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He's ageing well, I'm not and he can't understand

(108 Posts)
MargotLedbetter Tue 11-Jul-23 17:27:21

I'm mid-60s and have always struggled with my weight. I have arthritis in my wrists and ankles and also knees, probably part of my genetic inheritance from my mum's side of the family and also probably due to some years spent nursing. I do Pilates and try to keep stretching and doing yoga, but what the menopause and the arthritis, I'm nowhere near as flexible or quick-moving as I used to be and I'm also now a size 16-18. My hair's thinning, too, just as my mum's did, and there are days when I limp painfully because of the arthritis in my ankle. I'm having physio and see an osteopath, but there are days when I'm not up for walking more than a mile or so.

He, on the other hand, has always struggled to keep weight on, can eat and drink whatever he wants and still has the wiry, youthful body of someone in their late 30s. And a full head of thick hair. He was swimming earlier this year and walking back up the beach from the sea in his swimming shorts and a woman I know vaguely said to me 'Oh, I didn't know you had a son.' And then, as he got closer, she blushed and said 'Oh, it's your husband.' She asked me if he was a professional athlete. No, he's not. And then when he came up to us she made a point of telling him how good he looked in his swim shorts.

In the heatwave recently my feet swelled up slightly and he made a big fuss about it and suggested I needed medical attention. His own feet were as they always are - slender and muscular. He also made a comment about a varicose vein that's made an appearance on the back of my leg. I have another on my thigh that he's told me I need to see a doctor about. I've explained that I'd need to go private to get my veins done.

And today, while I was walking barefoot across the living room, he did a big 'What's going on with the blue veins around the arch of your foot?' number — and he took his socks off to show me he didn't have any.

How do you explain to a husband who's enjoyed fabulous health all his life and has rarely seen a doctor that you are ageing relatively normally and that swollen feet when it's hot, fairly minor varicose veins and other physical changes are the reality for a lot of women as we age?

Calipso Thu 13-Jul-23 10:46:45

Sorry, crossed posts 🤦‍♀️

FarNorth Thu 13-Jul-23 12:00:56

So many people here have behaved just like my DH and his 'I'm okay — what's wrong with you?' attitude. Can you not hear yourselves?

I'm feeling hacked off by the number of posts with 'helpful' comments, many of them clearly having misread what was said, and I'm not the OP just a flabbergasted bystander. shock

loopyloo Thu 13-Jul-23 12:04:09

Still think a trip to gp might be good idea. Have your hbaic checked and also thyroid levels. Is there any type2 DM in your family?
Re DH I am a great one for saying yes dear then ignoring him completely.
He's only a man can't expect too much. Please don't let him subtly or unsubtly undermine you.

Devorgilla Thu 13-Jul-23 15:33:06

One simple thing you can do re varicose veins, is to place a pillow under the mattress on your side of the bed to elevate your feet and legs overnight.
Lots of good ideas on here to help you. The key thing is not to allow yourself to be put down by other people's comments. A bit of TLC for yourself wouldn't come amiss. A new hair do/dress/makeup/treat.
If you are on your feet a lot doing stuff around the house, tell hubby he needs to do more to help you with that so you can put your feet up.

M0nica Thu 13-Jul-23 21:28:10

In the heatwave recently my feet swelled up slightly.

Do not most people's legs swell slightly in a heatwave? When i was a teenager I can remember taking off a pair of shoes on a hot day - and then not being able to get them back on again later on. They fitted perfectly, the next day.

Madgran77 Fri 14-Jul-23 10:06:42

Madgran I suppose swollen feet might be read or mistakenly assumed as including ankles! I'm not sure anyone was trying to "make things up

Casdon Swollen feet and swollen ankles are both commonly caused by heart failure, it makes no difference to the point mumofmadboys was making.

I know Casdon comment above was referring to the OP thinking people are "making things up" ...which seemed somewhat unfair.

I'm not sure really why you quoted my comment with reference to mumofmadboys comments which I agree with as shows up thread, but no matter. smile

pascal30 Fri 14-Jul-23 10:40:36

I guess if the OP is as defensive with her husband as she is with the helpful comments she's receiving on here, then he is going to make unhelpful comments. Open clear communication is needed..