I’ve done all I can to help cannot, afford anymore 🤦‍♀️ And I’d like to add, she has never asked me for a penny. It’s what I’ve offered.

To be honest, I’m not really bothered about her name being mentioned it’s a very common name but thanks for your concern 💐

Yes it is a common name but you are also giving details that make the family pretty easily identifiable to anyone who knows them /you. As long as you dont mind thats ok, but I hope your daughter/ex SIL dont mind either?? I do sympathise..a miserable situation for your daughter, your grandchildren and you

Madgran77

*To be honest, I’m not really bothered about her name being mentioned it’s a very common name but thanks for your concern 💐*

Yes it is a common name but you are also giving details that make the family pretty easily identifiable to anyone who knows them /you. As long as you dont mind thats ok, but I hope your daughter/ex SIL dont mind either?? I do sympathise..a miserable situation for your daughter, your grandchildren and you

Hmmm you might be right but I dont want to delete the thread 🤷‍♀️

Your daughter needs a better solicitor. One who plays hard ball. A friend had a husband who delayed all the financial stuff. Her solicitor threatened to freeze his assets if he didn't cooperate, he soon cooperated. She may want to make things equal, but sometimes you have to get tough, she can always be magnanimous once he's revealed everything.

Glorianny

Your daughter needs a better solicitor. One who plays hard ball. A friend had a husband who delayed all the financial stuff. Her solicitor threatened to freeze his assets if he didn't cooperate, he soon cooperated. She may want to make things equal, but sometimes you have to get tough, she can always be magnanimous once he's revealed everything.

Believe me, I have told her she’s got to get tough but I can’t say anymore because she just gets upset so I have to leave it to her. I know he has a very good pension ahead of him and she has even said she won’t go anywhere near his pension if he is fair with her, it’s not getting her very far 🤦‍♀️

If she chooses not to advocate for herself and the kids - her bad

Nothing you can do

Germanshepherdsmum

They will.

That's right. My good friend's now ex husband played really dirty during their divorce, a divorce instigated by him because he met someone else. He made life really difficult after the divorce too, but my friend never said bad word about him to their children. As the children grew older they saw him for what he is, and now as young adults they barely see him.

Glorianny

Your daughter needs a better solicitor. One who plays hard ball. A friend had a husband who delayed all the financial stuff. Her solicitor threatened to freeze his assets if he didn't cooperate, he soon cooperated. She may want to make things equal, but sometimes you have to get tough, she can always be magnanimous once he's revealed everything.

Unfortunately it isn’t that easy to change solicitors when you’re in deeply and have paid out so much, unless your pockets are deep. I stupidly thought it could be done amicably and chose my solicitor accordingly. I was wrong but couldn’t afford to change horses once he dug his heels in. Had I known how difficult he would make things I would have instructed a different solicitor, a woman who was known for being very aggressive. I guess we all hope things will be better than they actually turn out to be. Lord knows I knew well enough what a b*stard he was but I hoped that for the sake of our child he would behave like an adult. How wrong I was.

Oh dear, Shinamae its not even a matter of playing dirty - its matter of whats fair and pension wise legally hers to have, I see your dilemma now if DD won't give her solicitor instructions as to others good advice above.

My solicitor was wonderful. She knew how to play the situation to its best advantage. In the end she made his solicitor realise to advise my Ex to accept the deal as she was well on top of any games he tried to play finance wise.
but you see, no kids

I have contacted Gransnet and they have replaced my daughter’s name and thank you all so much for your advice. I do get very upset but know am powerless ….😢

Namsnanny

crazyH

Shiname you have, unwittingly, mentioned her name - try and edit your post or ask GN to remove your post

Did you see this post Shiname?

I’ve done that now, thank you.

Hithere

If she chooses not to advocate for herself and the kids - her bad

Nothing you can do

I really resent that remark,she is doing what she is doing to try and protect her children from all this.she might not be going about it the way you or I would but she is doing it her way and she is not” bad”

I think she is very frightened.
I think she wants to get out as quickly as possible and he knows that.

Shinamae, I'd say that my solicitor was actively supportive, a competent and kind woman, (and cunning) would you say hers was adequately supportive? Could make the difference. she des sound very alone - has she got friends/contacts of her own to support?

Was there coercive abuse?

Because domestic abuse agencies can be supportive on that even if its only talking it over with her.

I’m with Wyllow. It’s unkind and inaccurate to accuse women in this situation of being bad. Coercive control, alongside societal expectations often result in women/mothers being seen as ‘too reasonable’

Your daughter needs to keep more to herself about the settlement and not 'promise' she won't go after this or that. She's entitled to a fair settlement, and so are the children.
I'd add to the advice Lathyrus gives about keeping all, any emails from you/him re arrangements for children he then breaks and, if any, all emails abusive to her. The more information she has that she can prove the better.

Devorgilla

Your daughter needs to keep more to herself about the settlement and not 'promise' she won't go after this or that. She's entitled to a fair settlement, and so are the children.
I'd add to the advice Lathyrus gives about keeping all, any emails from you/him re arrangements for children he then breaks and, if any, all emails abusive to her. The more information she has that she can prove the better.

She is keeping records of everything. As far as I know I even told her not to even speak to him on the phone. She could do it through text or email, and then she would have a record of what he says to her because he can be very spiteful.

Wyllow3

I think she is very frightened.
I think she wants to get out as quickly as possible and he knows that.

Shinamae, I'd say that my solicitor was actively supportive, a competent and kind woman, (and cunning) would you say hers was adequately supportive? Could make the difference. she des sound very alone - has she got friends/contacts of her own to support?

Was there coercive abuse?

Because domestic abuse agencies can be supportive on that even if its only talking it over with her.

I honestly don’t know anything about her solicitor, like I said before when we used to discuss it l used to get angry about him and that used to upset her so I decided not to ask her very much at all and to wait for her to tell me..
She does have a network of friends up there, but obviously I would like her to come back here to live, but she won’t because she doesn’t want to upset the children’s schooling and she has made a life for herself up there 🤷‍♀️
I don’t think there was physical abuse, but I think there was certainly an amount of mental cruelty, which is certainly going on now

Yes, definitely keep all and every record.. I got a sound recorder on my phone and have every single WhatsApp message. Unfortunately I didn't get a recorder for phone calls - I advise she does, if they have to phone re children.

But you are aware if its a No Blame divorce the coercive side isn't part of her armoury as such between them,

but he might give away relevant things re money or children that could be useful. also shaming.

Also, maybe more important than those things, she can show people what gone on to get comfort and support and strength

(Lastly, if it should ever be a matter for police, or SSD, keeping this information is crucial. I'm not saying it would come to this, it did for me, and I hadn't collected the info when first needed, it hadn't occurred)
Ex wrote letter to my solicitor etc saying all kinds of stuff about me and that along with the information I then collected I feel might have been part of what she used "informally".

Eventually, she and the children will be out of this mess. That will be something to celebrate.


Try not to resent it if the outcome is unfair (I think it will be, sadly) as he is obviously a bully, lacking empathy and has deep pockets.

Remember how much she will gain by being away from this poisonous man.
Focus on rebuilding a new life.
We are all hoping it's soon over and as fair as possible financially.

Thank you all very much..💐💐💐💐

A bit harsh and curt...