I need him

Your title says you need him - I think you need to ask yourself what for.

Do you need him because you are frightened of rocking the boat, or of branching out on your own (very understandable if you have depression and anxiety)? Or are there positive reasons that you feel you need him?

What positive things does he bring to your life? Why not write a list with positive and negative on neither side, and weight them by adding a figure? - e.g. putting out the bins might rate a 1, but supporting you when you are ill might get a 7. Tot them up and see where you get.

It really does sound as though you feel emotionally manipulated and this is dreadful to live with. But I do understand how hard it feels to make a change. I can only reiterate what others have said - see your GP; get treated and build yourself up so that you feel able to tackle this situation.

I hope you will find a way through this.

Bluebelle am a little concerned about your post because suggesting to someone who is depressed and in the pits to more or less pull themselves together tends to just make them retreat further into helplessness.

Also - an abusive controlling man - may not want that person to change - they may have got them exactly where they want them - under control. and it feels good to them and their ego.

They can see themselves as a grandiose rescuer, when in fact a really loving partner would actually try and do everything to get help for you. I did, in a similar situation, get help, but Ex constantly undermined or tried to undermine their part in a recovery. In the end his behaviour was so extreme that I had the whole of my family's backing, but a lot of abusers are very cunning - Mr Nice guy to the outside world.

I don't find it surprising that you have kept coming back here hoping someone could somehow unlock the situation without you doing things that may threaten him and risk increasing abuse (or you fear would)

but alas what everyone says is true - you have to reach out for help: find times when he's not there to ring Domestic Absue helplines - go to your GP and spill the beans.

I should not be surprised nor shocked nor angry if you turn up feeling the same way in another year or so - it's very, very hard and there is a well trodden path of people returning to abusers out of fear of being alone or other fears.

I’m not convinced that the husband isn’t acting out of sheer frustration Wyllow. This has been going on for years. I wonder just how much he has to do in and outside of the house, given her depressed, fatigue (frequently an effect of depression) and agoraphobia. Only the OP can tell us that, and I doubt she will.

It took me many many years to leave a narcissist husband and it was a huge relief. I remember the first evening on my own relaxing and knowing there was no one there who would say awful things to me. BUT looking back it would have been much much better if I'd planned ahead and looked for where I'd get support after I left. I allowed myself to struggle mostly alone and now think I should have asked any friends I still had (I'd lost most friends) to simply talk to me - have a cup of tea with me - from time to time. And I am sure Relate and other organisations run groups for people after divorce and separation - I wish I'd joined something like that. It is not easy to leave an abusive relationship - your sense of your own strength and capacity to live and make your own choices is worn away. So plan, get help, and go when you are ready - but do not linger for too long - you deserve better.

This song speaks so much about getting out

(Sara Bareilles - a Safe Place to Land)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ht2NCrlghS4

Tabby, I think that when we love someone and show affection we make ourselves vulnerable to losing that person whom we like so much, and so naturally we 'need' the person. I think when grans are saying beware of needing him they mean don't rely on him TOO much but keep some reliance on yourself so you can also live happily without him.

His abusive manners are making you anxious so you are worrying he may not love you. He may possibly be abusive because he has worries you don't know about. Can you be brave and tell him you are sad and anxious when he is unpleasant to you, and ask him why does this?

You seem to actually want to part from him, but what is holding you back is fear of being alone and lonely without him. You need to make up your mind to either leave him or else tell him he sometimes makes you unhappy. If he is not interested in whether or not you are unhappy then you have your answer.

When I told Ex things I wasn't happy with then what I experienced was

denial he did or said what he did - ie, your idea of reality was actually wrong/didnt exist/he'd never done said it (gaslighting)

or - it was my fault that he had said/done such and such because I was ill or mad.

or - suddenly I would be loved or adored to prove how wonderful he was for me. That bit echoed the love-bombing start of our time together when he had become "Everything" to me and shut the outside world out and a dependency developed.

it doesn't take much imagination to see how if that happens consistently over time you end up abused, but often you can only see it clearly in retrospect. I probably wouldn't have spotted it at all if it hadn't suddenly become grossly abusive to the point of police involvement etc. shouted at, "If I were a violent man you'd be dead" and similar.

Germanshepherdsmum a bit of victim blaming going on there? It can take many goes to leave an abusive relationship.

I know that from personal experience of a very long abusive marriage. There’s nothing you can tell me about that that I don’t already know. However I think the husband is a victim here - I can’t imagine living with someone who never leaves the house (not through physical disability). As a consequence how much does he have to do? What sort of life does he have? She could get medical help and I was one of those encouraging her to do so two years ago, but evidently she did nothing.

I don't think abusive behaviour is caused by depression or anxiety

I think abusive people can get depression and anxiety and that can worsen their behaviour

But many people suffer with depression and anxiety and aren't in any way abusive

I don't think there is enough evidence to say that.

We have indeed said quite a lot above which isn't based upon the O/P - we have shared different stories of abuse, which may or may not make sense to the O/P and made hopefully helpful suggestions, but in these matters...

..... I think it important to support a woman claiming abuse unless evidence to the contrary, because it's often hard to get people to believe you or don't want to know, and we now know abuse is very common place.

Violet I was referring to GSM post.

I know, sorry I got in the way Wyllow

Hi Bluebell, I do try stand up to him but he always gets the better of me and turns it on me.I am always in the wrong at these times

Hi Redhead, thanks for your kind message. I have told him many times when he talks to me nastily.He always denies it. Which is incredibly frustrating.He just says I’m being paranoid or over reacting.My daughters know how he unfair and nasty he can be to me.I really do appreciate everyone’s advice and support.Makes me feel less alone.So thank you to everyone.

It sounds as if you only have him in your life just now to support you, and you could do with the perspective and support of others. Please try and reach out to the contacts posted for domestic abuse, or contact your GP.

Have your daughters ever talked to you about this Tabby? If so, what do they suggest?

No, you don't need him. He has simply convinced you that you do.

You didn't heed the advice you sought on here previously so why would you listen to any GNetters now though????

Hi Tabby good to see you back in. Also very glad that your daughters can see what is happening. As it gets to the point where you find it hard to trust your own judgement - you have some back up.

"He just says I’m being paranoid or over reacting". If you read up the thread to 8.53 this morning you will see I have written of how it sounds your partner is "operating",

*denial he did or said what he did - ie, saying your idea of reality was actually wrong/didnt exist/he'd never done or said it (gaslighting)

or - it was my fault that he had said/done such and such because I was ill or mad*

With my Ex I came to realise that he could not bear to take responsibility for any criticism or blame.

( I have pages of WhatSapps and a number of round recordings he sent to me bitterly blaming his brother, his mother, me, in great detail.)

Now - I have of course examined how I was, what I did, and can see looking back how this or that or the way I was might have contributed to a whole range of situations. He was -is -not capable of doing that (and being a depressive, I tend to blame me anyway)

- its a facet of people who have narcisistic disorders (of varying degree of course, from covert to very upfront, where control extends to looking at your mobile and opening letters etc)

that they need to blame, as opposed to two people being able to sit down and discuss "look, our relationship is dysfunctional".

This is all in retrospect, of course.

At the time, Tabby, it was a matter of survival, pure and simple. And no way could I have done it alone. I got MH and Domestic Abuse and in my case some police support. (dont let that put you off, btw, it was circumstance driven to reach that point, and others writing here have not involved police)

But right now you need to make that phone call to Domestic Abuse, ad that appointment for your GP (providing you trust them reasonably enough).

sorry, sound recordings, not round recordings. I downloaded a very simple easy to use sound recording app on my mobile and secretly recorded instances)

BTW - narcissism more than general and natural pride in oneself is actually a MH condition - but don't expect them to own that!

Tabby555

Hi Redhead, thanks for your kind message. I have told him many times when he talks to me nastily.He always denies it. Which is incredibly frustrating.He just says I’m being paranoid or over reacting.My daughters know how he unfair and nasty he can be to me.I really do appreciate everyone’s advice and support.Makes me feel less alone.So thank you to everyone.

Yes Tabby. It's called gaslighting when you know something to be true and the other person denies it and tells you you are wrong, paranoid, crazy. It's what narcissists do. Part of their condition is that they are not capable of taking responsibly for anything they say or do and always blame the other person.

It messes with peoples heads to be gaslighted.

He will not change! Look up narcissist on Google. I'm pretty sure your man will fit that personality profile.

I have often thought of doing secret recordings on my phone but I’m worried incase he found out. As sometimes goes in bad mood for days.

He never admits to any wrong doing on his part.Often leaves me wondering if I’m in the wrong and always doubting myself.To be honest I can’t think at all around him and I’m always getting tongue tied.So confused.

Thank you Wyllow, you explain it so well.What you say is so true.Also I think he likes the fact I struggle so much.I don’t think he likes to ever see me happy and relaxed. As when I am he is more likely to criticise me and bring me down.I have tried parting from him before but he always talks me into taken him back.