Lack of connection, lack of joy.

OnwardandUpward

Im never bored singly and neither is he. We just have nothing to talk about because we dont like the same things and dont find things we both enjoy together. We dont have mutual friends, never have.

I wish he did make me laugh. That would be novel. Sharing a sense of humour would be a blessing.

As far as "living in harmony" goes, I think we just coexist in a passionless way

I was using your words. In your OP you said that you are living in harmony now it’s we just co-exist in a passionless way

Well it's both really.

Tonight he went to town and sat on the sofa with me actually touching for about fifteen minutes= a rare occurence! I appreciated the affection. He rarely sits on the sofa with me, ever.

Sounds as if he’s trying then Onward

Perhaps he has low libido, but has really sexually fancied men, but kept it all under covers to try and lead a so called ‘Normal’ life
I think you have to have an honest talk with him as to what you both need/want Of course it’s possible to live together in harmony as friends and each lead a life outside the marriage

Don’t knock single life, it can be a lot better than an empty partnership but it’s also possible to be friends within a marriage as long as you are both in harmony and open and honest about it all

Do you both like food ? Maybe a nice evening out at a restaurant, just the two of you. Could make it a monthly/weekly thing trying out different places.

OnwardandUpward, you did get exactly what you wanted (back then) - a 'safe' but unexciting relationship. Now, of course, you find it boring.

If it's more of a housemate situation, you could either both agree to have separate lives - or divorce and move on. I really can't see the point of trying to improve things now.

It's unrealistic expecting him to change. Relationships run their course, then end, so don't be stuck in a dead one.

It IS a kind of house mate situation, but I'd miss him if he was'nt there. I don't hate him. Im used to him being there, coexisting with me.

I do actually have a bedroom of my own, which I was planning to use as separate lives but staying together- but in August he realised how I was getting the other bedroom sorted and I told him I was concerned that separate bedrooms are the beginning of the end, but that I just couldnt sleep with him anymore because he was kicking me and sleeping badly. He tried viagra (and had some success) so I let things go.

The other bedroom is still there. I fell out of bed and injured myself last time I used it because the layout is so different and I bashed my leg hard against a solid wood unit.

Last night we were taking about a relative who has an open relationship.

My parents had separate bedrooms and divorced eventually. I think he took the viagra because hes scared of divorce and the financial implications. He has only done it at max once a week (and not every week) Affection is still not there.

We go out for meals every week. We even dance together. Something is just not there.

OnwardandUpward

Well it's both really.

Tonight he went to town and sat on the sofa with me actually touching for about fifteen minutes= a rare occurence! I appreciated the affection. He rarely sits on the sofa with me, ever.

I think your earlier suggestion of asking him if he is gay is probably the most sensible, especially if you reassure him that you don't wish to separate if he is. This might bring relief and the emotional closeness you are hoping for. But of course if you then persue another relationship with someone else you might find you don't wish to remain with your husband...

I’m wondering if he’s on the autistic spectrum.

It takes two to tango

You might never find your ideal man. Can you resign yourself to a lonely life just in hope of prince charming finding you? It sounds like your DH is really trying. Make an effort to meet him half way. Separate bedrooms are not the end of a relationship. Both having a good night's sleep sets you up for a bright new day. Occupy your thoughts with other activities and events and you might find contentment.

Have you told your husband about the unwanted sexual advances you’re getting at work?

True I might never find the right man. Its not something I've looked for at all, seeing as I'm married. I want to continue living with him and being family. But, if he really IS gay, it would be validating for me to know. He's said all kinds of things to make me feel I'm not normal over the years, but everyone I talk to doesnt think its me. I'm still having counselling because of it! (Having counselling because of the person who doesnt want counselling, ha!)

(SIGH)

Yes, I told him about the unwanted sexual advances at work. That is precisely what prompted his disclosure about having an unwanted touch- he said he had been touched genitally as an 18/19 yr old by an older man. The two situations are poles apart as I was not touched genitally and did not have the kind of reaction HE then went on to describe. He said his body "reacted" in excitement. I was so taken aback that I did not go on to ask any questions and I was upset that I didn't get more comfort myself. To be honest though, I don't think the situations are similar.

The guy who touched me inappropriately is a volunteer and has some big problems. He apologised to me today and said he wasn't aware of doing it. I actually do believe him because I've noticed how uncoordinated he can be and have forgiven him.

Oddly enough I've been going along 20 years feeling something was wrong. I'd often wondered if my husband had abuse in his background due to his behaviour around intimacy. I never expected him to say that- and he hasn't mentioned it again since. He did say he thought he was gay for a while... but didnt explain.

You don’t exactly have conversations, do you? Did you just marry him because he was nice to you?

I now think you’re very well suited. He doesn’t want to talk and you don’t push for answers.

Communication is key. Guess-ology is just daft.

Well said MS. 😊

That’s the alternative to communicating I suppose. ‘Say nowt and carry on’. Good enough.
Until it isn’t.

The OP is having counselling. Fine. Probably best to leave her to that.

Thanks for the unflattering comments about our relationship. I did say something was missing!

It's a good thing I get to come online and talk about my feelings and that I am seeing a counsellor. The reason I do not ask him is simply that experience has taught me I will get nowhere. I tell him everything and I always have. He tells me nothing and he always has.

Yes he was nice to me in the beginning (aren't they all?!) , but I don't want to elaborate further seeing as some people seem to be quite judgemental.

I relate to the OP, much sympathy, after the children left home and 35 yrs of marriage we did nothing together and hardly spoke, no joy. Within 6 months I found a man that likes most things that I do, life is now full of joy, there is such a difference.

I hope I haven’t come across as judgemental O&U. It certainly wasn’t my intention. I sincerely apologise if I’ve upset you.

You are clearly unhappy. 20 years is a lot to be ‘missing something’. Maybe you ‘settled for safe’ at the beginning and it just isn’t enough now. The gay dalliance would have set off my internal Klaxon. However I recognise we are all different in that what one couple can accommodate, another just can’t.

Thanks Katie, I am happy enough living together. Well I think I am and then I realise how low in confidence I am due to the way things are mentally and emotionally.

I'm happy for you that you did what was right for you. I am still talking to a counsellor so I don't know what is right for me. I do know that when I am with some friends that my heart lifts and I feel joyful , though.

I would guess that his telling you of the unwanted touching when a young man was very brave of him, and he may have felt able to talk about it further. You couldn't help your reaction of being taken aback, but that (and seeing that you were upset about it) may well have stopped him talking more about it. If I were you I would ask about his feelings about it in a listening mode rather than hoping to get comfort yourself.

I was in a relationship a while ago with a man who told me about being touched by a man when he was still at school. He didn't tell anyone at the time and felt INCREDIBLY ashamed of it even though of course it was not his fault at all! It had haunted him for years, and he hadn't spoken of it until he did with me, 50 years later!

I don't think it was anything unusual that your husband reacted in that way to the touch, but it DOES sound as if he feels guilty? ashamed? of himself for reacting in that way. Just that doesn't mean that he is gay; more that he is disgusted with himself for a totally natural reaction.

Could you sit with him and listen? Reflective listening is a very useful skill to develop! www.suffolkmind.org.uk/advice-information/reflective-listening/

It sounds to me as if he has opened a huge door towards communication with you, which may lead to more closeness. I do wish you happiness whatever you decide to do.

@Choughdancer thanks for sharing your experience.

Yes I think he did feel ashamed and definitely confused. Im amazed he even told me as I knew there must be something. One of his best friends told me he was gay when we first got together, but he denied it and we had been intimate by then so I chose to believe him.

I am a good listener, I know about reflective listening , do it all the time. He just doesn't usually say enough for me to reflect on. When I think it's a good time, I will reflect back to him what he has already told me and see if he will speak.

As I've said already, not sure if it was here or my other post- I tell him everything but he rarely opens up at all beyond how his day at work was- so I do need to get him to expand on this- but the timing has to be right.

Thankyou so much

Primrose53

I’m wondering if he’s on the autistic spectrum.

I thought this too.

Well we will never know for sure unless he has a test for Autism and it's unlikely that he would entertain the thought.

Many people are "on the spectrum" and I don't know how it really manifests in a relationship, for sure. I am surely on the spectrum myself and we have agreed before now that we both probably are.

Even if he is, he might not respond like another person on the Spectrum as there are so many differences.