Should I stay or should I go?

Your husband is having an emotional affair

It doesn't matter that he cannot engage sexually with this person, he is leaning on this person for all his emotional needs.

You are right to be devastated. Many find emotional affairs damage a relationship more than a sexual fling.

Please get some outside support. A loving husband should never hurt you like this

Has she asked him for money yet, do you know? I would check out your finances.

Hi - yes - in order for them to meet privately online he has to pay money in the form of tokens to the website which then gives her a percentage of the money. I know he has spent a huge amount on being online with her and at a time when we were saving for our retirement.

I don’t think he has shown any respect to you Dipsy10 at the very least calling her his soulmate! I know that I would not stand for anything like this, so he expects you to be ok with this, I’m really surprised you have put up with it . It seems he’s going to carry on with this so called one sided relationship regardless how you his wife feels, I wonder what would happen if the shoe was on the other foot and you called a man your soulmate and buying and sending him things over the years. It doesn’t sound as if he has any intention of stopping and I actually feel for you, I’ve been with my husband who I adore for 40 years and I can tell you now if it was happening to me we would part ways

I think you know the answer to this one. He is essentially having an affair and has become emotionally close to another woman and him calling her his "soul mate" is so hurtful. I truly feel for you and what you are going through. I struggle to comprehend how you can carry on in the marriage, knowing that he has such strong feelings for someone else. I believe that if you stay you will one day regret that decision. I wish you all the very best.

I do feel as if I want to go but not sure I have the courage. It’s giving up everything you know and at the age of 63 and with a long marriage. I suppose I’ve stayed because I have felt it was awful for him not to be able to make love physically although we never did have a conversation about what I would do for intimacy. I would have hoped we’d have dealt with the problem together.

Have a look at your finances. If you are going to stay with him make sure you can keep your own money separate from his.
Then at least if you decide to leave him in the future he will not have given it all away to his "soulmate".

Dipsy10 - you are still young enough to start again. Somehow you must dig deep and find the courage. In life I truly believe in the mantra " what you are not changing you are choosing". I don't mean to sound harsh but surely you are worth more than this?

I’m so sorry Dipsy10 this is a truly horrible situation for you. I really feel you should think very, very carefully about your future together …

That would have been the right thing to do Dipsy. There is help for impotence. It seems though that your DH is very involved with another woman now. He isn't meeting any of your needs so you may be happier breaking free and having a life of your own.

You need to take legal and financial advice. This girl is taking him for a ride. She probably has no feelings for him and is just taking his money (and yours). By leaving him you wouldn't be walking away from everything that you have built up because half of it is yours to take with you. Once you know where you stand legally and financially, you need to tell him what you plan to do. He may realise how much he values your companionship and the shock of your threatening to leave the marriage might knock some sense into him, although I think it would be difficult to get over this affair, for that is what it is, and you might be better off starting a new life on your own.

He is more than likely being scammed. Look after yourself first.

Your marriage as you knew it has been over for a long time, you need to take some control back for your own sanity. You're entitled to have of everything, thing of yourself now and break free

This sounds like a sex site he is paying for.. you know that impotence doesn't need to affect your life together. He is looking elsewhere and if he is paying he is being taken for a ride.. He has betrayed the trust you had in a future together and if this were me I would be making plans to secure my financial future..

I don’t think you should feel too sorry for him there are ways he could have got help for himself and for you He chose to be with another woman in spirit and attention and for 6.5 years !!!

Not only are you starved of any sexual intimacy but you have a man who is putting all his feelings into a prostitute so your self esteem will be zero
He has rejected you for this other woman whatever way you put it

I would definitely be thinking of your future and as others have said make sure your money can’t be touched, if you have a joint account (never would but many do) set up your own account and take your share out and into your own account 63 is very young and personally better to be alone than with this going on.
See a solicitor as soon as you can and maybe a counsellor

Think about what this has done to you over the past few years.
Your life together.
Your finances.
Your self respect.
Your respect for your husband.
Your selfworth.
And think about doing this... enduring this... for another 20.
Your are only 63.
You deserve more.
You deserve better.
Make that appointment tomorrow.
You are stronger than you ever imagined.

Thank you to everyone for your support and advice. It is so appreciated. You all voice my own thoughts and feelings. He says on the site it was all fantasy yet he still sends her details/photos of everything we do. She now hardly ever replies as she is not online anymore and I suspect wants to forget that part of her life. he tells me every day that he loves me but why would you carry on doing something that hurts the person you supposedly love! I no I’m afraid of the confrontation as it will be the end of us and I can’t stand hurting him but I no I must grasp this situation and get my life back on course.

Dipsy do consider some counselling it is a way of clearing your mind which always muddles facts and feelings up and it could be helpful to clarify what you really want It’s a difficult problem because without this awful dilemma you sound as if you care deeply for this man but why oh why hasn’t he explored ways of sexually satisfying you even if he can’t manage to satisfy himself He can’t kiss and cuddle a prostitute on the end of a phone line can he ? yet you are right there under his nose wanting a proper husband whether there’s sex or not
He needs counselling and a doctors visit for himself as there could well be a lot of help for him and his problem but I doubt he’d go it’s easier not to talk about it Silly man

I do wish you good luck but I m afraid you do need that very very difficult talk

Thank you so much BlueBelle. I do care deeply for him but I don’t think I will ever trust him again and that’s a dreadful way to live your life.

Oh my what a problem, if it was me I would walk, she will disappear when the monies gone. Get your finances sorted and I'm afraid it's time for tough love and look after yourself. I know this is hard but he's met his 'soul mate' surely that should be you!

Yes Dipsy, starting the process of ending the marriage will be deeply painful and stressful. He will probably tell you that he will end the relationship with the other woman but I doubt this will be the case. He has continued to communicate with his "soul mate" despite knowing the pain it was causing you...... You don't inflict pain on someone you love. Please keep this thought in mind as you move forward. He has his "soul mate" and it clearly isn't you! You need to remember this.

He is obsessed with this other woman and obsessions are very difficult to give up. As usual BlueBelle gives good advice. If you really want to give your marriage another chance your husband needs to agree to go to marriage guidance and he needs to get help from his GP. You need tough love and insist on this. If he won’t you can go to marriage guidance on your own which I think you would find helpful for crystallising your thoughts if nothing else. Ultimately if your husband won’t play ball you will feel more and more demeaned and diminished. If he loves you he will do as you ask. If not you have to recognise any love you have is one sided. Is this how you wish to spend the next 20 years or so? If you decide to stay take the upper hand and make your own life with your own interests and activities.

Dipsy, I was in exactly the same position as you due to my husband's medication. We adapted to the situation as best we could, it was easy for either of us. We have been married for 43 years.
I wouldn't be able to forgive him if he had done anything like this and l know he wouldn't forgive me if l had looked elsewhere.
It's a big betrayal of your love.
My husband has been in hospital since January after 2 strokes and l am hoping to bring him home for palliative care.
I wouldn't waste the rest of your life, it's precious.

Oh Mayal - I am so very sorry to hear about your husband. My thoughts are with you.