Ex-wife still demanding after twenty years!

LRavenscroft

No one mentions here age. Are we dealing with adults in their 50s, 60s or 70s? This will make a big difference.

The boys' grandmother:
She has no partner and has recently retired and so has more time on her hands.
One would presume she is mid to late sixties, and may be struggling, having lost her daughter, caring without a lot of support for two recently bereaved teenagers, one of whom is autistic and starting to become aggressive towards her.

I feel sorry for her, she needs help.
Not the retirement she hoped for, I imagine.

No one mentions here age. Are we dealing with adults in their 50s, 60s or 70s? This will make a big difference.

The most important thing here is the welfare of these two troubled boys, bereft of their mother, father, half their siblings and presumably their former home. No wonder they are difficult.

A meeting of all concerned parties, including the father, is very necessary; it is unlikely the autistic child's problems will disappear as he gets older and his grandmother is finding it hard to cope now; she needs all the support she can get.

I am a first wife and was well aware of the campaign waged against me by the second, wondering why as her objective was achieved. After a few years it ceased to matter.

LicketySplit

Thanks ethelwulf,

I appreciate your friendly advice.

No problem. Just ignore the fantasy. You know you're the one trying to remain positive throughout this difficult situation, and if there's any compromises being made to keep the peace, you're the one making them. Hope it all works out.

Thanks ethelwulf,

I appreciate your friendly advice.

ethelwulf

Glorianny

Golly for the person who won the prize (your DH) you sure have it in for the loser don't you?
How do you know so much about this woman who will have no contact with you?
Perhaps she does just want help with the boys and knowing they behave better when they are with him, she asks him to speak to them when they misbehave. That doesn't mean she wants him back.
Perhaps she is a little tired of you insisting that she is a bad grandmother and telling her what she should and should not do (maybe that is another reason she doesn't want contact with you)
Try accommodating her a little more. She must be grieving for her daughter and trying to do her best for two grieving GS who have an absent father. Letting her have the help of their grandfather without constantly putting her down would be a good start.
You may think you aren't doing that but that is what I picked up from you posts, so goodness knows what those boys have picked up from contact with you.
It's far more honest to make negative comments and admit you dislike someone than to pretend to be supportive, whilst questioning the care someone provides at every opportunity, and regarding any contact with their ex-husband as threatening your marriage.

Where on earth did all that come from? I'm utterly amazed by the interpretation you have put on the OP's request for advice, and by your totally speculative assumption that she has some sort of downer on the ex-wife., when quite the opposite seems to be the case. "You sure have it in for the loser"? Good grief. Did it somehow hit a nerve, or come a little too close to home? You appear to have constructed a fictional plot around this, entirely of your own making, and have made some extremely unpleasant and totally unwarranted accusations based on no evidence whatsoever. .

Sorry you had to read all that, Lickety Split. Focus on the positive comments and advice. All mine would be would to stay out of it as far as you can, and just be there to support DH.

The OP says she has no contact with the grandmother then
She has never accepted our marriage and makes negative comments about me to the grandchildren, leaving them in an awkward position, as the boys and I have a lovely relationship
That's criticism and blaming the GM
She is now using the situation to make demands on my husband
Actually she's asking the boys grandfather for help.
She is hot-blooded in nature and speaks to the boys in a condescending and aggressive manner herself. She used to call her daughter ‘a f*****g little b***h’ as a child – I think this illustrates the core of her personality
How on earth does the OP know this as she has said there is no contact? Some people swear, some don't. It's unnecessary criticism.

The whole theme of the post is that the GM is to blame, handles the boys poorly, and is generally resentful and seeking to rekindle a relationship. with he OP's DH. The GM may well need help but the OP needs to stop blaming her or seeing her as some sort of rival.

Glorianny

Golly for the person who won the prize (your DH) you sure have it in for the loser don't you?
How do you know so much about this woman who will have no contact with you?
Perhaps she does just want help with the boys and knowing they behave better when they are with him, she asks him to speak to them when they misbehave. That doesn't mean she wants him back.
Perhaps she is a little tired of you insisting that she is a bad grandmother and telling her what she should and should not do (maybe that is another reason she doesn't want contact with you)
Try accommodating her a little more. She must be grieving for her daughter and trying to do her best for two grieving GS who have an absent father. Letting her have the help of their grandfather without constantly putting her down would be a good start.
You may think you aren't doing that but that is what I picked up from you posts, so goodness knows what those boys have picked up from contact with you.
It's far more honest to make negative comments and admit you dislike someone than to pretend to be supportive, whilst questioning the care someone provides at every opportunity, and regarding any contact with their ex-husband as threatening your marriage.

Where on earth did all that come from? I'm utterly amazed by the interpretation you have put on the OP's request for advice, and by your totally speculative assumption that she has some sort of downer on the ex-wife., when quite the opposite seems to be the case. "You sure have it in for the loser"? Good grief. Did it somehow hit a nerve, or come a little too close to home? You appear to have constructed a fictional plot around this, entirely of your own making, and have made some extremely unpleasant and totally unwarranted accusations based on no evidence whatsoever. .

Sorry you had to read all that, Lickety Split. Focus on the positive comments and advice. All mine would be would to stay out of it as far as you can, and just be there to support DH.

Unfortunately, due to terrible circumstances, your husband is once again co-parenting with his ex. That’s what this all boils down to, imo. These kids are traumatized by the loss of not only their mother, but their younger siblings as well. AND one of the kids is Autistic.

I think you need to reframe your thinking about it. Instead of viewing it as what the ex is demanding, take the view of what these traumatized kids need.

Maybe the dad would like the older boys to visit him? Might that be possible?

No solution is going to be easy LicketySplit it sound like there's a lot going on.
At least your daughter and family will (hopefully) be moving on soon into somewhere of their own.

What a pity the boys auntie isn't interested.
I suggested it as I know my (single) daughter has her siblings' children stay occasionally or have "sleep-overs" now and again and just thought she might be interested.

I hope you and your husband find a way through this. I expect the school holidays will be difficult.

Maybe there is some provision over the holidays for your autistic grandson at least?
Can you find this out so your husband can pass it on? I think it might help. If you can do the research at least... 🤞

NotSpaghetti

No, of course not Callistemon - but it does make the day-to-day stuff harder.

Having a DH who worked overseas I do know but it sounds as if two of the boys were left with their grandmother, one with grandfather and the four others went overseas with father, whether those three remained through choice or not we don't know.
Seven boys are split up, all having lost their mother not long ago, and three left behind by father, one if them autistic.

I'm not surprised the two are troubled.

I feel sorry for everyone but they are still the father's responsibility wherever he may be.

Thank you for all your suggestions, it has made me see things from different perspectives.

Just a few factual updates. We have our daughter, son-in-law and baby grandson living with us currently while they organise a place of their own as well as the eighteen year old grandson – leaving very little spare space.

The grandmother requested that the autistic grandson live with her as she thought he would be better off there.

The adult daughter does not have any interest in having the boys stay with her, they don’t really get on, besides, she has a toddler and is 6 months pregnant.

My husband works full time – leaves at 7am and returns at 6pm – Monday to Friday.

I have recently had to stop working due to deteriorating health.

As you can imagine, it is a difficult time for all of us.

No, of course not Callistemon - but it does make the day-to-day stuff harder.

were social services involved in this arrangement.
does the GM have a SGO.
maybe it should be reviewed.
those two boys might be better placed with younger foster parents.

NotSpaghetti

We have no idea if the family was living "as a family" before.
The father may have been living away in the first place.
Maybe all seven were living with just the mum previously.

Also I think (if I've read it correctly) that LicketySplit's husband has another adult daughter. Maybe, if so, she would have one or two of her nephews to stay the odd weekend if the boys would like it. She will probably be pleased to help her sister's children and feel she is doing something positive for them.

I think I would.

Lots of sadness here..

Yes, I wondered if she is nearby and could help.

Living abroad does not mean the father is absolved from responsibility for his children.

Putting the question of the father aside, as I understand it there are three children who need looking after. The eldest, (18 years old, almost an adult), lives with you and two younger boys, one of whom is autistic, with the grandmother. I think you have the better deal! It must be very hard for the single grandparent to cope. Perhaps you could offer more respite, perhaps more than one weekend a month. Or swop over the caring duties?

We have no idea if the family was living "as a family" before.
The father may have been living away in the first place.
Maybe all seven were living with just the mum previously.

Also I think (if I've read it correctly) that LicketySplit's husband has another adult daughter. Maybe, if so, she would have one or two of her nephews to stay the odd weekend if the boys would like it. She will probably be pleased to help her sister's children and feel she is doing something positive for them.

I think I would.

Lots of sadness here..

"The other four boys are living abroad with their father."
Again, very difficult to involve someone 'abroad' (which could be a long distance away), on the end of a telephone.
This is a family tragedy, and whether she likes it or not, LicketySplit is part of this family. I do note that they have the eldest grandchild living with them, so it is not easy for anyone.

I agree Callistemon, it was only a year ago those poor boys lost their mother, their father should be there for his sons.

NotSpaghetti

I think the three older boys are here in the UK. Ine now 18. The older three boys may not have wanted to go with dad as there lives are here and the upheaval has probably already been huge.
Not everything is simple.

The oldest is only 18 so the others all are children. You're right, they may have opted to stay their grandmother but the arrangement is breaking down and the father of the children needs to be more involved in what is happening with his children, who may be reacting to the loss of their mother.

I think the three older boys are here in the UK. Ine now 18. The older three boys may not have wanted to go with dad as there lives are here and the upheaval has probably already been huge.
Not everything is simple.

The father is abroad and has left the two oldest boys, one of whom is autistic, with his MIL. She cannot be young and this is unfair on her, your DH and you.

She lost her daughter and now is left to cope with two boys who lost their mother; yes, she does need help, they all do.

Abroad or not, the father is the one who needs to step up to the mark and take responsibility for his sons.
Perhaps your DH could contact his SIL and explain the situation.

You could as has been suggested, have the boys to stay with you more often and for a bit longer. Has this been talked about with your H's ex?

As NotSpaghetti's said, it wont be forever and I wonder if you've taken into account that your H and his ex lost their daughter last year and will both be grieving for their child.

Maybe he's the only one she feels she can talk too if she needs too because he's the only one who truly understands, and she takes the opportunity to do so when he goes round to help out with their GS's.

I wonder if you could have the boys a bit more - after all they have had their mum die and dad is abroad.

Your relationship with your husband is, we assume, stable and the boys are growing up so will be soon voting with their feet about visiting. It will not be forever and your husband has lost his daughter. He no doubt loves the boys and wants the best for them.

I agree with someone upthread about "contact info"... lack of resources means accessing services is really difficult. Try to cut the ex a bit more slack. I'm sure it's hard - but being generous in the end will surely reap benefits. Don't let yourself be dragged down the "resentful and angry" route as you are the one who will suffer. Not saying it isn't deeply frustrating - I think it must be - but your husband could have taken the boys on himself full time which would have had another set of complications.

Thinking of you all - especially the boys.

There is professional help for this boy. I have contacts through my work and have collected resources, information on groups, useful contacts, helpline numbers etc., to help her.

It is one thing having a list of contacts for help, another thing to activate them at eight o'clock on a Monday morning when they are refusing to get ready for school or Kicking off on a wet Saturday afternoon.

I keep forgetting that the ex-wife is the grandmother, not the mother. Looking after two boys, one with difficult special needs, is hard enough when you are young and with a partner; looking after them when you are of retirement age and on your own is unbelievably tiring. She may not have been a brilliant mother, who knows, but she has taken them in and she needs as much help as she can get. Perhaps the two of you could see them more frequently than one weekend a month to give her a break.