I don’t want to see my son anymore

There are wives, and husbands , who deliberately set out to separate their spouse from their immediate family; I know two, possibly three, cases
Therefore all the more reason not to antagonise your son; give him no cause for complaint because you won't win over his wife if you provoke conflict.
Saying you won't see him because he is away for four days at Christmas is childish.

Your son probably knows that you dislike his wife, therefor I cannot see why they would visit you, his wife is more important to him than his mother, which is as it should be.

It is far better that people spend time with you out of love and not out of perceived duty. You cannot make someone want to be with you.

If he has a wife and a child then they are his immediate family now and are his main priority now.

This means you have now become extended family which is a hard pill to swallow but his extended family are not his main priority anymore, nor should they be.

I don't think this is about him being in the wrong but more about you having unrealistic expectations with regards to what he 'should' be doing or attending. He's a grown adult and has every right to make his own decisions - you shouldn't be trying to exert any level of control over him.

Extend an invite, if he declines (he's completely in his right to do this) then move on and enjoy your day without trying to tell him he's in the wrong or trying to guilt trip him. No adult is 'entitled' to another adult's time.

Ultimately by cutting him off, you're cutting off access to your grandchild as well (and cutting your nose off to spite your face)

Your son has grown into an independent man with his own family - that's something you should be proud of.

Rethink your expectations and focus on creating a lovely Christmas.

Your son is grown, married, and has a child -- whilst you still wish to dictate his social life, day by day? Did I read that correctly?

I'm sorry he pulled out of his sister's birthday, however there may be valid reasons that you've not been told. I sincerely hope you didn't complain, that way is trouble, nobody wants their decisions questioned.

Christmas: many people go away over Christmas. Posters tell of of their family trips, or those coming to stay at theirs - some other family is typically 'left behind' for a few days.

I readily admit that our daughters live within a quarter mile, we see them almost daily, however I don't believe that is at all common - people do move house after university and marriage. People have lives.

Don't cut off your nose---

It is sad that you feel this way Notjustaprettyface and that you don't find your Daughter in Law warm and inviting. Try a little tenderness to her and your Son and be warm and inviting to them. Yes I can understand that you feel hurt but you will feel even more hurt if you cut them and your grandchild out of your life. Is that what you really want in the long term a future without them. Please think carefully about your proposals and what it will mean for you all as a family. I do hope that you are able to resolve things and to move forward amicably.

*They are going to be away from the 23 to the 27 and I think this is unfair especially with my husband / his dad being in a nursing home this year
I feel I can’t reason with my son anymore, if I express an opinion he says I am rude to him
He is very authoritative and won’t accept that he might be wrong ever*

But he's not wrong in this case, you are. When you say 'reason with him' do you mean getting him to change his mind to do what you want?
If you don't like your DIL and blame her for all this why would they want to spend Christmas with you? The atmosphere must be horrible.

Don't cut your nose off..

I would definitely not close the door on him. Just get on with living your own lives. I will be honest, I love our family but I would not want them on my doorstep all the time.

My late husband and I looked after my mum for 35 years when dad died young and it took over our lives as we were always at her beck and call. After my husband died I decided that I did not want our family having to always be taking me out or having to visit me like we did with my mother as it got to the stage I resented her for not even trying to get on with her life. When they visit me it is because they want to and not because they have to. If I don't see them for a few weeks, no problem, I know where they are if I did ever need them and to be honest, even though I am 81 years old, I like doing what I want when I want. I do not want anyone coming to visit or ringing me out of duty.

Just get on with your lives and stop bothering about your son and his wife.

Op

You are in a very complex situation - past and current issues with your adult children, difficult relationship with your husband accepting the grandchildren, now his health and nursing home

You need professional help. This new post is a drop in the bucket

I doubt OP will return. We are all giving her the kind of advice she doesn't want to hear.

I think she was expecting us to sympathise and take her side

Well I can see OP hasn’t returned to comment on our suggestions, she clearly didn’t want our help/advice/support.

So many people only want the kind of advice which tells them they’re right,

Germanshepherdsmum

So many people only want the kind of advice which tells them they’re right,

Indeed. No self reflection.

You can't call his wife a "bad influence", you make him sound like a little boy that doesn't know his own mind and has picked up with a bad crowd. No wonder there's friction.

I think you are cutting off your nose to spite your face tbh, why must you take precedence over his wife and family, and I think this is the thing that makes you blame her for everything but I am sorry you are in the wrong, you should make them welcome whenever they visit , Christmas is not just one day. You can celebrate any day but if you keep trying to be Queen Bee, I am sorry you will end up being a sad and bitter old lady who ends up alone.

I can assure you, the way to a married son’s heart is through his wife. Be nice to her and you’re on to a winner. That’s life.

Thank you all for your comments
I didn’t expect so many but it’s great that you have taken the time to comment
I wasn’t looking for a blessing from you
I was genuinely wondering if anybody else was in the same situation and I know some people are but perhaps not on gransnet
This is not something I have wished for and I agree with most of the things you say but I am not in a good place at the moment and I could do without my son being unkind
I wanted to keep my initial post short so I didn’t mention that it’s not just about Christmas, my son has been criticising me on several accounts , he thinks he can be rude to me but apparently this doesn’t work both ways
My Dil constant prioritises her family , it’s a classic isn’t it
It proves that old saying : a son is a son until …
She is cold and aloof
You don’t have to believe me of course but I am not a liar
It’s all very sad and I thank you for your advice which I am sure is very sound but right now I am going to keep my distance from my ungrateful son

You say your son is rude and you don't like his wife so why do you want to spend Christmas with them? It is coming across that you just want to control him.

Relationships with adult children are often difficult. Especially when they have partners and children. All you can do is extend an invitation and hope they accept. Keep doing this in spite of repeated set backs and you will sometimes get everyone together as you wish. Having all the family together at Christmas is great but you can’t expect it every year.

I think it is really sad that you have fallen out over how they want to spend Christmas

Shouldn't we want for our children to be happy for Christmas? Is that not a gift to us knowing they are happy? That we did it, and brought them to full maturity and adulthood living life on their own terms?

I know the day is coming when some of my children don't spend the holidays with me but I don't need Christmas as a measure of how close and supportive we are.

Please don't burn those bridges and don't blame the DIL as that will surely make things worse

I think you should pull back because you are being over sensitive. Your son doesn’t have to see you Christmas or have to agree with your requests. If he did pull out of a birthday celebration at the last minute without explanation, that's rude but you don’t know the circumstances. You should be mindful that he could have worries of his own. His responsibilities first and foremost is his wife and child. and why do you assume it’s all his wife’s fault, he has a mind of his own. Do not estrange your son because believe me as one who is estranged, it’s awful, you should want your son happy and if you only see him once or twice a year it’s his decision, but that’s better than never seeing him. No one wants to see anyone that’s on their case all the time.

I don't think that anyone is accusing you of lying @notjustaprettyface just simply being unreasonable and having unfair expectations. You immediately jumped to blaming DIL when perhaps your son prefers spending time with her family also. You getting into conflict with him and placing blame on the woman he loves most in the world before anyone else will not create harmony, it will only create divide. You are going to end up losing access to your grandchild and, not because anyone is using your grandchild as a weapon (when I hear that, it always makes me roll my eyes) but because they will see your behaviour as emotionally immature, emotionally manipulative and toxic and they won't want that influence around their child.

Your best course of action would be to reach out and apologise, tell them that you're just upset because you miss them which has made you lash out. Reach out to DIL, take accountability for your behaviour and tell her that you would like to try to build a closer relationship with her at HER pace. You're never going to have a close relationship with your grandchild if you can't treat DIL with love and respect.

As for DIL spending more time with her family, yes that's normal - things don't have to be equal. These are people's lives we are talking about, this isn't a football match where you should be keeping score. Just be grateful for what you do get and appreciate that time.

notjusta you sound like 2 peas, hold fire, sleep on it else you'll be sorry, there’s things in life so much better than falling out with family.
You’re son will always be your son, best not to make his decisions to suit yours, bite your tongue dear mother just remember with love that wee baby that popped out of you all those years ago.

Thank you for coming back and saying a bit more.

I think Mamasperspective's comments are worth reading twice.

Thinking of you.

Thank you again everyone
I will reread all messages but I think what threw me over the edge was the fact he refused to come to his sisters birthday celebrations after having accepted the invitation initially
I would never do that , I think it’s extremely rude and however we might disagree him and me , he shouldn’t have done that
He hasn’t apologised so it’s difficult to see the way forward

Please try to forget the non-appearance at the birthday celebrations and lack of apology. In the grand scheme of things it’s very trivial. There are far worse things in life. Let it go. You are stopping yourself from moving forward.