Could your husband not find work in the volunteer section? Maybe in a charity/thrift shop? Taking people's dogs for walks while they're at work? Anything like that, so he isn't stuck indoors all day!
Gransnet forums
Relationships
Husband retired, I still work. My husband is driving me crazy!
(87 Posts)I'm getting to my wits end. My husband retired mid 2019 from construction, a year or so earlier than I thought he was going to but we've made it work. I am 66, continue to work, want to work, and have no plans ot retire anytime soon. Since Covid in early 2020, they made my job full time work-from-home. I began this new career as a data analyst 10 years ago, different from what I did the last 30, and have found it to be something I'm really good at. I have excelled at it, gotten promotions, and am a project leader for our team of 15, just one step down from my manager. I am finally getting paid what I am worth. It has been very refreshing and I've enjoyed the fact it has helped us financially. The last year had it's own set of challenges as the project I've been on the last 4 years came to a head and required very long work days for many months. Things have leveled out now so I am back to 8 hour days.
I have many hobbies including 2-3 Zumba classes a week (I also got certified to teach last spring although I cannot make that time commitment right now), sewing, 'Cricuting', and I purchased a telescope after attending an astronomy class last winter term. My husband and I attend training with a personal trainer once a week and we both enjoy estate sales on the weekend.
I am also legal guardian and conservator to my 97 year old dad which takes some time itself. But since Covid, I am home all day working, my husband is home all day, and he is bored to death. We are together too much. I crave time to myself. It's just gotten to be an obsession with me. We have vacation property for camping a couple hours north of here so he may go up there for a few days every few weeks which gives me some badly needed 'me' time but when I know he's returning, a sort of 'depression' sets in. I find I am actually happier by myself being able to just do what I want. When he is here, I find myself constantly on the defense as to why I need to plan my day/week, set a schedule and am not able to just do something on the spur of the moment. I really function better on a schedule. He hates that part of my 'accounting brain', as he calls it.
Because of this project, I really haven't been able to take much vacation time. Sometimes it's harder to get job coverage than it's worth and the amount of emails/work to do when I get back just usually isn't worth it and I have no issue with this. Again, today, 'Why can't you call in sick. Let's go do something together'. No, I have work to do. I am not here to entertain him and he is usually met with the statement from me, 'It was your idea to retire'.
I have asked him to get a parttime job, although his pension does not allow him to do any construction, asked him to do volunteer work but he doesn't want to do that, etc. I'm happier at home. I have plenty to do here. Do some married people take separate vacations? I have no interest in travel and the last time we did fly somewhere, he had a downright tantrum in the Bay Area traffic. No fun. Short fuse, no patience. I plan to work until I am at least 70 and if I'm not ready to retire, I've already warned him I'm going to work as long as I want which is going to cause a big problem when I get there but trying not to dwell on the future right now.
Having been involved in my dad's care for 8 years has shown me how much it costs to go into old age. I continue to save some money but do not want to get to a place where I quit too soon and then had to go back to work. I am at a loss. I am so sad most of the time, I just want to cry. I wish he would just leave me alone. He really needs to find something to do. He is so dependent on me.
The solution is a Conversation..things need to be addressed..you can not control his behaviour or actions..you can only control yours..so have that conversation and at the end of it you need to make some decisions..
Babs, speaking as a women with a marriage of 54 years, other than bringing up children for myself I believe marriage can have it's challenges many times. The young man we love and marry in our early years is a very different person to the one we find ourself with in our later years.
My husband is a totally different person now, years of being a son husband father grandfather and friend change us.
I have many times when I am not happy with how things are and this must be the same for most couples who have been together for years.
For myself I have many interests and keep busy doing things that are of interest to me but separate from my husband who also has things that interest him.
My husband goes away yearly with his club and I have a few days away on holiday also with a friend which suits us both.
We are individuals, it is not healthy to try and control another human being or alter them, encouragement advice and suggestions are ok but you cannot alter another human being they have to make their own decisions on what they want out of life.
I know how hard it is to keep happy when things are not as you want them to be but try and keep up with your interests and hobbies. Could you suggest U3A as something your husband might try. They have a number of interest groups withing the organization which your husband might be interested in. He could also go on solo holidays, my friend goes on about four a year and really enjoys them.
All the best of luck.
I hear you lady! I’m feeling exactly the same. I retired at the same time as my husband but he’s driving me crazy in the house all day! I have lots of friends & activities but my husband doesn’t have another life & has interfered with my freedom, the smooth running of our home. It’s like having the teenage kids back. I’m constantly clearing up around him (or I’d have to live in chaos). He’s boring, needy & argumentative. He’s been facilitated & encouraged to have hobbies, and engage with others but I see that he’s been spoiled over the years with me working, running our home & family & his secretaries & assistants running around after him at work. He’s not taking any initiative and expects me to be everything for him. I’ve fallen out of intimacy & we live like siblings. At 64 yrs old I dream of having my own house.
Retired huh!
Ali08
Could your husband not find work in the volunteer section? Maybe in a charity/thrift shop? Taking people's dogs for walks while they're at work? Anything like that, so he isn't stuck indoors all day!
There are quite a few retired men at the supermarket, some man the checkouts most do the delivery to customers a couple of days a week. My wife works 3 days usually, loves it. I’m happy at home, gardening, DIY and hobbies, we have lots of days out and travel whenever we can, I’m planning a trip to India now.
Is the OP still looking for answers. I like to think she has sorted out her problems.
She posted this in September 2023
Keep working I’d say OP. Does he have a brother he talks to? Or another man a friend maybe?
Has he seen his GP recently? Could he be depressed, doing nothing all day?
I do get it. Would it be worth your while to rent some office space just so you could be left alone to work?
I think DH needs a girlfriend.
Just realised this is an old post. Wonder if things have stayed the same
Join the conversation
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join the discussion, watch threads and lots more.
Register now »Already registered? Log in with:
Gransnet »