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Sister Wives - could you?

(119 Posts)
Doodledog Fri 03-Nov-23 17:13:33

I've just discovered 'Sister Wives' on Discovery+, and am hooked grin.

It's about a polygamous family of Mormons in Utah, and I definitely had preconceptions before I watched it. I'm not sure what I expected, but the reality is that the women are 'normal', whatever that means. They share a building (a massive house), but each woman and her children live in her own separate part of it, with the husband the only one without his own space - he 'shares himself' between the wives. I'm only on series one (there are lots of them!) and so far there are four wives.

They are not jealous of one another, and when a new wife comes along they all have a say in who she is and can veto her. Wives have suggested other women as potential sister wives.

All the women (up to now in the series) have been brought up in the Mormon faith, and I think they were all in polygamous families. They don't seem overtly religious, in the sense of having family prayer meetings and the things that some 'fringe' American religious families do. Each woman brings up her own children, but the other wives are on hand to babysit and step in when necessary. The husband probably has the last word, but not obviously so - there are a lot of meetings where things are discussed and the wives all have a say in big collective decisions.

At least some of the women work - the programme hasn't yet gone into the financial side of things. I don't know if the family money is pooled, or whether they each keep what they earn - I don't know what the husband does for a living to afford the massive house and something like 19 children between the wives. They wear normal clothes, unlike the Latter Day Saints lot or the Amish, and you wouldn't spot them if they were next to you in Sainsbury's. Their lifestyle is illegal, so there is a threat of the husband being imprisoned and they have to deny the polygamy to the 'outside world'.

There is strictly no sex outside of marriage for the wives, yet they seem very accepting of their husband's relationship with the other wives (he doesn't stray outside of the family), which I suppose is the first thing that springs to mind as it is so different from what most of us are probably used to.

The women do seem like sisters, and on the face of it seem happy enough. They acknowledge that life is not always wonderful, but is it ever. They have one another on hand, and both share a lot yet have their own possessions and homes.

Could you do it? I don't know - it's very alien, and I'm pretty much certain that I would have hated it when I was younger. Now, the idea of effectively living in a commune, with people of different generations yet having my own space doesn't seem so bad. This lot are probably in their 30s - of childbearing age, anyway. They never seem to make these programmes about older families.

Hithere Fri 03-Nov-23 17:15:16

Get ready for a bumpy tode@

Hithere Fri 03-Nov-23 17:15:24

Ride sorry

Doodledog Fri 03-Nov-23 17:15:43

Sorry? grin

Doodledog Fri 03-Nov-23 17:16:22

Hithere

Ride sorry

Ah. Why? Has this been discussed before?

Hithere Fri 03-Nov-23 17:19:24

That family you are talking about - bumpy ride

AreWeThereYet Fri 03-Nov-23 17:28:40

I don't think I would want to do it but I really don't have a problem with it so long as it is their choice to live like that, and no one is being coerced in any way. I wonder if they are free to leave if they want to? Leaving aside the sex angle, it provides a lot of the support multi-generational families still provide in some countries - people you trust to help out when someone is sick, or to babysit when necessary.

I remember a while ago reading a book written by someone who had shared a polygamous lifestyle and she didn't seem to have been unhappy, although I can't really remember why she left at the end.

AreWeThereYet Fri 03-Nov-23 17:29:34

Hithere

That family you are talking about - bumpy ride

Why? Is there something about this family we don't know about??

Doodledog Fri 03-Nov-23 17:30:16

Ah, I see. I'm making hard work of this conversation, aren't I?

Oh. Well, I shall look forward to a bit of domestic disharmony grin. They are about to bring a new wife into the household. She's just choosing her wedding dress now, but I have to go and chop things in the kitchen, so will put them all on pause.

LucyAnna Fri 03-Nov-23 17:36:15

Hithere is right - I binge watched this series when I was unwell a couple of years ago. There ends up being quite a lot of disharmony grin! ( I assume you’re talking about the family with Kody as the “husband”?’

Sparklefizz Fri 03-Nov-23 17:54:54

I know I couldn't share. I had a husband who had a lot of affairs. The strain made me ill.

But ..... I suppose if you've been brought up with that way of life you might be more accepting.

I remember reading a book years ago called The Nineteenth Wife which was gripping. (It was fiction)

Shelflife Fri 03-Nov-23 18:01:39

I have seen it some time ago . Looks 'ok' on the face of things , but I have my doubts! Certainly wouldn't do for me.

Doodledog Fri 03-Nov-23 18:02:47

LucyAnna

Hithere is right - I binge watched this series when I was unwell a couple of years ago. There ends up being quite a lot of disharmony grin! ( I assume you’re talking about the family with Kody as the “husband”?’

Yes, that's the one. They are seemingly content at present, but time will tell. . .

I think a lot must have to do with upbringing, Sparklefizz. I wouldn't want to share a husband either, but we are brought up to believe monogamy is the ideal. I am wondering what happens to all the spare men. If every man has several wives that must mean that several men have no wives at all, and in a religion where sex outside of marriage is frowned upon, what happens to them?

Callistemon21 Fri 03-Nov-23 19:10:07

Yes, I've heard of this before.

We also went to an island in the Pacific where Number 1 wife moved into her own house with her children when Number 2 wife arrives on the scene, and so on. However subsequent wives have to wait on Number 1 wife 🙂

Polygamy is fully legal in 47 countries

Doodledog Fri 03-Nov-23 19:14:12

Ooh, well I might reconsider if I could be number one wife grin. There would still be spare men though, wouldn't there?

I don't think I would take kindly to another woman disciplining my children. They'd have to unless all the wives were always with all the children, but everyone has their own ways with things like that, and I don't think I'd like it.

Syracute Fri 03-Nov-23 19:31:39

Doodledog

LucyAnna

Hithere is right - I binge watched this series when I was unwell a couple of years ago. There ends up being quite a lot of disharmony grin! ( I assume you’re talking about the family with Kody as the “husband”?’

Yes, that's the one. They are seemingly content at present, but time will tell. . .

I think a lot must have to do with upbringing, Sparklefizz. I wouldn't want to share a husband either, but we are brought up to believe monogamy is the ideal. I am wondering what happens to all the spare men. If every man has several wives that must mean that several men have no wives at all, and in a religion where sex outside of marriage is frowned upon, what happens to them?

There are many communities of these Polygamous Mormons. The young men are often driven out. The wives often claim benefits. There is often neglect of the least favourite wives and children. It’s a terrible lifestyle for the wives and children involved. The men often marry minors. Warren Jeffries was finally tossed in jail for it. It’s only Nirvana for the men.

Callistemon21 Fri 03-Nov-23 20:08:16

Doodledog

Ooh, well I might reconsider if I could be number one wife grin. There would still be spare men though, wouldn't there?

I don't think I would take kindly to another woman disciplining my children. They'd have to unless all the wives were always with all the children, but everyone has their own ways with things like that, and I don't think I'd like it.

Yes, I thought it was an interesting position!

Having nannies for the children sounds like a good idea, though.

I wish I could remember which island it was.

Galaxy Fri 03-Nov-23 21:32:39

Er no its misogyny on speed.

Doodledog Fri 03-Nov-23 21:37:12

There are many communities of these Polygamous Mormons. The young men are often driven out. The wives often claim benefits. There is often neglect of the least favourite wives and children. It’s a terrible lifestyle for the wives and children involved. The men often marry minors. Warren Jeffries was finally tossed in jail for it. It’s only Nirvana for the men.
Yes, the more fundamentalist communities with elders in charge of others can be very abusive, but (so far) this all seems consensual and happy enough. I don't see that they are doing any harm, but obviously it's possible that only one side of their lifestyle is being shown. Everyone concerned seems to be happy with the arrangements, and there have only been a couple of minor niggles of the sort that would happen in most monogamous marriages.

I definitely reserve the right to change my mind as the series goes on (particularly in the light of comments from people who have seen the rest of the programmes), but so far it all seems harmless enough (if odd).

It seems that they pool resources and have some sort of communal budget, which might be difficult for the wives who work. The new one is looking for a job as she has moved a long way to marry the husband, and at least one of the other wives isn't thrilled about having another four mouths to feed with no financial contribution from the new wife (who is still a fiancé on the episode I'm up to).

Iam64 Fri 03-Nov-23 21:38:26

Syracute -your post mirrors my experience of involvement with Mormon families in the UK. Under age sexual exploitation, wives being pressured by elders to continue in a very abusive marriage etc

Doodledog Fri 03-Nov-23 21:39:50

Galaxy

Er no its misogyny on speed.

I admit that I thought that at first (and I have heard some awful things about some of the communities) but as I say, this doesn't feel abusive at all.

It could be a giant PR exercise of course, and it would be good to hear some voices of insiders who disapprove, but I am surprised at how seemingly liberal it is (apart from the sexual side, which does seem problematic to me).

M0nica Fri 03-Nov-23 21:44:40

Unless the Moromons, or any other group are equally happy and accepting of households where one woman has several husbands, all happy in there own quarters and prepared to stay celibate unless she favours them with her body, I will see this as another form of institutianal anti-feminism.

LucyAnna Fri 03-Nov-23 22:00:02

Doodledog

Galaxy

Er no its misogyny on speed.

I admit that I thought that at first (and I have heard some awful things about some of the communities) but as I say, this doesn't feel abusive at all.

It could be a giant PR exercise of course, and it would be good to hear some voices of insiders who disapprove, but I am surprised at how seemingly liberal it is (apart from the sexual side, which does seem problematic to me).

Be careful of further similar comments before watching more of the series - it does turn out to be pretty abusive in all sorts of ways.

Doodledog Fri 03-Nov-23 22:06:50

LucyAnna

Doodledog

Galaxy

Er no its misogyny on speed.

I admit that I thought that at first (and I have heard some awful things about some of the communities) but as I say, this doesn't feel abusive at all.

It could be a giant PR exercise of course, and it would be good to hear some voices of insiders who disapprove, but I am surprised at how seemingly liberal it is (apart from the sexual side, which does seem problematic to me).

Be careful of further similar comments before watching more of the series - it does turn out to be pretty abusive in all sorts of ways.

Ah. Well, I am commenting as I watch, and as I say, I am prepared to change my mind. I've seen similar 'documentaries' about other fringe religious groups and yes, they have been abusive, but so far this family seem happy enough.

I am fully aware that it is TV, so there is likely to be a storyline, and there are enough clues on this thread to suggest that it won't end happily ever after grin.

Abitbarmy Fri 03-Nov-23 22:16:23

I’m absolutely with Galaxy and Monica.