Husband retired, I still work. My husband is driving me crazy!

My DH was like a spare part when he retired a while after me, he really didnt like retirement at first. I'd already found groups, activities that I enjoyed doing in retirement but he did mope around a bit.
So I told him to find some voluntary work and to join some interest groups.
He did, with enthusiasm.

Then I found I had to make an appointment if I wanted to arrange a day out together.

TELL HIM how you feel and to get out and get a part time job or you will leave him. Give him a deadline to find something that will get him out of the house

That’s pretty direct talk here. Sounds like I don’t have any sympathy for him. I don’t, I’m sorry to say. What a drag on your life.

I’m not a hard-hearted Hannah, but this would drive me insane. If you’re already telling him how he is killing the marriage some TOUGH TALK about divorce has to come into play.

I also think by doing what he’s doing - he’s being mentally abusive.

A different perspective here. Mr C had always worked long hours, a stressful profession often took him away from home. I worked around children as I could, enjoyed a variety of roles but by no stretch of the imagination did I have a career.

I began to train in my forties, by the time I was 50 I was the proud and exhausted possessor of an MA plunging into a challenging professional life which I loved. Mr C wound down from about age 60, finished work at 68, I’m five years younger and worked until I was nearly 70 a lot of the time from home where there were boundaries in place to protect my working life from interruptions.

I worried a bit as Mr C also seemed to have little to occupy him until I realised he was perfectly happy to just potter around, read, listen to music and occasionally go out to do some low key photography. He talked about those years being my time, a sort of pay back for the years I had put his professional needs first.

It does sound to me as if a balance has been lost for you babs We enjoyed evenings and weekends together. Had several low key breaks a year, visited friends and spent time with our family. Could you reinstate some balance babs? Find a way to feel life is good for you both? I guess the real question is do you really want to do that? There are some difficult conversations to be had I think.

I don't know what your previous existence was like, Babs, before you discovered rather late in life you were a high-powered business woman, but it sounds as though your career has taken over your life and you are eager to part company with your husband, the sooner the better. It is rather hard on to resent him lolling about in his own house after a life-time of work; as long as you have a separate work space and a closed door, no need for him to be excluded from his house.
May be for the best, only you know that, but this job isn't going to last for ever; you are already over retirement age and it is unlikely you will be working at this level in in ten years time.
Then what?

There isn't rearly a retirement age any more eazybee, not in the UK. There is a point where the State Pension starts to kick in, but I am not even sure the OP is in the UK.

I was told when I started my present role 5 years ago, that my work's retirement age was 72. Now I am a few months from reaching that particular birthday, I have been assured that is no longer the case and I can keep working as long as I want to (or am able to, of course).

Don’t understand why you are married to him, if you can’t fit him into your schedule 🤷‍♀️

Take 3 hours, go to the pub, neutral territory.
You each write a list of your minimum requirements, each from.the other. It does clarify things if you write them down.
You might want 3 days when he goes.out for at least 6 hours. He might want 4 days a month devoted to joint outings. Etc.
Permanent niggling gets you nowhere. Dh and I have these discussions are still here, just about.

It sounds as if you don't love him and don't even particularly like him.

You could do what someone I heard of did - send him an email, tell him you've set out your agenda for next year and he is not on it.

Business-like and to the point.

He could then take his share of your joint equity and lead the kind of boring life he wants after a long working life without someone getting annoyed with him because he's in the way.

I believe if you are still working after 65 you can continue working as long as you are fit, but there is definitely a clear-out of people just before they reach 65 to prevent them carrying on. Perhaps they have altered this in accordance with when people are eligible to receive their state pension.

eazybee

I believe if you are still working after 65 you can continue working as long as you are fit, but there is definitely a clear-out of people just before they reach 65 to prevent them carrying on. Perhaps they have altered this in accordance with when people are eligible to receive their state pension.

I think the OP could be in the US so I don't think there are the same pension arrangements there.

eazybee

I don't know what your previous existence was like, Babs, before you discovered rather late in life you were a high-powered business woman, but it sounds as though your career has taken over your life and you are eager to part company with your husband, the sooner the better. It is rather hard on to resent him lolling about in his own house after a life-time of work; as long as you have a separate work space and a closed door, no need for him to be excluded from his house.
May be for the best, only you know that, but this job isn't going to last for ever; you are already over retirement age and it is unlikely you will be working at this level in in ten years time.
Then what?

The OP did say that she found this new career 10 years ago having already worked for 30 years.

Reading through the posts from the many who think she should be giving up work I'm wondering what you expect her to do if she retires now. No doubt sit and twiddle her thumbs whilst her OH thinks of something he'd like to do.

I'm 76 and still working, doing something that I enjoy. My DH retired when we moved to France when he was 60, knowing that I would continue for as long as I could. He does the garden and most of the housework and at least half of the cooking. Unfortunately our pensions are insufficient for me not to work as I have no wish to lead a hand to mouth existence.

You seem to have achieved an amicable balance, Dinahmo, unlike the OP.

That's the ideal though - a balance. The OP's life and marriage seem to be out of balance. Both are unhappy as a result.

It's pretty obvious what he needs to do but the fact of life is you cannot change another human being to fit in with what your requirements are.
From courtship and over the years, working, having children and grandchildren. Fitting in a bit of me time and couple time pushed in.
In this time that young man we fell in love with changes and you change. We become different people.
The relationship evolves over the many years and at some point you think this person is driving me mad.
My husband and I are retired, I encourage him to do the things that interest him I do the things that interest me. We rub along, what is the alternative.

Do you even love him anymore?

Well babs75, what a conundrum! If you're 66 and doing well as a data analyst, good for you. I had 30+ years in IT, stopped in the early 60s, and by 66 I'd have been nodding off at the desk?!

And well done for keeping active! Many forums and articles have said that's exactly what people need to do, keep brain and body as active as possible, else they soon fall into disuse and sadly disrepair!

Sounds like you're somewhere near San Fran, and I have no idea what your hubby could be doing over there to keep occupied. You say "his pension does not allow him to do any construction, I asked him to do volunteer work but he doesn't want to do that" - well, I don't understand the 'pension' point, and if he doesn't want to be bored, I don't follow the 2nd point either?!

Could he set up as an 'odd job man'? I know a couple of guys here do such things, as huge numbers of folk - often sadly widows whose hubby didn't make it to this sort of age -- need someone to do routine little jobs and repairs round the home. He doesn't have to do a long day, and should get some satisfaction from helping those in need, plus he can pick and choose his days and hours. OR - was he ever any good at sports? If so, help out with young people?

I found volunteerinfo.org and www.volunteermatch.org/search (if you're NOT Bay Area, then look for similar?) which have LOADS of things to do!

I am surprised that someone who had worked for thirty years suddenly discovered at the age of 56 that she was an amazing business woman. I sense an air of desperation in her post and feel she is having to work harder and do more to keep her place, which is why she resents her husband's presence in his own home, so much.
She would do better to work in a separate office, working as many hours as she needs. The husband will be on his own but won't distract her and may be perfectly happy pottering, which she resents, or find activities he enjoys.
She needs to maintain a clear divide between work and home.

This is the problem for men retiring without any hobbies. I think women can always find something to do.
All of a sudden you are together 24/7, and quite often it’s just too much. And maybe you don’t like each other that much anymore. It’s a hard time to navigate.
I find it frustrating that I hardly ever get the house to myself.

Jennyluck

This is the problem for men retiring without any hobbies. I think women can always find something to do.
All of a sudden you are together 24/7, and quite often it’s just too much. And maybe you don’t like each other that much anymore. It’s a hard time to navigate.
I find it frustrating that I hardly ever get the house to myself.

All of a sudden you are together 24/7, and quite often it’s just too much
I find it frustrating that I hardly ever get the house to myself

It sounds as if you don't have any hobbies that take you out of the house either , Jennyluck

Why not join U3A or other groups?

All these comments and suggestions - yet not another word or comment from OP?

notgoneyet

All these comments and suggestions - yet not another word or comment from OP?

She's far too busy!

Callistemon21

I think I feel sorry for your husband. I think he needs to find himself a companion. Hopefully you won’t get jealous.

Mitzigem Oh, this was a good answer! 😆