He's ageing well, I'm not and he can't understand

I do feel for you Margot. We are a bit the opposite. DH has had a list of heath issues and surgeries over the years, and I have had relatively good health. We are in our early 60's.

However, when DH gets a bit down, and tells me that I married a faulty specimen I prop him up and support him. None of his issues are a result of his bad lifestyle, in fact he does everything right; good diet, exercise and is constantly moving. But he inherited a bad heart, varicose veins, arthritis, Dupuytrens's syndrome, etc.
We have had to stop kayaking and skiing, and while it saddens me, I understand he can't do it any more without suffering afterwards. I have gone skiing with the kids and grandkids, but don't ever push my DH to come along.

Maybe have a talk with him to help him understand that you feel bad, that you would love to do all the things that he does but your physical body stops you. Encourage him to do all the things he loves to do, but please be more understanding when you cannot.

Have you told him how hurtful his comments are? Maybe he thinks he’s being encouraging, and doesn’t realise that he’s upsetting you.

As others have said, neither of you know what’s round the corner, and it could be his turn to go through a period of illness next. A thick ear, quite possibly .

I know how frustrating it is when people ’kindly’ suggest that you lose weight and take exercise. I have been unwell for a while and have gained weight as a result. My brain isn’t flabby though - I am well aware that exercise and diet are important. It’s just that my metabolism is all over the place and I get breathless if I do too much (not because of deconditioning, but because of my condition, which is proving difficult to pin down). The last thing I need is to be patronised, but there are people who can’t help giving unasked-for advice.

I agree with those who say that letting him know that his comments aren’t helpful could be the way forward. It would be a start, at least.

I would milk the situation and ask him to make me cups of tea and have a list of jobs for him to do like kneeling down and dusting or vacuuming under things, turning mattresses, weeding in the garden etc. Could you also perhaps visit a dietician not so much to lose weight but to make sure you are eating the right foods for your age and conditions? Once I turned 65 I just seemed to lose my energy and mojo and try to do bits of what I used to but have had to accept I can only walk a mile/eat a small meal/have to go to bed early. It has severely impacted my social life as I can't eat big meals out or go on drinking sessions at night but then again, do I care? My dad ailed for 35 years and was in his late 90s when he passed away. His life loving nephew died much earlier. In fact at one stage you would have thought the nephew older than my dad. It takes all sorts.

I feel for you too MargoL, it takes me by surprise how each year the gardening etc takes more effort! We would all love to stay youthful, confident and strong and these 'offhand' remarks can sting! If I am beginning to feel my age I do what the young ones call self care and treat myself to a mag, watch rom-com or put on a lovely outfit and go for a coffee. We have all been through lots in life and all deserve to feel good at any age/weight or stage of health. Please try to look after your self esteem, a lot of us know how you feel x

If it makes you feel any better Margot I have actually lost all of my hair. It's been horrendous. I hope you can find a solution to yours. I really do. There are some old threads on here on the subject which may be of help to you.

Genetics makes a difference and some are more fortunate than others at least till something happens but you should talk with your GP about improving your own health.

Doodledog The last thing I need is to be patronised, but there are people who can’t help giving unasked-for advice.

OP didn't seek advice. I gave unasked advice.

I re-read the post "How do you explain to a husband who's enjoyed fabulous health all his life and has rarely seen a doctor that you are ageing relatively normally and that swollen feet when it's hot, fairly minor varicose veins and other physical changes are the reality for a lot of women as we age?"

OP Say what you wrote. "Thank you for your concern for my health, I merely have age related signs - normal for women my age and genetics."

Something along those lines should take care of his concerns.

I would milk the situation and ask him to make me cups of tea and have a list of jobs for him to do like kneeling down and dusting or vacuuming under things, turning mattresses, weeding in the garden etc
😂😂😂

My excuse - "it's my knees, dear"
DH says we must get a cleaner 👍

Lucky you Norah. That's not possible for everyone. He may well be concerned but he could voice his thoughts better. I would tell him how I feel. Pour his next drink over his head

nadateturbe

Lucky you Norah. That's not possible for everyone. He may well be concerned but he could voice his thoughts better. I would tell him how I feel. --Pour his next drink over his head--

Noted. I have no further diet/exercise advice.

I'd be well pleased with his concern.

As OP posted here, tell him the same - her physical changes are age related and genetic. Should cover any issues.

Norah, I wasn’t having a go at you - I was thinking of my sister, actually . The fact remains, though, that the vast majority of people will be very aware that diet and exercise are important for weight loss. I’d be more than surprised if Margot hasn’t made that connection. She is feeling raw already - I’m sure you mean well (genuinely) but do you really think that pointing out your own slimness and good health is going to make her feel better?

Grantanow

Genetics makes a difference and some are more fortunate than others at least till something happens but you should talk with your GP about improving your own health.

No wonder the NHS is on its knees if it's full of basically well people asking doctors about how to improve their health in a general way. My health is fine. I feel fine. Google is your friend and all the advice is the same: eat well and exercise well. I do both those things.

Doodledog

Norah, I wasn’t having a go at you - I was thinking of my sister, actually . The fact remains, though, that the vast majority of people will be very aware that diet and exercise are important for weight loss. I’d be more than surprised if Margot hasn’t made that connection. She is feeling raw already - I’m sure you mean well (genuinely) but do you really think that pointing out your own slimness and good health is going to make her feel better?

Doodledog I didn't believe you were having a go at me.

I gave advice where none was asked. I went off on a tangent.

Yes, I'm genetically slim plus we diet/exercise - but that wasn't asked and as I now see, didn't belong - I can't remove, all I can do is admit I didn't answer the question properly.

Me

This thread is confusing. You now say Margo you feel well and your health is fine. However you started by saying you are overweight, have arthritis of your ankle(s) and cannot walk more than a mile. I, for one, am confused. Posters are trying to help by their comments.

I’m extremely confused. I have had arthritis in my knees since age 21. If I put on any weight at all they are very stiff and painful. Therefore I do my level best not to. OP says she is overweight and a size 16/18 but her size isn’t very meaningful without knowing her height - 5 foot or 6 foot?

I’d agree on the arthritis, I’ve got bad knees too, and weight (and exercise) have a huge impact on the pain levels. It’s a good incentive to stay slim. I know it isn’t nice to hear, but unfortunately it’s true.

I too am confused: as I read it the premise of the thread title is that the OP feels she isn't ageing well and her OH is. There is then a first paragraph which outlines the things that Margot struggles with.
I apologise Margot if my response about self esteem upthread caused offence, it wasn't intended. You do seem to have changed tack and later claim that you're actually in very good health so I'll just leave it there.

mumofmadboys

This thread is confusing. You now say Margo you feel well and your health is fine. However you started by saying you are overweight, have arthritis of your ankle(s) and cannot walk more than a mile. I, for one, am confused. Posters are trying to help by their comments.

You miss my point completely. Others have been able to see what it was but you and various others want to offer misguided 'help' that I didn't ask for.

I wanted to know how/ if others were coping with the absolutely normal and inevitable (for many of us) changes that come with ageing when their partner doesn't seem to be ageing at all and doesn't have much sensitivity when it comes to pointing out those changes. That was the experience I wanted to share.

I didn't ask for comments on my weight or diet tips or how to use a hairdryer. I'm an intelligent, informed adult with a laptop and a past that includes walking the Camino de Santiago.

There are some extraordinary assumptions being made here. I can kneel down and get up unaided, thank you very much. And I know how to use a hairdryer.

How will you respond when your DH (or anyone else) points to your first varicose vein, or a natural post-menopause change in your body shape, or a change in your hair texture or volume, or the fact that your knuckles or your toes are arthritic?

I really don’t recognise the things you describe as ‘absolutely normal and inevitable’ for anybody. I do, however, think that your arthritis isn’t helped by being overweight and your weight may also have caused your varicose veins and swollen feet. Is your husband pointing out rather clumsily that if you lost weight it would be beneficial for your health?

I said jokingly to DH "Does my bum look big in this?" and he took it seriously and said "Well, yes, it does and perhaps you should try to lose a stone or so".
🤔

I wanted to know how/ if others were coping with the absolutely normal and inevitable (for many of us) changes that come with ageing

But that wasn't the question you asked Margot
Bit harsh to berate others for misunderstanding.

I feel for you, it must be difficult to cope with the aging process when you have a younger, fitter partner.

I have always looked older than my age but in a way have been fortunate in that the people I mix with are much older than me so it doesn’t affect me so much. At 60 I was often offered pensioner discounts which I accepted, there has to be some perks.

I think men often age better than women. We lose Oestrogen in menopause, and childbearing can take a toll, too.

My husband is wearing better than I am (and he is older than me 😡). I tell myself that I've got the better deal, as I get to look at him and he has to look at me. He tells me that in his eyes I look the same as when I was 21, which is kind of him, but I'm not convinced when I look in the mirror, as it refuses to lie.

I’m 81 and DH is 74. He has no wrinkles and is a lot fitter than I am. I do worry that I am beginning to look older as age I must.

When I put weight on he just says more of you to love. He is very supportive and says nice things which is what we need. Try explaining that you need your confidence built up not brought down.