I don’t want to see my son anymore

I do understand how lonely and vulnerable one can feel when a spouse goes into a nursing home and life is turned upside down. This is all the more reason to try to keep on good terms with the rest of the family. No demanding apologies!
I am sorry things feel so bad for you just now.

Demanding an apology doesn't get a genuine one

I think maybe you need to apologise really and start the ball rolling on sorting this out

But for the birthday, it isn't you he owes an apology too, it is his sister

Unfortunatley I can relate to this--I know we should perhaps not feel this way about our own sons..I guess its about having that conversation with him..just be honest and speak fom your heart..thats all you can do

I understand you're upset but it really isn't your business any longer whether or not he attends his sister's birthday party that's between them. The days when you could manage the relationship between your children are long gone, don't get involved. He may have acted rudely but it's no longer your place to comment on it. If he's rude to you, pull him up on it, call it out like you would with any other adult. You don't have to accept being treated badly by anyone, least of all your son. You need to transition to an adult relationship with each other. You will always be his mother and he will always be your adult son, not a child.

Hello again Notjustaprettyface Here is an example of what happens when you stop talking to people and cut them out of your life. A relative constantly did this to family/friends over the years without giving any reasons. After a little while she would make contact again as though nothing had happened. People got fed up with this and did not allow her back into their lives. We cannot just pick people up and put them down when we feel like it. She ended up a very lonely person. Think carefully and hard about your future and what disowning your family will feel like in years to come. If that feels right for you then go ahead it is your life and your decision as to whether to embrace your Son or let him go. Just do what feels right for you and what your heart tells you.

I wonder if OP wants her son to visit on Christmas Day in the nursing home? Going in to visit her DH on her own must be poignant especially if it’s his first Christmas there or possibly his last. I haven’t noticed any background to this situation. Keep doors open .

Notjustaprettyface

Thank you again everyone
I will reread all messages but I think what threw me over the edge was the fact he refused to come to his sisters birthday celebrations after having accepted the invitation initially
I would never do that , I think it’s extremely rude and however we might disagree him and me , he shouldn’t have done that
He hasn’t apologised so it’s difficult to see the way forward

It his for his sister to address that with him, not you

I think it would be reasonable if it was the OP's invitation at her home Madgran although we don't know if that's the case.

Smileless2012

I think it would be reasonable if it was the OP's invitation at her home Madgran although we don't know if that's the case.

True Smileless I assumed the OPs daughter had invited all to her house.

It is rude either way.

First of all, please accept my sympathy that your DH is in a nursing home. I know how sad that must feel.

DH and I had this situation at the beginning of DS's relationship with DiL. It was very sad and upsetting. I won't list the ways in which she seemed at the time to be trying not to let DS have anything to do with his family. I think she was feeling insecure and behaved in a possessive way with DS.

What healed the situation was that we got on so well with her parents. Is there any way you can contact your DiL's parents and find a friendly relationship with them?

Good luck. I hope you can all heal this siutation.

Stansgran

I wonder if OP wants her son to visit on Christmas Day in the nursing home? Going in to visit her DH on her own must be poignant especially if it’s his first Christmas there or possibly his last. I haven’t noticed any background to this situation. Keep doors open .

Some people simply can’t deal with illness, even in their nearest and dearest.

You’ve posted that you have a difficult relationship with your daughter. Now it’s your son. You have complained that your husband doesn’t like you grandson at your home. You’ve posted about your arguments with the care home.
Time to look in the mirror I think.

Thanks Merylstreep
I love you too ! 😊

Thanks Romola for your kind message
I do get on with dil s parents especially her mum who is lovely and very welcoming
In fact I don’t understand why her daughter is so different
But anyway they live 150 miles away so it’s quite tricky isn’t it

Hi Stansgran
Yes I would have liked some backup on Christmas Day and I would have liked my son to visit his dad on that day
I think I am going to find it hard

You can’t change anyone else though
If your son and wife are going to be away for Christmas he cant visit his dad can he ? And that’s for him to sort out in his own head and feel comfortable with. A disappointment for you obviously but a decision only he can make not one he can be forced into
It’s a darned shame if you cut any of your kids out of your life just because they aren’t doing things the way you would want
Most kids can disappoint us and I m sure we disappoint them on occasions
Put it behind you

It seems a little drastic to cut off contact with your son just because he and his family will be away for Christmas. I think you need to be a little more flexible and fluid - peoples' plans do change and although you are disappointed that they will be away over Christmas - plan ahead and ask if they will join you at the Nursing Home for a mini celebration or an alternative Christmas day when they are back.
I think the old adage of 'A son's a son till he takes a wife etc etc' seems to fit your situation - you don't seem to realise that there are other people that are pivotal in your sons' life now and you must take a step back and allow him to decide his priorities but be openly warm and welcoming when you do see him.

So much fuss and trouble over who and how Christmas is to be spent. You read the problems on Gransnet and Mumsnet. Why this is so is often difficult to understand. You would think that Christmas Day was the only day in the year you can get together as a family. It is understandable that a young family would enjoy a holiday while they have the opportunity. I would suggest you spend the day with your dh at the Home for at least part of the time. Other than that that plan the day in the best way you can and try to enjoy yourself.

Lovetopaint037 I think the easier means of communication and travel have become, the more difficult some people find it is to let go the apronstrings and treat their children as adults.

When I think back to past generations, my parents generation separated for years by wartime service, families when adult children and their families might live hundreds of miles away and only be able to afford one journey home a year.

My father was in the army and at times, when stationed abroad our grandparents didn't see us for 2 or 3 years at a time and all communication was by letter - at least we had airmail - generations before us, it was seamail and letters could take months to reach the recipient.

And now we have all these grandmothers having the vapours because they will not see an adult child on Christmas day.

Lovetopaint037

So much fuss and trouble over who and how Christmas is to be spent. You read the problems on Gransnet and Mumsnet. Why this is so is often difficult to understand. You would think that Christmas Day was the only day in the year you can get together as a family. It is understandable that a young family would enjoy a holiday while they have the opportunity. I would suggest you spend the day with your dh at the Home for at least part of the time. Other than that that plan the day in the best way you can and try to enjoy yourself.

Hear, hear - the emotional baggage of Christmas!
Another one to add to my list of “Are we overthinking Christmas”
Is it worth falling out for the other 364 days of the year?

You say your son is rude and authoritative OP , but you are behaving the same.
Referring to his wife and the mother of his child as that person - …. Is not kind.
If you treat her like this it’s no surprise they don’t want to spend their Christmas with you.
Respect runs two ways
Be careful what you say . Threatening not to see him because he’s spending the holiday could backfire badly.

Oh dear! Maybe you are better on your own.

I think some posts are pretty harsh. This happened to me, some people be very clever at manipulating theirpartner.
I'm sorry for you OP, but as Redhead said, don't voice your feelings, get on with your own life. Sometimes things just aren't as we would like them.
But don't cut yourself off. I hope you cope alright with Christmas day. x

You are placing far too much importance upon Xmas which is the festive season , no more.
I am sorry about you son's romantic obsession but you need to bear with it until he learns more common sense.

If one or more of if my AC wanted to go away for Christmas I would be perfectly ok about that , why shouldn't they ? The one thing you should not do is cut yourself off from your son . I have read enough stories on GN to know that is not a wise decision - you would loose the battle!
Your son and his wife have their own priorities and hard as it is to accept you are not top of their list. My AC have their lives to lead , I know they love me and their father and we accept they are now a unit and sometimes we have to take a back seat! They are getting on with their lives and we are proud they are doing that, they too will become like us in time and I hope they are able to sit back and watch their AC spread their wings and feel they have done a decent job of bringing up their children. Just be proud of a job well done and watch them flourish.