Should I stay or should I go?

I think where I would have a problem with your situation is the fact that he has this 'woman' on line on whom he spends money and says she is a soul mate. We have all seen programmes about people being scammed/taken for a ride financially and he sounds like one of them. I would base my decision about my future taking that into consideration most of all. People cannot always help their disposition later on in life and if they are honest sad they are hurting you, they will find a way around it which is a compromise. What is not fair is that a third party, and a dodgy one at that, is in the picture.

I think you know the answer. My husband has this difficulty and sought medical help. We are happy I can’t imagine how I would be feeling if this happened to me. He’s emotionally having an affair.

Maybe a solution would be to live together as friends

Do you have a spare bedroom?

He has realistically already ended your marriage. How would he feel if all the other things marriage offers that aren't sex were off the table too?

To me your husband's behaviour is a form of infidelity, and whether you can or should condone it, is not really something I feel able to advise you on.

In your place I would find it hard to decide too, and my list of pros and cons would look like this (I think)

Can we afford to divorce? In financial terms that is?

Do I want to divorce him? Emotionally speaking.

Would I miss him so much that life would be difficult, if I left?

Am I prepared to go on living without sexual fulfilment, because his impotence remains a factor?

Or if not, am I prepared to find a lover and remain with my husband? (Could we both accept this solution?)

Is his impotence really uncurable?

Or is he just not interested in me any more?

I don't know if these points are of any use to you, but if even one helps a little, then that's fine.

I doubt that it is even the same person that he used to see on the webcam. It could be anybody.

He is cheating on you and maybe draining your finances on another woman

Lawyer now

Dipsy10 your husband has treated you despicably he could have looked for help for his impotency as surely there is something that could have been done for him. He thought he found his cure using the webcam and of course that was not a free service for him. Silly man.

I am sorry you chose to put up with it for over 6 years what a sad waste of your time. I would say just like the rest of the posters on here get all documents you need sort out your finances and think carefully what you want to do. If that was me I would have been long gone or he would, you have been betrayed and humiliated by his actions time for a big eye opener and a chance to find some happiness which you certainly have not had from him.

He essentially is being unfaithfully to you, isn't he. You are being remarkably understanding about it. I would say walk away, but I realise that can be difficult (although I did it in my 50's).
A friend of mine in a similar situation decided that she could not start a new life alone, so she stayed but moved into the spare bedroom and started to live an independent life in that she only cooked for him if she felt like it, she had holidays with friends, and had days out whenever she felt like it and didn't rush home.
Maybe you could do something similar?

The Bible says that that type of thing is an affair. He has broken the marriage vows.
Very sorry for your situation.

Honestly you are so young, I have a dear friend who is in her late 70's and is experiencing a husband with an emotional attachment to someone else, it is humiliating.

Oh Mayal - I am so very sorry to hear about your husband. My thoughts are with you.

Dipsy, I was in exactly the same position as you due to my husband's medication. We adapted to the situation as best we could, it was easy for either of us. We have been married for 43 years.
I wouldn't be able to forgive him if he had done anything like this and l know he wouldn't forgive me if l had looked elsewhere.
It's a big betrayal of your love.
My husband has been in hospital since January after 2 strokes and l am hoping to bring him home for palliative care.
I wouldn't waste the rest of your life, it's precious.

He is obsessed with this other woman and obsessions are very difficult to give up. As usual BlueBelle gives good advice. If you really want to give your marriage another chance your husband needs to agree to go to marriage guidance and he needs to get help from his GP. You need tough love and insist on this. If he won’t you can go to marriage guidance on your own which I think you would find helpful for crystallising your thoughts if nothing else. Ultimately if your husband won’t play ball you will feel more and more demeaned and diminished. If he loves you he will do as you ask. If not you have to recognise any love you have is one sided. Is this how you wish to spend the next 20 years or so? If you decide to stay take the upper hand and make your own life with your own interests and activities.

Yes Dipsy, starting the process of ending the marriage will be deeply painful and stressful. He will probably tell you that he will end the relationship with the other woman but I doubt this will be the case. He has continued to communicate with his "soul mate" despite knowing the pain it was causing you...... You don't inflict pain on someone you love. Please keep this thought in mind as you move forward. He has his "soul mate" and it clearly isn't you! You need to remember this.

Oh my what a problem, if it was me I would walk, she will disappear when the monies gone. Get your finances sorted and I'm afraid it's time for tough love and look after yourself. I know this is hard but he's met his 'soul mate' surely that should be you!

Thank you so much BlueBelle. I do care deeply for him but I don’t think I will ever trust him again and that’s a dreadful way to live your life.

Dipsy do consider some counselling it is a way of clearing your mind which always muddles facts and feelings up and it could be helpful to clarify what you really want It’s a difficult problem because without this awful dilemma you sound as if you care deeply for this man but why oh why hasn’t he explored ways of sexually satisfying you even if he can’t manage to satisfy himself He can’t kiss and cuddle a prostitute on the end of a phone line can he ? yet you are right there under his nose wanting a proper husband whether there’s sex or not
He needs counselling and a doctors visit for himself as there could well be a lot of help for him and his problem but I doubt he’d go it’s easier not to talk about it Silly man

I do wish you good luck but I m afraid you do need that very very difficult talk

Thank you to everyone for your support and advice. It is so appreciated. You all voice my own thoughts and feelings. He says on the site it was all fantasy yet he still sends her details/photos of everything we do. She now hardly ever replies as she is not online anymore and I suspect wants to forget that part of her life. he tells me every day that he loves me but why would you carry on doing something that hurts the person you supposedly love! I no I’m afraid of the confrontation as it will be the end of us and I can’t stand hurting him but I no I must grasp this situation and get my life back on course.

Think about what this has done to you over the past few years.
Your life together.
Your finances.
Your self respect.
Your respect for your husband.
Your selfworth.
And think about doing this... enduring this... for another 20.
Your are only 63.
You deserve more.
You deserve better.
Make that appointment tomorrow.
You are stronger than you ever imagined.

I don’t think you should feel too sorry for him there are ways he could have got help for himself and for you He chose to be with another woman in spirit and attention and for 6.5 years !!!

Not only are you starved of any sexual intimacy but you have a man who is putting all his feelings into a prostitute so your self esteem will be zero
He has rejected you for this other woman whatever way you put it

I would definitely be thinking of your future and as others have said make sure your money can’t be touched, if you have a joint account (never would but many do) set up your own account and take your share out and into your own account 63 is very young and personally better to be alone than with this going on.
See a solicitor as soon as you can and maybe a counsellor

This sounds like a sex site he is paying for.. you know that impotence doesn't need to affect your life together. He is looking elsewhere and if he is paying he is being taken for a ride.. He has betrayed the trust you had in a future together and if this were me I would be making plans to secure my financial future..

Your marriage as you knew it has been over for a long time, you need to take some control back for your own sanity. You're entitled to have of everything, thing of yourself now and break free

He is more than likely being scammed. Look after yourself first.

You need to take legal and financial advice. This girl is taking him for a ride. She probably has no feelings for him and is just taking his money (and yours). By leaving him you wouldn't be walking away from everything that you have built up because half of it is yours to take with you. Once you know where you stand legally and financially, you need to tell him what you plan to do. He may realise how much he values your companionship and the shock of your threatening to leave the marriage might knock some sense into him, although I think it would be difficult to get over this affair, for that is what it is, and you might be better off starting a new life on your own.

That would have been the right thing to do Dipsy. There is help for impotence. It seems though that your DH is very involved with another woman now. He isn't meeting any of your needs so you may be happier breaking free and having a life of your own.