Son & Partner Difficulties

MercuryQueen

I’m confused. Your son is lying to his partner about you calling upset, but she’s the problem?

Maybe I’m misunderstanding something. But if that’s what happened, I’d be wondering what else he’s lied about, either to you or her.

Indeed.

Your own son lied about you? What is the real problem here...

It’s a wind up.

Most of what you posted about your son’s relationship is none of your business. You seem too involved. He’s a grown man. He’s too old to be “your world”. Back off a bit. He clearly didn’t cut you off. Seems like a lot was bubbling up in him and he let it explode inappropriately because he’s likely tired of the dysfunction between your and his partner. You can take the wise advise from those asking you to reframe your relationship with your son in a healthy manner, or you can take some of the more bitter advice here that will fuel the division. Either way, your relationship with your son isn’t his partner’s fault.

Grandmafrench

‘Why does he feel he has to choose between us?’

Because, sadly, she makes him - and even after their arguments over 5 years - he can’t or won’t sort it out and stop her.
He’s still quite young but surely has had enough time with this woman to know this will only get worse.

And now she’s got a lovely new weapon to threaten you with! No wonder your DH and Daughter are fed up. It will get worse so you really must stop playing. If you carry on - like him - trying to ignore her controlling needy behaviour (needy because he must keep proving to her that she’s No. 1 ) you’ll go nuts thinking she’s gaslighting all of you.

As others have said, make your current family unit work well, stay positive and happy and ignore the threesome until the Son who is your world works out what’s been happening and what he’s enabling! Her remark about how much less you see her Son than her own parents shows just how she must think and enjoy causing trouble.

You won’t win once you show you’re sad or desperate not seeing your Grandson. Your Son is the only one who can fix this, so please sit tight, stay calm and wait. It’s hard and I’m sad for you but you can’t change the behaviour of someone who doesn’t care and whose partner won’t see (yet) what a ridiculous situation she’s creating. Chin up and good luck.

In this way of thinking lies madness.

Instead of choosing to believe the worst of your grandchild’s mother, perhaps look for her positive attributes. Look to your son and his role in your relationship with her.

The idea of the child as a weapon to hurt OP with is quite frankly disgusting. Why would you compare a child to a weapon?

OP stop looking for malice in your DILs actions.

Put your energy into your husband and daughter.

I totally agree with Luckygirls post
Although our babies and children are our world until they become independent people once they have grown and flown and chosen their own partners and way in life they should not be your centre
And this is your problem you need to step right back
I m really sorry to say this but you and your husband are causing this problem and your daughter shouldn’t be brought into it to take sides
I actually feel sorry for your daughter in law and even sorrier for your son stuck in the middle, you are over involved although you don’t realise it ….step right back and leave them to build up their life without a clinging mother …and yes she may see more of her family than you and that’s life

I also agree with Luckygirls post.

It is tough love but there is the real danger of estrangement.

I'm also aware that DiL sees her mum more than me and is emotionally closer. I think that often happens, not always, but often. Just as you are close to your DD.

Your DS needs to deal with difficulties in his marriage not involving you. There disaster lies as does DD getting involved.

I truly believe that if you can step back you will have a better relationship in the end. If DiL stops perceiving you (and your husband?) as a threat she is more likely to be accepting and accepting of you having time with DGC.

Feelings of loss are involved and it isn't easy.

My wise MiL, mother of a longed for only child, told me that she had made up her mind to love whoever P chose to marry because she couldn’t afford not to. Excellent advice which I have followed.

GrannySomerset

My wise MiL, mother of a longed for only child, told me that she had made up her mind to love whoever P chose to marry because she couldn’t afford not to. Excellent advice which I have followed.

My wise mil made me feel very loved, accepted, and cherished. As it should be, I think. I attempt same with sonsIL. I find no faults with our sonsIL - our daughters selected them, life is short why not just love?

I sometimes think there are 3 types of people

1 The glass is half full

2 The glass is half empty

3 Opportunists

While people are busy arguing about the contents of their glasses, the opportunist will sneak in and drink the lot

Just enjoy what you have

No return visit from the OP.

There are a lot of women who are lost when the children leave home and retire from work and interfere in others lives. Don’t do it, find other activities to occupy your time and be thankful if you are asked to help out.

Initially it sounds like you are putting all the blame on your son’s partner and in your eyes, he can’t put a foot wrong - your first mistake is being biased in your views of the situation because you don’t know what goes on behind their closed doors, you only know your son’s version of events. You also seem to hold no accountability yourself. I’m your eyes you may be doing nothing wrong but if you are doing enough for your son to step in and say something (he is still a grown man with his own opinions) then it’s likely that you are overstepping in some capacity but that you just see it as ‘normal’ and/or something you are entitled to do.
In all honesty, you have raised your son so let him lead his life and do not play agony aunt to his relationship issues. If he goes to mention issues with his partner, tell him you would rather stay out of it.
He has chosen to create a new, nuclear family with this woman so you need to give them space to figure these things out on their own.