I need him

Germanshepherdsmum it is most definitely NOT a waste of time.

Some people need to revisit ideas many, many, many times before they have the strength and courage to believe change is possible, and then act.
If your sense of yourself is ground away it doesn't magically reappear.

I'd say good for you Tabby555 for revisiting the I wish I was strong enough to part from him thoughts.
You are strong enough- you just need to believe in yourself.
As others here have testified you can change things. You may not yet be up to "full strength" but with a little support, I believe you are stronger than you think!
💐
Good luck.

Germanshepherdsmum

A bit pointless giving the same advice all over again then. Waste of everyone’s time.

Not necessarily GSM. I haven't got your strength of purpose. Or degree of pressures, I know it was awful for you. (other thtread we discussed)

You assess the situation as the O/P has, post, get advice, start standing up for yourself and them the abuser notices and makes nice or the fear just gets too much and you retreat.

Then re visit when it kicks off again.

As it happens I did get out as it got to police and all and followed it through as threats were dire

but so many women return and return even then - even after a divorce - its a classic.

From my personal experience it takes a lot of courage to rid yourself of a controlling rat.
I hope the OP musters up enough strength to finally do so she won't regret it.

I have looked at the OP’s thread from two years ago. She said she was scared to be alone especially at night. Presumably that’s the ‘need’. She had lots of advice then, including I see from me, Despite all the advice, nothing’s changed. Nor, I suspect, will it.

I am not going to look back at previous thread.

But I suspect part of the "need" is him saying he loves her, every so often.
That can keep people sweet for ages, from what little I know.

I also remember your post saying you needed advice.and you didn’t want to be alone, if he’s being abusive he’s not a kind person, I’m not saying it’s easy to get out, but it’s also not doing your health, self confidence etc any good either staying with a man that has no respect for you. I do hope you can find some peace in whatever you decide to do.

Thank you for all the kind supportive messages.What makes it even harder is the fact he also does a lot for me I can’t manage myself.I have chronic depression and fatigue and never go out. Due to social anxiety.I do stand up to him but he either ignores me,says I’m over reacting or somehow turns it on me making out I’m to blame.I really do try to be assertive but he turns it on me to.He always finds some way to shut me down or make me feel guilty.Also what makes it so hard is he is alot of the time very supportive and kind.He shuts me down by saying I don’t want an argument.I know it’s hard to really understand unless you have been or are going through a similar situation yourself.Thank you for all the supportive messages.

Tabby555 you'll need some good support to separate. A lot of what you say was similar for me, I certainly understood the alone at night fears.
Trouble is, this relationship is undermining any stronger bits.

Because I let Ex do so much for me I was disempowered lost further confidence. so yes, they "do stuff for you" but look at the cost.

However in the end he was so outrageously threatening (including extreme MH stuff on his part) that it was easier to be alone. And I struggle but have found I was not what he had convinced me I was. Be prepared for the unexpected - like grieving -for few relationships are that one sided -and of course many around you will say, "but you are well rid etc etc why upset".
It was only in retrospect that I realised the huge numbers of small put downs, the lies, the reality denial. Work in progress Tabby but we only have one life.

Did you see the GP about your depression and anxiety as I advised two years ago?

Germanshepherdsmum

Did you see the GP about your depression and anxiety as I advised two years ago?

Ithink that is the key to it GSM.. the OP does say that her partner is supportive and helpful and frankly it must be very difficult living with someone who never goes out and is depressed.. OP does IMO need to take some resposibilty for changing her life... it sounds grim for both of them.

I think you need to confront him about his aggressive behaviour and tell him it makes you even more insecure.f you dare.
If you don't dare then that shows what your relationship is like and you need to do something to put yourself in a place where you can look after your needs mental and physical first.
Being a couple is a partnership not a drudge for either of you.
Ask him why he talks to you like he does, you might get a surprise and be able to do something about it..

You’ve voiced my feelings about never going out pascal. That must mean never going to the doctor, dentist, hairdresser, doing any shopping, having a drink or a meal out, visiting family or friends. It amounts to self neglect and yes, terribly hard to live with. I think the most caring of partners would find it unbearably frustrating to live with a recluse and that would spill over into anger. Only the OP can change this and the doctor is the first port of call.

And this explains exactly why the OP needs him - he must have to do everything that involves leaving the house. Agoraphobia has set in and won’t go away without treatment.

Germanshepherdsmum

You’ve voiced my feelings about never going out pascal. That must mean never going to the doctor, dentist, hairdresser, doing any shopping, having a drink or a meal out, visiting family or friends. It amounts to self neglect and yes, terribly hard to live with. I think the most caring of partners would find it unbearably frustrating to live with a recluse and that would spill over into anger. Only the OP can change this and the doctor is the first port of call.

Quite..

Tabby555 I have chronic depression and fatigue and never go out.
This indicates why you have found it even harder to leave. I don't know whether your depression is treated, and if you have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/ME, but with both these it often seems impossible to make life changing decisions and that it is best to stay put; I understand this as I have both (plus Type 1 diabetes, which complicates things too!).

BUT I do live on my own, and have managed for many years, and it is easier rather than more difficult. It is easy to get in odd job people for physical things you can't do; your energy isn't used up by the nightmare of a relationship; you can choose when to eat, sleep, get up, go out etc. I think once you leave you will realise how energy-sapping his sort of treatment of you is!

There is excellent advice up the thread, especially the advice to plan before leaving the relationship. Think outside the box. Write down all the things he does for you and brainstorm other ways of getting this support, and even if you actually want/need some of them. Sometimes you are made to feel you need something done; question that.

Get legal advice, health advice, counselling, financial advice. Build up your confidence gradually. I don't know for sure, but I think just the process of starting to do this and finding alternatives will boost your self esteem.

Here's brief description of how I do things. My CFS/ME is debilitating, but I am lucky that I can boost myself with coffee, so I can do a few of the fun things I used to do, with recovery time in between. Another lady I know who has ME is able to pace herself to prepare to go out. For depression I take prescribed medication and have done for a long time. I'm not ashamed of taking it; it allows me to live my life (does your partner criticise you if you take medication?). I'm lucky that I own my house outright, and I'm very frugal day-to-day. I have a small garden which I love, and Facebook enables me to keep up with family and friends if I'm not able to go out.

It's not always easy, but whenever I think about it I know that I wouldn't swap it for living with someone even if they were not abusive as your partner is.

A small thing that I've been doing recently to boost my self esteem/mental health and to stop feeling I have to please people all the time (I suspect you are a 'people-pleaser' too!) is to spend about 15 minutes each morning writing down three things I am grateful for, and listening to a guided meditation. It has helped a lot!

Please don't continue to let this man sap your health and energy. Good luck!

Germanshepherdsmum

You’ve voiced my feelings about never going out pascal. That must mean never going to the doctor, dentist, hairdresser, doing any shopping, having a drink or a meal out, visiting family or friends. It amounts to self neglect and yes, terribly hard to live with. I think the most caring of partners would find it unbearably frustrating to live with a recluse and that would spill over into anger. Only the OP can change this and the doctor is the first port of call.

This is complex. And fascinating psychologically, if it didnt hurt so much for all of those who've had relevant experiences.

Yes, of course thats one definitely possible scenario GSM:

But for some abusive partners thats exactly how they want their abused ones - totally dependant. And they weren't like that when they met.

I was never that bad (went to hairdresser, some times out, the library and so in in my own car, I kept the finances paid (indeed supplied most of them)

but in retrospect it suited my abusive ex well, as he was not sociable himself and had someone - me - who believed I could not live alone always there to meet his needs.

I think there are so many variations in reality rather than a wrong or right way of seeing it all.

But one BIG question I've tried to address in counselling..

How could I, 70's feminist et al, get emotionally pulled in to being abused as a woman? In a second marriage too, when the first wasn't abusive? What was it in me the allowed it to happen? That made me refuse to see the obvious? That avoided confrontation and challenge?

It’s all too easy, whether you’re 19 as I was or 69. Love is, unfortunately, blind to the bleedin’ obvious.
It may be that OP has been made like this by her husband to suit his preferences, or he’s been made like he is by her reclusive behaviour. We can’t tell.

Germanshepherdsmum

It’s all too easy, whether you’re 19 as I was or 69. Love is, unfortunately, blind to the bleedin’ obvious.
It may be that OP has been made like this by her husband to suit his preferences, or he’s been made like he is by her reclusive behaviour. We can’t tell.

If she has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, that will be the main reason she doesn't go out, and with this man draining even more of her energy, I'm wouldn't be surprised if she can't go out; I think it is unfair to call it reclusive behaviour.

I have CFS/ME and I can only go out in the evening very rarely, and it takes a shot of caffeine to enable me to, which then affects my sleep and a day or two of recovery afterwards. There are many people with it far worse than me. She mentioned chronic depression and fatigue further up.

She mentioned it two years ago. I advised seeing her GP. I doubt she has. If she won’t try to help herself it won’t happen. Having been treated for severe depression and anxiety for many years, I know that if I hadn’t seen the doctor, which took an enormous effort, I would have ended up an unemployable mess. I saw it happen to a secretary once. She refused all help, went home one day p, never came back and never worked again. I don’t know if her marriage survived but having met her husband I doubt it. Nobody can take that first step for us, we have to do it for ourselves.

You are stuck in the cycle of abuse

He does something that upsets you

You protest

He blames you

He brings you to a low point

Then he flips the switch and becomes the loving man you want and need.

You are on some level convincing yourself that the loving man is the "real" him. It isn't. The verbally abusive man is the real him, the loving version is just to make sure you don't leave so he can continue to hurt you and rely on you for his needs. Your needs and feelings do not matter.

You have anxiety and depression, maybe that existed before him (and if it did, that vulnerability likely attracted him) but, you have no chance of fighting it all the while you are in this relationship.

You need to learn your worth. Reach out to your GP or the Domestic Abuse Helpline.

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

Please, so many of us are fully aware of what emotional abuse is. It is just as harmful as physical or sexual abuse.

You deserve better, you are worthy of real love and support. You matter.

Oh you are totally right, GSM (and as Violet says too) you do have to go talk and ask for help. Its good to post here for support and realise you are not alone but have to reach out. If he goes out you can, remember, ring the SAMS. Yes, you dont have to be ready to take pills to get a good old listening to

Little story. the crisis came all very suddenly for me as Ex's own MH stuff triggered behaviour that was unbearable, intolerable. I remember run-in gout after a visit from his workers one crucial day and saying you cant leave me like this. they said ring the police. Well, I didnt, but then a day after I did. And to my surprise a kind young policeman took the time to talk not just about changing the locks but he asked me bluntly "do you want to be in this marriage".

I hadn't thought that far at all but own things got worse I called again and yet another young policeman came round (more had happened). He was very kind and knew about coercive abuse but didn't know how to get effective evidence.

After that I started collecting it. Sound recordings on my phone: screen shots of texts and whatsapp's and so on. I recommend the O/P if nothing else tries to do this. In the end I didn't use it...except when I get the grief and the happier memories and feel bewildered did he ever really love me etc they are there to remind me. (I still dont know the answer to that one as its possible he thought he did but could just not be other than himself.)

Sounds like a narcissist to me. That's not a loving way to treat someone and you don't deserve to be on the receiving end of abusive behaviour. Verbal abuse is just as damaging and destructive as physical abuse.
Definitely work towards leaving . You say you 'need' him. Why? Are you afraid of being alone and settling for something rather than nothing? This situation will only strip you of your self esteem and self belief... which your belief of 'needing him' is a part of.

I understand you reached out here before... perhaps then you were just not ready to make the move. It's good that you have done so again. Perhaps this time you will take some action. Nothing changes if you done make change!
You could start with contacting Womens Aid and think about getting some therapy. Starting out alone again can be daunting but once you do it you will wonder why you stayed so long. I've never heard a woman who was in an abusive relationship and got out of it say she regretted her decision... never! Quite the opposite.

Well done for reaching out here again... that's a great beginning... continue reaching out to 'safe' people and organisations.

I would not discuss any of it with your husband, it may make you more unsafe.

This is you asking for help Tabby because part of you knows you need it

You've made the first step, keep going

Yes, Violet is right. You must know deep-down that this is not a healthy situation.

Baby steps. You can do it.

Oh come on look at it from the other side of the coin the lady says he’s often loving helpful and supportive and does everything for her …. if you lived with someone who was afraid of their shadow, didn’t go out anywhere AND needed you to basically look after them 24/7 how would you cope ?
Tabby help yourself get counselling, get therapy, you’re chronically depressed, your are chronically fatigued and you have acrophobia it can’t be easy living for you or him but only YOU can change that
GET HELP
What help have you sought in the last two years please tell us ?