bells will be going off.

Any attempt to go around her will make this worse. Honestly I would just tell her sincerely that she's an amazing mum and you love all the things she does for your son and gcs.

OP, wasn’t accusing you of hoping against your son’s marriage. I was cautioning against taking advice that would see you doing such a thing. I don’t doubt that you want a positive way forward with your family.

Herefornow

but ultimately: you and your husband removed an infant child from the woman who gave birth to him

For the love of God, he was four years old, not exactly an infant!

My husband is an ACOA - adult child of an alcoholic. He told me when he was a child, he felt he was born to suffer and he wished he was never born because of his alcoholic father.

OP and her husband has done the right thing by removing their son from that environment. If they left him with his mother, most likely he would end up in a number of foster homes or care homes. It was better for him to live with his dad instead of complete strangers.

My gut feeling tells me that it is the jealous recovered alcoholic MIL who keep telling lies about her ex husband to DIL.

I do not know what to suggest. The best thing to do is do nothing. Just keep the communication open with your son and focus on your own life.

Do not communicate with your DIL because you cannot reason with a dysfunctional person and if you do, you are only feeding into her drama.

Whatever happens, make sure there is no rift between you and your husband because of the grandchildren.

VioletSky

Needadvice

Is it not seem a bit strange to you that a social visit with DIL went really well without your husband there?

This is what I wondered as well , also
That dil seems affectionate and “normal@
To the other son and his wife. Implies to me there’s more going on here - also needs advice. There is no accounting for
Your son. You still
Have contact but he also is choosing not to bring the kids around etc. why do you suppose that is?

I am Extremely uncomfortable with posters labeling/diagnosing (“she sounds like she is”) DIL as mentally ill based on a one sided biased description of her and her actions.

As for what to do? Nothing. You cannot fight your husbands corner and continue a relationship with them.

As your grandchildren are older and reaching out, have that relationship. Continue to see the parents when it works for you. Be pleasant and kind and “grey rock” the actions meant to cause drama