Lack of connection, lack of joy.

OnwardandUpward, Maybe you,'re fortunate.My DH was"bored and?depressed earlier this year.To relieve this he decided to try to reconnect with his first girlfriend!This was successful.They shared a few emails.No meeting she refused.There were a couple of messages which were especially hurtful to me.A attempted secret meeting(didn't happen) and HE describing their first(for both)sexual experience! Described in a very sweet,tender way! I,m still trying to recover and forgive.Not easy!I wish you the best in "finding" common ground with your DH.

@Nana75 I'm sorry to hear that. I know its painful because something similar happened to me, except they did meet. Im glad for you that they didn't, except he might still wish they did? Him describing the first sexual experience with her must have been a hard thing for you to read. I hope you're able to recover and forgive. Not easy I know.

About 11 years ago I became seriously depressed because he denied me a baby and my biological clock was ticking. Before we married he had been agreeable about having a baby, but he'd changed. All his family and friends were in on it telling me what a bad idea it was. I was devastated. So, a deep depression and he was more than useless, no compassion or care at all - in fact he stayed away from me more than ever and refused to contact the GP.

He ended up moving out and I became so depressed that I lined up pills to end my life. I thought no one would ever love me and I really felt hopeless. At my lowest point, my husband did not show any care and my Mother was bullying me and getting other relatives to bully me accusing me of making it all up. I would have ended it all, except I realised it would be my kids that would find the body- and I couldn't do that to them.

After that I fought for myself. I limited contact with "DM" and other toxic sources. I did what I wanted to, enjoyed hobbies. Just stopped listening to the nastiness and accepted I wasn't going to get any emotional support or a baby. After several months of being single but staying friends with my husband, I took him back.

I think possibly before, he might have compared me with his ex girlfriend in many ways, from things he'd said that made me feel rubbish. By then, he had visited his ex girlfriend and all fantasies he might have had of their relationship had been extinguished. He claimed to me that she had put an advertisement in the local paper wanting to find him... but I have never been able to find evidence of that. Anyway, I felt satisfied that he had explored that and had decided I was the better option, after all.

It's rubbish isn't it. So here we are.

To OnwardandUpword,I can only imagine how you must have felt during that horrible,horrible time. I,m so glad you got through it but it must have left some scars.Yes I do wonder if DH wishes he and his ex had met.He explained he wanted to meet her once(I was invited at first)(not to the "secret meeting obviously!)to say goodbye in a nicer way!He had dumped her as a teenager! Yes he was going to give her a kiss" on the cheek"and a hug!WOW I would have LOVED being a spectator to that! I,m sending you lots of hugs.Stay strong😊

Thanks Nana75

The problem is as we know, one thing leads to another. I'm glad for you that he did not get his chance. I don't think looking backwards helps anyone.

I don't think my husband is gay, but bi. Otherwise he wouldn't have had curiosities about his ex.

I do know for sure that he is not "interested" in me and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it. I try to keep in shape, eat healthy, make an effort to look nice all the time. None of it is "enough". He doesn't even pretend he finds me exciting.

Tomorrow after work I'm getting my hair done, for myself. I can't fix him, I can only do my best to feel ok about myself.

@Nana75 I'm so glad you didn't have to go through that. Goodness knows what your husband was thinking! He could have apologised by email for dumping her.
I'm sure life has gone on to bring good things to her, such as marriage and children so I would have thought that she would be ok with whatever happened in the past. Also, it's very long in the past and she may not even remember what happened!

It seems very insensitive of him to say all of those things to you. I'm glad she didn't let him do it and hope he has got it out of his system now.

OnwardandUpward. I can't say whether he still thinks of her or whether he would still like to pursue a meeting.This is mainly because I,m not "allowed" to talk about it! I still have questions to ask regarding the various emails he sent her.Such as "why did he find it necessary to give her SO much praise".This involved various events in the past and some from recent "findings" !Sorry to be vague but I don't want to divulge too much just in case.........!Suffice to say I found the "lovely things that he "said"quite hurtful.Now if I dare to bring the email scenario up he gets really angry and brings up the subject of divorce.I'm pretty sure he doesn't mean it but the words are there all the same..I hope life is a bit brighter for you.It's comforting to hear how others are coping with their struggles.All we can really do is look forward to a brighter future!Watch this space!😊

Nana75 if you still have questions you can ask them. How dare he tell you what you are and are not allowed to discuss when he has been the one to hurt your feelings like this!

It's horrible that he felt it necessary to give her so much praise and I'm not surprised you found them hurtful. I would have too and was very hurt by my husband wanting to be in touch with his ex too. When we were having marriage problems I think he idealised her.

I think your husband is very unfair to waft the thought of divorce about when you mention what he did. I imagine if you were to consult a solicitor he would be laughing on the other side of his face.

I totally understand you not wanting to share more for privacy reasons. If you want to pm me that would be lovely, and yes I really hope things get a lot brighter for you. I don't feel at all optimistic for myself, I admit.

Just wondering if anyone knows what,s happening with OnwardandUpward? Haven't seen any of her posts lately.

What I cannot understand is what ever brought you two together in the first place. I can see the rationale of the 'safe' marriage, after a bad experirnce, but there must have been something that meant you initially noticed each other, talked, dated, one of you proposed marriage and the other accepted.

Nana75

Just wondering if anyone knows what,s happening with OnwardandUpward? Haven't seen any of her posts lately.

I am beginning to realise that people post in different ways.

Some seem to post once about something and I dont notice them again.
Some post from time to time like this poster.
Then there are are regulars of course.
Those that seem to post frequently then disappear[change names perhaps].
And all those in between.

And then there are the lurkers. For every post replied to, there are statistically supposed to be another 9 people lurking who dont reply. Something like that.

It is those who bother me! And I being read regularly be someone I know in real life? And I will never know?!

fancy that,yes "someone you know reading your posts" did occur to me too.I suppose we,'ll never know!

Hi there and Im back. Sorry for the delay. Life gets in the way sometimes.
I will be judged if I say what brought us together.

I will say though that I had a deep conversation with him over the weekend and he says he cannot meet my needs. He is not interested in conversation just says I should go out more with friends and colleagues.

You know what this means, he isn't interested in affection, conversation or anything that would nurture a relationship. He literally wants me out of the house so he can game and not have to make the effort of having a relationship.

Yes I've often wondered if someone you know readds your posts. Probably! Thats why I don't post things that would be "outing".

I found a book online called the Six Pillars of Intimacy. It sounds good. He isn't interested in intimacy but apparently there are six sorts. I didn't buy the book because it would be a waste pf money if hes not open to grow and change together.

I will say though that I had a deep conversation with him over the weekend and he says he cannot meet my needs. He is not interested in conversation just says I should go out more with friends and colleagues
Well he’s given up …..hes acknowledged he’s can’t be what you need him to be and given you permission to lead your own life
He isn’t necessarily not interested in conversation but can’t converse in your manner some people are very articulate in showing or talking about their feelings some just cannot and keep it all inside it doesn’t mean they don’t feel these things they just can’t release them
You have two choices accept him as he is and jog along living your own lives or leave and start again I guess your age would make a difference to your decision if you are young enough to still want a sexual relationship or old enough to find contentment in your hobbies and friends and a house mate to share finances with

I think the main problem is you see him as the baddie but really you’re just incompatible which is no one’s fault he’s probably as uncomfortable with it all as you

I hope you both find peace

He still wants me to sleep in the same bed (for company and warmth) but I suppose that's ultimately my choice as I have my own room.

No I don't see him as the baddie. I've had a lot of counseling and fully understand why we got together. I will explain when I have more time. Just going to work!

Having read your post,Onward,I think I can empathise.I sometimes wonder how and why DH and I got together,never mind stayed together for decades.We see and react to almost everything differently.For instance if I had gone"searching for a lost love "I'm pretty sure he would have got over the shock and hurt much sooner than I,m doing.He tend,s to deal with issues if and when they arise.I'm much more likely to think" what if this happens or oh dear I can,t cope if that happens. "We're all different I suppose and as they say,opposites attract!

Thanks Nana75. I don't know if he would though, it's got to be a blow whatever gender you are! I think men are just better at hiding things or less in touch with their feelings, but I'm sure he would have been hurt too.

I suppose what hurt me a lot was last weekend when I tried so hard to address some of our problems and my husband just said he wasn't going to change and that I should spend more time with other people. The only thing any of us do have as a guarantee is change and it's necessary to be able to change in order to grow- also couples need to grow together or they will grow apart.

Well, the post was never intended as a dig at him, just as an honest summary of what IS. I fully accept that I married him when I was emotionally unavailable and that he is also emotionally unavailable. The only way forwards is if we are able to find a way to grow the intimacy that is lacking now that I'm more aware of the lack of it. There is a book called the Six Pillars of Intimacy, which I mentioned to him and he said he was willing to try reading it together. So maybe there is hope.

If that doesn't work though, I don't know. He is literally happy to spend his life gaming in an online space and obviously gets some sort of hit from that. He has recommended that I socialise more and I could do, but I am often just too tired after working hard all day. I am going to try and find some groups to join and make an effort to see friends more- but none of it will make up for what is lacking.

"Onward"Yes I agree,seeing friends is fine in itself.I always have liked to meet up with different people and look forward to it.However,as you said it doesn't substitute for doing different things together as a couple.I suppose I,m reasonably lucky in that DH does enjoy going out for meals,visiting different places etc.So I shouldn't complain too much.But,and I feel a bit silly even admitting this(so don't laugh please) I sometimes find myself thinking if things had worked differently during his" quest "I could be doing all these things by myself! Be thankful for small mercies I suppose.Has your DH started his" reading "yet?I hope it proves useful and it helps your situation.

You're right Nana75 and its nice to have the company. Im glad for you.

I ordered the book and its a workbook, so we'll work through it together.

OnwardandUpward, good luck with going forward. I hope you have a positive outcome from your shared reading. As for myself; I have told DH I am working on forgiveness.I said it would take time and I probably will never forget.I also suggested that sometime in the not too distant future we could do "an analysis" of the whole thing,focusing on how each of us felt during and after the exchange of emails.He said he,'ll think about it.I,ll post his response when it happens.

Boredom, lack of joy and connection could be self made. It's a big world with plenty of interest and interesting people.
Lines of communicating and conversing with people is the way forward.

OnwardandUpward:

Remember to keep yourself in good spirit. You're doing the right things by eating well and taking care of your appearance. Think positive always. Get out more and see different surrounding. It could be the Museum, Art Gallery or take yourself for a coffee.

Feeling good about oneself is important.

BlueBelle - what a sensible and insightful message yours of the 23rd Nov was. So much of it rang true for me!

BlueBelle,I think you hit the nail on the head with your 23/11post.In my case sometimes the only thing that,s said is "whose turn is it to empty and load the dishwasher" or "what are we having for dinner?" I think some husbands/partners are lacking in communication skills,either that or they are just lazy and can,t be bothered or see the point of having a meaningful chat.Not that we wives/partners want continual conversation but SOME would be good!I think it's a true saying "can't live with them,can't live without them!" Although some GN,S would disprove that last statement.On a more serious note OnwardandUpward I hope your efforts re the workbook prove fruitful.Good luck and keep us posted!😊

I should have added,my DH "appreciated" my "trying to forgive" .We are going to have a discussion a about everything in January! Sorry if some of you are in the dark.I posted my "saga"a few weeks ago.

Thanks for all you've all contributed. I just want to say again, I don't see him as the baddie. I appreciate certain things about him.

I also accept that certain things will not change and that he has given me permission to seek out other company, although who knows what he means by that. Yes he probably is just as uncomfortable but I doubt much will change in our relationship. I will just develop more friendships and try to keep busy and amused.